The Photo in My Obituary (and other thoughts)...

This is one of my long, semi-repetitive, personal thoughts/feelings sharing pieces, so don't bother reading it, if you're not into that sort of thing.

 
This is not directed at any particular person (nor any particular death) and is just my personal thoughts/feelings - but I personally don't get it and find it rather disconcerting and unclear about WHY when someone dies, a lot of people seem drawn to sharing a WAY younger photo of that person (whether online or even in the person's obituary).

I'm sure there are various different reasons derived from various different circumstances, but it still seems odd to me how prevalent it seems to be.

I'm 50 now. Let's say I die soon (which hopefully I don't). I wouldn't want one photo of me when I was 20 or 30 being the ONE photo chosen for my obituary or the MAIN photo(s) that friends or family members share online or otherwise, because...to me, that seems to indicate that the younger me was the better me...or the more appealing me or the more meaningful me or the more memorable or the more important...or the more attractive me.

As for the attractive part, it does seem true that some people start paying less attention to you (or looking at you differently or not looking at you much at all) as you get older. You might also look at yourself differently too. We all age (and we all age differently) and aging definitely has its down sides, but it also means we're still alive and living our lives. Overall, I think our brains should be more meaningful and important than our bodies. And so when I die, I don't want some photo of me from 20 or 30 years ago seeming to imply that was the best part of my life because I looked better or more powerful. Because what does that have to do with my brain? Anyone who REALLY knew me or cared deeply about me would share some of my poems when I died, because my poems are definitely a big part of my brain.

Although the older I get, the less meaningful and important my poems seem to others, but maybe I'm making that up. But I don't think so. Or maybe I'm more negative than I used to be (even though I've been pretty negative for years), because I used to think/hope/wish that at least my poetry would still be alive after I died, but I mean...my poetry doesn't even get much attention when I'm alive (I mean, it gets accepted for publication quite a bit, but I don't get the impression that many people read it), so...who knows?

Mind you, I'm not against past memories or past photos (we all have them), as long as the past doesn't outweigh the present. (Even with me and poetry, I most certainly appreciate my poetry and publications from the past, but I'm more drawn to the present).

It's not like I never share old memories from myself or others - or past photos of artists/singers/actors/performers or older poetry/art and so on. But I don't think I've ever shared a considerably older photo of someone shortly after that person dies? I could be wrong.

Maybe it's at least partly a personal memory thing. Like if someone knew that person when they were in their twenties (and wasn't as strongly drawn to them and/or didn't stay in as much contact with them in more recent years), then maybe that's how they'd personally remember that person looks-wise and/or personality-wise and/or art/poetry/performance-wise and/or otherwise after that person died. So along those lines, if someone I knew in my twenties found out I had died and shared a photo of me in my twenties (or a past poem of mine), then okay. But if someone I've known in the last 15 years or so (and/or we still know each other pretty well) shared one photo of me in my twenties after I died, I'd feel like WTF, did my younger self seem more important and meaningful to you than the last 20-30 years of my life? Did I accomplish nothing meaningful enough to seem more important than an old photo of the younger me?

I'm sure some other people see this differently, but the way I see it is that when people share considerably younger photos of someone after that person dies, but don't share more recent photos, that seems to be implying that the last 10 or 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 years of that person's life weren't as important or meaningful or memorable as when they were younger. (This doesn't apply if people share numerous photos, from the past AND closer to the present).

Also, when it comes to celebrity deaths, if you didn't know the person very well personally, but enjoyed and admired parts of their art (whether acting, singing, visual art, poetry, or otherwise) and after they die, you share a photo of them from 20 years ago or more, does that mean you liked their creative work when they were younger but not so much in recent years? I don't know what it means for others. But from a present poetry perspective, if someone shares some of my poetry when I die, I hope they don't share poetry I wrote 20 years ago or more (for a similar reason to the photos).

For me, I think when it comes to poets, artists, actors, musicians, and any human beings, most of us want to be loved and appreciated IN THE PRESENT more so than based on who we were in the past.

If when I die, someone puts up one photo of me from 20-30 years ago with one poem I wrote 20-30 years ago, that wouldn't be ME RIGHT NOW. Maybe it would be that person's memory or interpretation of me and there implication that that's when I was most meaningful to THEM. And again, I'm not discounting past memories (because I certainly have mine). But if I'm still alive in the present, then I'd like to be a meaningful part of a few other people's presents and I don't want my death to suddenly back track to the past MORE than the present and cause the more recent parts of my life to seem unimportant or close to invisible.

I'm not always aiming for positive emotions...

Sometimes it's hard to explain why I am drawn towards certain kinds of creative writing, visual art, and photographic art that others might view or interpret as gross, gory, unsettling, disturbing, or even offensive, because there are various different reasons, sometimes fused together and somewhat different depending on the piece of art.

