as she lives inside the garbage can, un-bagged,
praying she won’t get completely thrown away."
part of my poem, "Some of the Dolls Hide in the Basement', in The Rising Phoenix Review
read more here - https://therisingphoenixreview.com/2021/07/05/some-of-the-dolls-hide-in-the-basement-by-juliet-cook/
"At least I tried to persevere,
by preserving the broken parts but
some of these broken parts are dead."
When I express my own feelings/point of view about an issue in which I seriously disagree with someone else and then I get ignored, which causes me to feel like I did something wrong by expressing myself. Which causes me to feel like I might be ignored until I apologize for expressing myself (even though I don't disagree with myself). Which causes me to feel like maybe I shouldn't express myself and maybe I should be more silent.
Other people can tell me all they want to continue expressing myself and even though I appreciate that perspective and agree with it in theory, it doesn't help me feel much better when I'm frequently at home by myself just expressing myself to myself with nobody else listening. When I'm walking around in circles by myself expressing myself inside my own head.
Everyone has their own boundaries for their own reasons and everyone's boundaries deserve to be respected. But unfortunately, with some people, it's easier said than done to enforce one's own boundaries, especially if other people keep trying to force their way of doing things on top of yours.
With some people, it doesn't seem to matter how much you try to express your own boundaries. They repeatedly ignore them, act like something's wrong with you for having them, and continually seem to let their way of doing things takes precedence, even in your own space.
Despite that, everyone is still allowed to have their own boundaries, even if certain people seem unable to respect those. We should not have to feel badly about or guilty for having our own boundaries, even though sometimes when they're disrespected, it can be hard not to wonder, is their something wrong with ME?
It's especially hard when other people seem to try to give you the impression that your thoughts and feelings are exaggerating things. Even if THEY see it that way, you're still allowed to have your own thoughts and feelings - and your own thoughts and feelings are still valid even if others seem to quickly write them off or throw them away or turn a blind eye.
Sometimes if I take the time to express myself about my boundaries and the other person(s) disagree(s), I am then just ignored...I guess until I....just pretend to agree with something I don't agree with? Just be quiet? Make myself act like something is no big deal to me and doesn't really bother me even if it is and does? Apologize for expressing myself? Apologize for having a different point of view, my own thoughts, my own feelings? Apologize for being me and feel like there's something wrong with me and I'm a bad person? Feel embarrassed about being me? Apologize for not respecting something that I didn't want done to begin with and wasn't even offered a choice about? Apologize for not automatically appreciating something that someone does inside my own space without my consent? Feel like I don't deserve to have my own space or to make my own choices?
If I'm ignored by others, I'll still express myself to myself (and those few who might listen). I'll still clarify my own thoughts and feelings for myself. Especially if I feel like my own thoughts and feelings barely exist or don't mean much to others.
Sometimes I feel like if I object to someone else's crossing of my boundaries, and then they act like I'm the one making a big deal out of nothing, even though they're the one who crossed the boundaries, then what? I guess I'm just expected to silently accept what someone else chooses to do, because... well... I don't know why... I guess because they think they automatically deserve to be more in control than me?Really the only things I care about being in control of are myself and my own space. I don't want or need to be in control of anyone or anything else. Just myself and my own space. So if someone else acts like it's no big deal if they take control of either of those two things (myself or my space), then I feel like they don't respect me and don't care about my feelings.
Essentially, everyone has their own boundaries (as well as their own thoughts, feelings, ideas, and behaviors) and it's not up to anyone else to tell me what mine should or shouldn't be or to feel free to take control of me or my own space.
If I feel like my own space is not my own, then part of me feels like maybe I should just run away and crawl into a cave and hide their by myself until a bear or a lion tear me apart or eat me or until I get invaded by giant parasites and turn into a parasitic twin with the parasites in control.
That last paragraph might be a slight exaggeration, but the rest is not, at least not in my mind. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but I don't want them to hurt mine either.
So in summary and to reiterate (and I'll reiterate as much as I want to and anyway, I'm doing it on my own personal blog, not inside someone else's space)...individuals have their own personal choices and personal boundaries for their own personal reasons and it is not up to someone else to decide what those should or shouldn't be or to carelessly disrespect them.
Disrespectful people can roll their eyes, but I'll still express myself how I choose to express myself. Of course, I say the wrong things sometimes, but at least I keep trying. I won't ignore my own thoughts and allow them to feel discredited.
You can still read it for FREE (or offer a small donation) here - https://ghostcitypress.com/2020-summer-series/histrionics-inside-my-interior-city?fbclid=IwAR39By41pmBdpPcDoC-vKWFqbADxW2p5ridat_eP-JubaIKzC5Nu0OmMwX4
The newest Blood Pudding Press poetry chapbook, "POISON MOONLIGHT" by Jason O'Toole has received a new little 5 star review by Tom Zampino via the Blood Pudding Press shop.