One of those reasons is that earlier on in my life, I feel like I experienced quite a few examples of people choosing to hide (or avoid knowledge or awareness of) parts of reality that they found disturbing. I understand not revealing certain disturbing aspects of reality to little kids (but also some little kids don't even have the privilege of being able to avoid certain disturbing aspects of reality), but I also think that some adults would rather act like disturbing aspects of reality don't really exist forever. On one hand, that's an individual choice, but on the other hand it's a choice that not everyone has the privilege to make if they're surrounded by a different part of reality.

With my own poetry/art OR poetry/art by others that I choose to share, I'm not purposely aiming to shock or offend, but I'm also not aiming to keep it calm or pretty or avoid the unpleasant or bothersome. There are a variety of different kinds of poetry/art I'm drawn to in some ways, but among those, I've always been drawn towards some dark, unsettling, and disturbing. Why? I don't know exactly or maybe that's because there's a variety of different reasons, depending on the art and other factors. Sometimes because it stimulates my brain and catalyzes creative impulses. Sometimes because it has a strong affect on my emotions (and I'm not always aiming for positive emotions). Sometimes because I'd rather feel angry than sad. Sometimes because I'd rather be made aware of/attempt to confront something disturbing or disgusting than stay unaware of it, hidden from it, or choose to just ignore it. Which is not to say I never ignore things. Sometimes I do.

I would never personally kill an animal, but I've taken photos of dead birds and dead baby bird fetuses before, not because I thought it was shocking or titillating but partly because it's a small but unsettling part of reality that many people would rather just walk past and ignore. Also because I'm so disturbed by death or by life just visually disappearing.

Some years ago when I had my dog put to sleep (which in my opinion is a pretty disturbing phrase and a very difficult experience) and then brought his dead body back to my house, I was drawn to take a few photos of him, because that was the last time I was going to see his body. I had loved my dog and I had taken tons of photos of him when he was alive. But I only snapped one really quick one after he was dead, because my parents were over and that might have freaked them out and seemed ridiculously weird to them. They liked my dog too, but everyone processes and handles these things somewhat differently. I guess I'm drawn to someone incorporate death into art, since I'm so into art, and if something still exists in art then it doesn't seem entirely dead?

I'm much more disturbed by the idea of death/non-existence and the uncaringness of death itself and by people just tossing dead animals in a big trash heap like they're garbage than I am of people photographing that unsettling part of reality and presenting it in order to provoke thoughts and feelings (which is part of what I think art does).

With this interconnected small series of poems I'm currently in the process of working on, one of them is trying to express a difference between fantasy horror films and documentation of real life violence, in terms of some people implying it's not a good idea to watch too many horror films but also implying that we should try to ignore many aspects of real life violence. I'm having a hard time with the poem for some reason. Who knows? Maybe semi-sorting through these thoughts of mine here and then copying and pasting them next to my poem-in-progress might help me finish it soon. Or maybe not.

Ongoing invisibility glitches...

Sometimes I feel like I'm spending hours and hours and hours working on stuff that hardly anyone cares about but me. Which is fine, I guess (as long as I care about it and enjoy it), but it also causes me to feel sort of invisible and questioning meanings.

Then it sometimes reaches a point where I'm not even sure why I'm spending so much time and attention working on my individual invisible stuff inside my individual invisible brain-land. It's not loneliness; I almost never feel lonely these days (I love having time to myself/ by myself to do my own thing); it's more like what is the point of this, this, this or ANYTHING sort of thoughts/feelings. Feeling semi-randomly invisible in regards to stuff that doesn't feel invisible to me, but maybe it almost is anyway.

And then when I keep working away in my invisible land anyway, I start thinking of black holes and wondering if part of my brain is some sort of black hole. Or more like a tiny wormhole inside a small book, probably involving poetry. 

Maybe even poetry that I spent a lot of time, effort, energy, and even genuine passion creating, but not long after it's completed, it might soon turn invisible again (or it might not, so I keep trying...)...

When I was younger, my feelings of invisibility manifested themselves in a more physical manner. For example, if I was in a room full of people, my brain would try to convince me that nobody could see me, even though I could see them - and I'd have to look in the mirror a lot in order to visualize myself and prove that I physically existed. But now it's more a mental/emotional thing. Yes, I physically exist (and yes I have real thoughts, feelings, and awareness), but does it really matter? Yes? No? Maybe? Ask the latest Ouija Board?

I most likely don't matter very much in the vast scheme of things, but do I even matter that much on a small scale? I mean, sure I matter on a very small personal scale to myself, but...

Long Self-Expression

I don't want to accidentally come across like I'm carelessly writing off other people's thoughts/feelings when I post about a personal pet peeve, so here's a much longer form of personal expression. I'm not asking anyone to agree with me or join forces with me (although as always, anyone who wants to offer their thoughts/feelings/commentary on this is welcome to do so). I'm just making a substantial effort to express parts of why I feel the way I feel, act the way I act, and communicate the way I communicate. Also, I know there's nothing perfect about me and nor do I want there to be (and also, I know there's always room for personal improvement and personal growth). But wherever I'm at, I do want to try my best be an open and honest communicator, even if I make mistakes.

I will honestly admit that I don't relate to "groupthink" or groups in general. I don't feel like I fit in to any particular group and I don't desire to force myself to fit in anywhere in particular. (Although I do realize to an extent that might be a kind of white privilege - and that other people might not have as much of an opportunity or choice to focus on themselves as individuals). It's not a matter of whether or not I agree with the overall points of a group. It's more like the bigger the agenda of the group, the less room there seems to be for divergence or free thinking or individual thoughts, feelings, personal expression (which is my preferred form of expression). At least that's my perception/impression of groupthink and groups in general.

In addition to that, another main reason I don't like groups on social media is they seem prone to leading towards group attacks. Even if something significantly substantial is initially expressed, what is the significantly substantial point of a group of people that seem to feel similarly all responding/reacting to that point of view in a way that causes the point of view to be overtaken by lashing out at anyone who feels differently AND lashing out at people who feel similarly, but just don't express their thoughts/feelings the same way. I don't know if I'm doing a good job of describing this and I'm sure I've done it before too - the lashing out. I've made mistakes, even to the point of accidentally ruining friendships, because I expressed my point of view in a lashing out sort of way. I try not to do it quickly or carelessly or frequently though. And I've never done it in an attempt to catalyze a group attack - because then it sometimes starts to seem a little bit like mob mentality (in my opinion). Like when someone else on the thread expresses a sentence or two from a different approach/point of view and quickly gets slammed and made fun of by whole handfuls of other adults. I don't garner any enjoyment from making fun of someone based on a few sentences (but some people in group attacks certainly seem to) and frankly, I don't see how that furthers any particular cause.

Me saying that group attacks make me uncomfortable is not me saying that they're right or wrong or silly or foolish; but they make me uncomfortable because even if they started out by questioning a situation that might have deserved to be seriously questioned, they often end up also angrily attacking people who just feel a little bit differently or people who don't respond to things the same way or who don't understand things the same way etc...

In my opinion, based on my own online experience, this sort of thing seems to happen most often in the realm of conversations that get political and people start attacking other people when they don't even know the details of the other person's point of view. Here's one example. During election season, I had posted something on my facebook wall that ended up leading towards a political debate sort of conversation. I don't remember the details of the post or the conversation, but I do remember that a man I casually new in real life (but new nothing about his political sensibilities because we had never talked about that), came onto my wall and made some sort of angry, aggressive, anti-hillary comment under the commentary of a few women who were making pro-hillary comments. The women didn't bow down and succumb to his negative aggression, they commented back, and he got angrier and more aggressive, as well as racist and sexist and violently hostile. I was about to attempt commenting on the situation, but then my phone rang and I ended up having a 30 minute or so phone conversation with my mom. I could hear my computer beeping away in the background (indicating that more and more comments were being posted), but I wasn't in front of my computer for half an hour or so. When I got back on my computer, the man (who as I said, I had known casually in real life) had unfriended me and blocked me, even though I hadn't made a single comment on any of his comments, because I hadn't been online! So I guess he unfriended and blocked me because two of my online friends (who I barely knew at all) had offended him? And he just assumed I felt the same as them, even though I hadn't said ANYTHING yet? (I mean, I'm glad he unfriended me, because his comments were angry, aggressive and hostile, as well as racist and sexist - but my point is I was quickly unfriended/blocked without even having expressed my own point of view yet.)

Something some people may or may not know about me (sometimes I think I talk about it too much; sometimes I think I don't talk about it enough) is that about seven years ago, I had an unexpected stroke, which resulted in some brain damage. I healed wonderfully for the most part (I honestly think it was my strong passion for and drive towards poetry and creative expression that seriously helped me heal), but my reading and writing will always be significantly slower than it used to be - and certain things that used to come naturally to me require a lot more concentration to achieve. For example, I just had to dictionary.com whether "heal" or "heel" was the right spelling there and that's something that would have come naturally to me in the past. I have to do that a lot with basic words, to remind myself of their spelling and of their meaning. While writing this, two words that I looked up that my mind was off-kilter about their definitions were "reaction" and "legitimate". (I also looked up "groupthink", which I didn't even realize was an actual word and the definition of that was "the practice of thinking or making decisions as a group in a way that discourages creativity or individual responsibility" - and after I read that definition, I felt confused about how anyone could view that positively, because that definition sounds awful to me).

Anyway, here's where I'm going with this. In the past, my brain used to understand certain types of academic language significantly better than I am able to understand that type of language these days. For example, I used to love reading really academic book reviews and so forth. In the present, one arena in which I have a particularly hard time with words is the political arena. In the past, I could express my political viewpoints in a specific and detailed way; now I cannot. That doesn't mean I'm clueless or that I don't know how I feel, but I have a hard time expressing it - and I have a hard time understanding and categorizing political talk that involves real words combined with jargon and rhetoric and propaganda and political correctness and shady fine print and true/false/fake etc... I feel a little bit embarrassed to admit this, but it's true. My brain does not entirely understand and can't reasonably handle that stuff anymore.

At the risk of embarrassing myself even more (although I'm not entirely sure why I feel ashamed about this, because it's not my fault that my brain has this flaw - and frankly, I'd rather have trouble with corporate style political language rather than with individualistic, creative, poetic language), when I try to understand political language, I have to look up word after word after word. This is one of the reasons I rarely participate in political conversations on social media. Sometimes, after I find out a words definition, it's still difficult for me to interpret its usage or POV in certain sentences or bigger pictures. And sometimes in the social media group attacks where political stuff comes into play to an extent, I honestly don't understand a lot of what is being said. Last week or the week before, I had to look up "fascism" to remind myself what it meant - then a few days later, I forgot and had to ask my boyfriend to remind me what it meant - and now I've already forgotten its definition again. Even when I look up its definition again, that doesn't mean I can easily interpret its usage in every sentence.

On one hand, it upsets me and causes me to feel sad that I'm not as intelligent as I used to be (at least not on an academic or political language sort of level). On another hand, I feel like it has made me less judgmental based on the fine print, more open-minded, and more focused on how other people act/react rather than how they talk. Unique creative expression is still extremely important to me - but so is open-minded, non-judgmental discourse, in which we don't all have to feel the same way, act the same way, and talk the same way, etc....

On one hand, it bothers me that part of my brain might have below-average intelligence and even though I still feel similarly to the way I used to feel, I can't express certain things as well. On another hand, I'm glad I can still express my own thoughts and feelings and that I can still express myself creatively/poetically/artistically. And on another hand, my different brain seems to have shown me that sometimes people who use a lot of academic language might not understand (or might not care) that the main people they're communicating with are other people who use a lot of academic language - because a lot of other people don't even understand what they're talking about because of their language. (Of course "academic language" there could be replaced with all kinds of other words too, including "political" and including "poetic". I write a lot of poetry that a lot of people don't understand, because it's not there style of expression. I'm not criticizing poetry language or political language or academic language per se; I'm just pointing out that a lot of people don't understand certain kinds of language; and why be condescending towards or enraged by someone who doesn't understand things the same way you do? - unless they're unwilling to listen to or try to consider other points of view).

Back to looking up words, if you don't already know what it means, you might be interested in looking up the word "aphasia". I have a certain mild form of aphasia as a result of my brain damage. That might be a part of the reason why it seems like I post variations on the same things fairly frequently. Which also sort of embarrasses me, because what if almost everything I say is another variation of the same, a repetitive mess? What if I think I'm being uniquely genuinely creatively expressive but I've said it all before and before and before, ad infinitum (I was pretty sure ad infinitum made sense there, but I had to look it up to be sure.) ?

Back to political language, since I have a difficult time with that language these days, I sometimes wonder/worry if some people think I'm keeping my mouth shut about certain things because I'm conservative. Well I am most certainly not conservative, politically or otherwise. I am not someone who doesn't care about marginalized groups, marginalized voices or about marginalization (and I hope my posts don't give the impression that I'm marginalizing important/significant things, because that is certainly not my intent).

As I said, I'm not very good at expressing myself or explaining myself politically but I can try. I consider myself Independent/Democratic/Liberal but not extremist. I don't automatically "unfriend" people who have a different political (or other) point of view than me, although there are times I've been strongly tempted to. I think women's rights and minority rights are hugely important and even though I try to be open to different points of view, I have a hard time understanding and cannot at all relate to why anyone voted for Trump. I am extremely anti the "pro-life" movement or any movement that indicates that the government should have any control over people's bodies. I certainly don't think racism or sexism or LGBTQ-phobia should be ignored (or made worse) by the government. Police brutality disgusts me. But aside from attempting to express my own viewpoints like that, I'm not good at describing things in political language. Even though I'm not extreme or an activist, I don't discredit activism. I think it's very important and meaningful that some people are able to understand the details of larger scale movements and work hard in support of others.

Occasionally people seem to interpret my wall posts as attacking them or belittling their point of view, but I'm not trying to attack or belittle any individual or any particular group. I just don't like group attacks. I realize there are very valid reasons for some of them, but then they often start going all over the place and making it harder to identify with or understand the overall reasons, at least for me

yet another variation on...

When I'm talking out loud, I think I use the words "um", "like" and "literally" too much. I don't really know why I use the word "literally", because I don't really think anything is exact.

I also use the words "maybe" and "I guess" a lot.

I guess maybe I'm not very adherent or stringent. But hopefully that doesn't make me wishy washy.

Anyway, I looked up the definition of "literally" and here is it's informal definition.

"used for emphasis or to express strong feeling while not being literally true."

That's kind of a funny informal definition and I guess that makes a little sense in terms of me using it, because I sometimes sound emphatic and I'm pretty expressive and feeling-based. But sometimes I think too much of what I express is either accidentally exaggerated or overly repetitive.

I think my voice sometimes sounds more confident than I actually feel too.

And yes, I realize this might be yet another variation on the sort of thoughts/feelings I've been repetitively expressing lately.

and so on and so forth

 I used to think that there was always a very valid and potentially powerful point to creative expression via poetry and art (and sometimes I still think so and still feel that way), but a lot of my creative expression is very personal (which I'm usually fine with, because that's how I write and create).

But lately I've been thinking that even if my poems are a meaningful form of expression for me personally, they might not have much of a larger purpose (and they're still valuable to me if they don't but...) I mean, who wants to hear a middle-aged, middle-class white woman go on and on about her body issues and her anxiety and her depression and her anger and her relationship issues and her uncertainty about whatever the heck love is and so on and so forth?

Granted, I'm technically poverty level, but I don't feel poor, so I'll always consider myself middle class. Granted, I'm technically disabled, but I don't directly focus on that in my poetry and sometimes it upsets me when people seem to encourage me to focus MORE on my disability in my poetry, because maybe I already AM focusing on it in an indirect, semi-abstract sort of way. Sometimes I think that me feeling like I barely exist and that I'm not particularly meaningful is a sort of side effect of the brain damage of my stroke, because I don't remember feeling so pointless when I was younger, but maybe I always felt that way, or maybe I would have felt that way when I got older anyway, whether or not I had undergone such a brain fluke.

But it makes me feel a bit weirdly uncomfortable if people seem more interested in my brain damage rather than my poetry - because of those two parts of my life, I most definitely prefer the poetry, whether or not it interests many others. 

something or other

I never really related to adults who seem to think/act as if age and life experience makes us more important and fills us with vastly meaningful knowledge to place upon others, whether others asked for that knowledge or not.

Maybe it's partly a parental thing (I don't know; because I'm not a parent - and I also know parents who don't act this way), but whatever it is, the people who seem to think that their own knowledge will really empower others often seem to start acting that way before they're even 30 years old.

As for me, sure I can share my own thoughts and feelings and ideas related to/derived from my own life experiences with others to an extent, but I'm not going to act like I'm some expert on anything, because ultimately, I'm just me. I've never felt like an expert who gains enough powerful knowledge to tell others what they should or shouldn't do for themselves - how they should feel, how they should act, who they should be. How about they just be themselves and don't be too stagnant?

I mean, if anyone asks me a question, I'll try my best to answer, but not from some angle that seems to imply that my way is the way everyone else should think or act or feel.

I don't think of my own life experience and knowledge as steadily increasing and rising up (or down), I feel like I'm mostly moving in the same slightly contorted semi-circle shapes, sometimes slightly rising, sometimes repetitively falling, but mostly just semi-circling, but trying not to be too stuck.

Even with my poems and art, I'll feel really excited when I initially write a new poem, but usually it doesn't take long after that before it doesn't feel new; it feels more like I'm repeating different variations on the same subject again and again. I hope I'm not too stagnant or stuck - but I think it's more of an always moving mentality, even if I'm repeatedly moving in similar directions.

I actually tend to love when people share their own genuine thoughts, feelings, experiences, and ideas in personal passionate expressive sort of waves.

But back to those who feel the need to share their own seemingly vast knowledge in an expert-like sort of manner, who the heck knows everything they need to know in life when they hit a certain age? NOBODY.  In fact, I don't think anybody knows everything EVER.

Maybe people who tend to limit their own lives in certain ways feel the need to limit other people's lives in similar ways too. 

But what do I know? That's just my own opinion on something or other.

Whore

These thoughts derived from a facebook post of mine last night, about Thirteen Myna Birds getting too many sex-focused poetry submissions from men, in which the female characters basically just boil down to being holes filled with emotional trauma rooted in the men. (It derived from a comment under that post, which mentioned prostitute writing lessons, armed with a yard stick to slap unwanted advances).

I'm not sure what prostitute writing lessons are, but the words prostitute and yard stick slapping in rather rapid succession caused me to think of this Whore song I recently listened to/watched the video of. I like the song and the video, BUT it also brings to my mind a long lasting, continually ongoing (maybe to the point of semi-clichéd?) gender-based response/reaction that I have mixed feelings about, in which women visually whore-themselves up by choice, in order to stand out to the type of men who see women as whores and then the women take advantage of/or screw up/ or control those men, in one way or another.

Whore-themselves up is an overstated description that I'm using because of the song title/video.

But it does seem like a lot of women will purposely over-sexualize themselves, appearance-wise, as a sort of visual proof that they're in control of their own body and style. (Reading this over again one day later, I'm not exactly sure why I used the word "oversexualize". Women choosing the way they dress/look isn't usually a sexualization sort of thing. I guess I'm not sure what it is and where the stylized appearance focus comes from. I guess it comes from lots of different places)  

I've done it myself, but sometimes I wonder why are we trying to prove ourselves VISUALLY? And what are we trying to prove?

When I've done it, there have been times when it really does cause me to feel more powerful and in-control, but I'm not sure WHY. I mean, I can understand wanting to be in control of myself, but what does that have to do with my appearance? What do sexy looks have to do with power and control? What do dominant/submissive looks have to do with power and control, outside of the sexual realm? Is it because sometimes we don't feel like we're in control sexually (and otherwise) and so we want to visualize ourselves in a way that makes us feel like we are and makes others see that we are, because it's right there in everyone's face (whereas they can't hear what's inside our heads)?

Yes we can choose our own attire and makeup and hair style (well some of us can), but it's not like we can choose and completely control our own body type and facial appearance, other than modifying it with diet and exercise or taking it to even more of an extreme with cosmetic surgery. I'm not strongly for or against any of those things (I have my personal feelings, but I think it's an individual choice) - but then there's the fact that some people don't have the privilege of being able to make as many choices along those lines. As in, poor people (income-wise) would have a much harder time affording healthy food and other aspects of controlling their own body, choosing their ideal hair or makeup or attire and so forth. So is appearance oriented control more of a middle-class and above sort of option?

I'm just sort of thinking/wondering out loud.

Wondering why so many expressions/perceptions of women are looks-based. Men's perceptions of women, women's perceptions of other women, women's perceptions of themselves. Women trying to impress men, women trying to impress other women, women trying to impress themselves, in terms of what they look like. Women trying to take control and power by making up their faces and dressing however they choose.

Of course people should be able to dress however they choose for whatever reasons they choose (and of course dress style and personality type should not be equated to being a whore or asking for it or anything of the sort),  but sometimes I wonder what the reasons are.  Do we even necessarily know?

I understand why my choice of attire and makeup appealed to me so much when I was younger - because when I was still a teenager who didn't have my own individual space or lifestyle yet, the way I chose to look felt like one of the only ways I could stand out and be myself. But why do I still care so much about my looks now? Why is standing out visually still important to so many adult women? Do we wish we were models?  Models for what reason?  Models of what?

I do still think of my looks as a creative expression of myself, at least the parts of my looks I can take some control over and make my own choices about, such as attire and hair style and makeup. I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing to express myself that way and choosing to stand out however I choose to.

But I think it becomes trickier when we wish we had standardized model (or standardized sexy) faces or bodies, in order to stand out and when we feel drawn to conform towards the sort of appearance that is seen as attractive by others (men, celebrities, fashion magazines, or even porn magazines/movies). It's like wanting to stand out by fitting into ideal mainstream sensibilities. It's a contradictory mess. And I'm sure as heck not immune to it. I'm a contradictory mess about it too.

My looks are still a part of myself I feel like I can take my own chosen control over, but that won't last forever. I think those of us who tend to be looks-based are bound to have a harder time with naturally aging. Because if we're mainstream looks-based, then we lose some of our appeal as we lose some of our hair color and skin texture and other youthful features of our appearance.

Back to the Whore song/video linked to below, as previously mentioned, I do find it visually appealing and interesting in various ways. But it also causes me to think (maybe intentionally, maybe not) about the ongoing side-taking power structures where so many people seem to feel like they have to take a side to be in control. So men lash out at women, women lash out at men, women lash out at other women, we lash out at who we disagree with, we lash out at who we don't understand, we group things together instead of trying to individualize them.

The S&M attire and style of this video is also visually interesting to me,  but also causes me to wonder about if S&M and other kinky sexual fetishes are more of a middle-class and above proclivity too, and causes me to wonder why one person always feels drawn to be in control of (or be controlled by) the other - unless they regularly alternate between controlling and controlled.

Here's the Whore song video - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GurkREc-q4I

***

And here are the first 8 lines of the first poem that will be appearing within the new September flock of Thirteen Myna Birds ("I Am I" by Tonya Eberhard), coming this Friday!

"The flowers may never be well again.

Wrapped in pearls and rain, some

odious presence still lurks, more 

than willing to suck the water from 

its roots, pluck off its dress skirts 

one by one. I may never be well 

again. Paper-thin, one-dimensional

in an all too-terrifying world."

Some of My Thoughts on Starting a Press

Happy June! I recently spent quite a bit of time participating in answering some press related questions for a forthcoming Sundress Roundtable, in which different editors of different presses offer their feedback and points of view. I will share the Sundress Roundtable when it is published, but for now, I am sharing my own answers to the questions.

(Again, these are just my own individual answers. Other editor/poet people might have very different sorts of answers.)

~Juliet Cook/Blood Pudding Press
***

Why did you found your press?

I started my Blood Pudding Press close to ten years ago now, so it's hard for me to remember the exact details of how I felt at that time, but I know it involved a strong and genuine passion for poetry and a realization that it was mostly poets who published other poets.  I had been a big fan of 'zines  in my late teens through mid twenties, then indie literary magazines in my twenties all the way until now. When I was in my early 30s, I became a big fan of frequent blogging for several years.  My blog site was Xanga and my blogger name was candydishdoom. I met a few creative writers there (some of whom I've remained connected with ever since), right around the time when they were initially starting their own online literary magazines and/or small presses. For example, Rachel Kendall, who started Sein und Werden not long after we met and has kept it going for years now and Kristy Bowen, who started Dancing Girl Press around that time. I loved how small indie poetry presses seemed like unique artsy poetic variations of 'zines and I loved  the individualism of our Xanga blog style communication and I loved poetry and poetry chapbooks.  

I think I'd had a little back burner of an inkling to start my own itty bitty press for a year or two before I actually did it, but I felt overly nervous that I'd somehow screw it up. But in late 2006,  I had this sudden spurt of finishing a small series of Twin Peaks inspired poems that had been sitting unfinished in the back of a folder for about 10 years, and I felt really strongly about the poems, and thought they worked best together instead of individually, and so I decided that would be a great time to start my own small press and publish my own chapbook first, because if I had trouble with formatting, design, or anything else, I wouldn't be affecting another poet with my fledgling difficulties.  Kristy Bowen gladly shared information with me about how she formatted her Dancing Girl Press chapbooks, I followed her formatting tips, I designed my own cover art, and I took it from there.  After I got more comfortable with formatting and design, I shifted away from publishing myself with my own press and started publishing multiwriter collections and individual chapbooks by others.

For years, I felt so passionately excited about choosing chapbooks, designing chapbooks, and uniquely hand-crafting chapbooks. I loved being a part of the poetry community who was not only focused on myself, but also helped support others too.

What were some of the early pitfalls you found?

I honestly don't remember many EARLY pitfalls, aside from my initial nervousness. I remember feeling extremely drawn to, excited and passionate about what I was doing for quite a few years.

Reading the responses above mine, about money and time, I agree, BUT I don't remember those being major concerns of mine when I first started my press.  As far as funding, I don't expect nor do I want anyone else to help fund my press (other than buying the created chapbooks). I am an ANTI-fan of how much crowdfunding has grown in recent years. As far as time, that can certainly be a challenge, but I’ve tried my best not to take on more than I can reasonably handle.

For me personally, the pitfalls came later, when I started to feel as if my press was inundating so much of my time and creative energy, that I didn't have enough time to read things not related to the press, to write and revise my own poetry, to submit my own poetry and so forth. I think I have a high drive but a moderate to slow process of accomplishing certain kinds of things.  I'm not a good  multitasker; I'm a one focus at a time sort of person; and for various reasons, it seemed to be getting harder for me to split my focus in all the directions I wanted to and it got to the point where I sometimes started to feel bothered by my own brains slow pace. Over the years, I've heard quite a few small press editors/writers express that their press started to take precedence over their own writing - and that's fine, if you WANT that to happen - but ultimately, I DIDN'T want anything to take precedence over my own writing, at least not on a long term, ongoing basis.

Some other pitfalls that came later for me were partly generated by social media and/or my own brain’s interpretation of certain aspects of social media. Social media, especially facebook, is so up-to-the-minute that it can rather easily cause you to feel like if you're offline for a few days, then you're not going to stay up to date and you're not going to stay on top of things that are going on in poetry land. Plus sometimes on social media, certain poets or presses suddenly seem to get lambasted by a whole group of others and if you were offline for a few days, you don't even know what generated the lambasting when you get back online, and even if some of the lambasting was deserved, it seems to quickly reach the point of fast-paced attack mode, like people are flinging an arsenal of pies at other people's faces and the pies have weapons loaded inside and people seem to launch too quickly into taking the side of this weapon-loaded pie or that weapon-loaded piece.

Another social media related pitfall for me is that I feel like I see other small presses talking about their big influxes of chapbook sales and then I start wondering why is my press barely selling enough chapbooks to break even when other small presses sound like they're selling more than double the amount I'm selling and so what am I doing wrong etc...

When I started to question my own way of doing things, that's when I also started to reconsider my press - because I don't want poetry to feel like some sort of competitive popularity contest, yet part of my mind felt as if it was starting to warp itself into that way of thinking.

Like one part of my mind couldn't care less how I compare to others; but the other part of my mind was some mutant cheerleader doing little splits and wondering why this press's splits and this press's splits appeared to be spreading much further than mine, even though I didn’t necessarily want mine to spread that much further.

How much marketing is a new indie press expected to do for its authors?

I think this is variable and largely depends on the press. The size of the press, the money of the press, the number of editors of the press,  the time constraints of the press,  the location of the press, the brainwaves of the press and what those waves are aiming to do.

My press doesn't do a great deal of in person promoting, overall. I've been to AWP a few times, but certainly can't afford that conference regularly. I've been to smaller more local conferences and events in my general area. But I'm limited because of location, my brain flukes, and other reasons.

I do promote new chapbooks quite a bit online (via facebook, twitter, my personal blog, my Blood Pudding Press blog, and my website), I do have an online shop offering my Blood Pudding Press chapbooks (https://www.etsy.com/shop/BloodPuddingPress), and I do send out quite a few review copies of each chapbook. I appreciate it when the authors help to market and promote their work too.

One positive thing about social media for presses is that's it's a widely available promotional tool.

One not so positive thing is it can shift your attention all over the place, looking at a little bit of this and a little bit of that and wondering how in the world you're doing to find time to focus on everything that interests you.

With everything that's going on in social media, all at the same time, even though its posts can direct attention towards your press, they don't necessarily increase the sales of your press. Just because people like a bunch of things on social media doesn't mean they're going to buy all those things they like.

What are some of the differences between online chapbooks and print chapbooks? What are the benefits of each?

I personally prefer print chapbooks, visually and on a sensory level. I think they  look and feel more unique and extra-special and one-of-a-kind and you can touch them and smell them and flip through their pages at your own pace.

I'm a big fan of online literary magazines, but when it comes to chapbooks, I definitely tend to be more positively drawn to print.

However, online chapbooks are more easily and widely accessible and thus could have a significantly wider potential audience.

What tips do you have on designing the layout of an issue or book?

I don't have the best tips to offer. I'm a one-woman old school designer, who uses Microsoft Word to design my chapbook's innards AND covers and I'm not good at explaining how I do it, I just do it how I do it.

How do you determine fair pricing for cover art?

I highly value visual art, but I can't afford to pay an artist 100 bucks to design a cover for me, or even 50 bucks.  In my own experience, some visual artists value poetry just as much as some poets value visual art, and they're excited enough about having their art appear on the forum of a poetry chapbook and being credited in the book and receiving a free copy of the book that they don't necessarily require monetary payment. I've paid some artists a small amount (in addition to crediting them and giving them a copy of the book) to create a new piece of art specifically for a cover. I've also purchased an existing piece of art from an artist in appreciation for being given permission to use that existing piece of art on the cover of a book.  I've also used parts of some of my own visual art creations as cover art for some Blood Pudding Press chapbooks.

What would you say writers expect from the editors of a new press?

I think that depends on the writer and the press. For me as a writer, I'm fairly open, but I would like a press to offer me a tentative time frame of WHEN the book will be published (and offer me updates if that time frame changes), a reasonable amount of free copies of the book with additional copies at a discount rate, and a reasonable amount of help promoting the book. Since that's what I desire as a writer, that's what I aim for as an editor too.

What's the most rewarding aspect of beginning a new press?

Feeling like you're being a personal part of the poetry community. Feeling like you're creating what is meaningful to you and making a small but powerful difference to a few others.

Spending some personal time and energy and creative attention and genuine care focusing on other poets you appreciate and admire and helping their voices be heard.

Receiving meaningful tidbits of positive feedback and support directed at your press's chapbook's innards as well as their design.

Having a few people who seem to actually care about and appreciate what you do and genuinely enjoy it.

Being your true creative self and helping to share a few other true creative selves.

small snippet (perception)

Had a lot of trouble sleeping this past week, which means I sometimes popped up and jotted down notes. Here's a small one (coming soon is a longer one I wrote after semi-randomly thinking about Lady Gaga):

I think there are certain things/experiences/people that happen within our lives that we are going to continue to remember for a long time, maybe even forever.

I hope I am one of those people within a few other people's remembrances and I hope the remembrance of me is a good one.

I hope I am not an overly disappointing, overly sad, overly stressful memory.

I hope I am not a blah, bland, neutral, whatever memory.

I hope I am a positive, powerful memory for someone - but one never knows exactly how anyone else perceives her.

Oddly enough, I know how some people perceive my poetry, but not how the non-poetry part of me is perceived.

I’ve never liked the phrase GO WITH THE FLOW

You didn’t like the way I dressed – you read some of my poetry and cried – you were upset by my taste in books – & many times when I expressed a different opinion/point of view than yours, you seemed to think that opinion/point of view of mine was created by or heavily influenced by other people rather than being my own opinion that happened to differ from yours.

That started a very long time ago. I remember it happening a lot back when I was in college. If my opinion wasn’t the same as yours, you seemed to think my opinion was created by/influenced by/controlled by others. For one small example, when instead of being anti-abortion, I became pro-choice, you seemed to think that must have been due to somebody else, rather than due to my own opinion changing as I became an adult.

Since you’ve often seemed to think I’m someone who is overly influenced by others (and since I have always disagreed with that perspective of yours about me), part of me was overly worried/concerned about the chance that you might be using my post-stroke situation as some sort of excuse to rid me of someone/something you had never really liked – and since I don’t want another adult to make a choice for me too quickly (or at all for that matter, because I don’t think adults should try to make lifestyle choices for other adults – offering opinions is one thing; but repeatedly telling someone what they should do is another thing), it took me longer to make my own choice.

I tend to be a slow decision maker anyway, even about little things – and when it comes to a big, major lifestyle decision, I sure don’t want to make my choice too fast. For the most part, it is up to each adult to make their own choices when ready/willing. If it took me too long by some people’s standards, oh well. Lots of things take me too long by some people’s standards and it is important to me to try my best to stay attuned to my own standards/thoughts/feelings/perspectives.

I strongly dislike it when I try to express how I am feeling about something and the person I’m talking to interrupts me and says something like, ‘No, that is NOT the way you feel’ as though I am making up my own thoughts/feelings or as if they think they might be more aware of my own thoughts/feelings than I am. WTF!?! Yes, I have lots of mixed feelings, but that doesn’t make me a faker, a lying person, or a person who wants someone else to tell me how I should feel or how I do feel.

Let me express myself my way.

***

(Woke up in the middle of the night a while back and felt compelled to write those notes on papers beside my bed and have now decided to post them here. They probably sound semi-random, but I wanted to write them down again and then throw the papers away).