"My brain is broken. Slashed like an old horror
film scene, retching and dragging my un-tight legs along
this antiquated, soon to be autopsied linoleum floor.
Cracked allure of concussive gore. Bruised and confused
and wavering away from reality. Disabled runway model"
part of my long-ish poem, "The Age of Vicissitude"
I'm delighted to have this poem appearing within HSTQ: Spring 2025, the latest curated collection from Horror, Sleaze and Trash!
You can download this new collection for FREE here - https://horrorsleazetrash.com/2025/06/19/hstq-spring-2025/
This poem of mine also appears in my most recently published chapbook, "Blue Stingers Instead of Wings" (Pure Sleeze Press, 2025), which is still available to be acquired from Pure Sleeze here - https://puresleezepress.bigcartel.com/
Or from my own Blood Pudding Press here - https://www.etsy.com/listing/4314653197/new-blue-stingers-instead-of-wings-by
Showing posts with label aging process. Show all posts
Showing posts with label aging process. Show all posts
6/26/25
12/7/22
The Photo in My Obituary (and other thoughts)...
This is one of my long, semi-repetitive, personal thoughts/feelings sharing pieces, so don't bother reading it, if you're not into that sort of thing.
This is not directed at any particular person (nor any particular death) and is just my personal thoughts/feelings - but I personally don't get it and find it rather disconcerting and unclear about WHY when someone dies, a lot of people seem drawn to sharing a WAY younger photo of that person (whether online or even in the person's obituary).
I'm sure there are various different reasons derived from various different circumstances, but it still seems odd to me how prevalent it seems to be.
I'm 50 now. Let's say I die soon (which hopefully I don't). I wouldn't want one photo of me when I was 20 or 30 being the ONE photo chosen for my obituary or the MAIN photo(s) that friends or family members share online or otherwise, because...to me, that seems to indicate that the younger me was the better me...or the more appealing me or the more meaningful me or the more memorable or the more important...or the more attractive me.
As for the attractive part, it does seem true that some people start paying less attention to you (or looking at you differently or not looking at you much at all) as you get older. You might also look at yourself differently too. We all age (and we all age differently) and aging definitely has its down sides, but it also means we're still alive and living our lives. Overall, I think our brains should be more meaningful and important than our bodies. And so when I die, I don't want some photo of me from 20 or 30 years ago seeming to imply that was the best part of my life because I looked better or more powerful. Because what does that have to do with my brain? Anyone who REALLY knew me or cared deeply about me would share some of my poems when I died, because my poems are definitely a big part of my brain.
Although the older I get, the less meaningful and important my poems seem to others, but maybe I'm making that up. But I don't think so. Or maybe I'm more negative than I used to be (even though I've been pretty negative for years), because I used to think/hope/wish that at least my poetry would still be alive after I died, but I mean...my poetry doesn't even get much attention when I'm alive (I mean, it gets accepted for publication quite a bit, but I don't get the impression that many people read it), so...who knows?
Mind you, I'm not against past memories or past photos (we all have them), as long as the past doesn't outweigh the present. (Even with me and poetry, I most certainly appreciate my poetry and publications from the past, but I'm more drawn to the present).
It's not like I never share old memories from myself or others - or past photos of artists/singers/actors/performers or older poetry/art and so on. But I don't think I've ever shared a considerably older photo of someone shortly after that person dies? I could be wrong.
Maybe it's at least partly a personal memory thing. Like if someone knew that person when they were in their twenties (and wasn't as strongly drawn to them and/or didn't stay in as much contact with them in more recent years), then maybe that's how they'd personally remember that person looks-wise and/or personality-wise and/or art/poetry/performance-wise and/or otherwise after that person died. So along those lines, if someone I knew in my twenties found out I had died and shared a photo of me in my twenties (or a past poem of mine), then okay. But if someone I've known in the last 15 years or so (and/or we still know each other pretty well) shared one photo of me in my twenties after I died, I'd feel like WTF, did my younger self seem more important and meaningful to you than the last 20-30 years of my life? Did I accomplish nothing meaningful enough to seem more important than an old photo of the younger me?
I'm sure some other people see this differently, but the way I see it is that when people share considerably younger photos of someone after that person dies, but don't share more recent photos, that seems to be implying that the last 10 or 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 years of that person's life weren't as important or meaningful or memorable as when they were younger. (This doesn't apply if people share numerous photos, from the past AND closer to the present).
Also, when it comes to celebrity deaths, if you didn't know the person very well personally, but enjoyed and admired parts of their art (whether acting, singing, visual art, poetry, or otherwise) and after they die, you share a photo of them from 20 years ago or more, does that mean you liked their creative work when they were younger but not so much in recent years? I don't know what it means for others. But from a present poetry perspective, if someone shares some of my poetry when I die, I hope they don't share poetry I wrote 20 years ago or more (for a similar reason to the photos).
For me, I think when it comes to poets, artists, actors, musicians, and any human beings, most of us want to be loved and appreciated IN THE PRESENT more so than based on who we were in the past.
If when I die, someone puts up one photo of me from 20-30 years ago with one poem I wrote 20-30 years ago, that wouldn't be ME RIGHT NOW. Maybe it would be that person's memory or interpretation of me and there implication that that's when I was most meaningful to THEM. And again, I'm not discounting past memories (because I certainly have mine). But if I'm still alive in the present, then I'd like to be a meaningful part of a few other people's presents and I don't want my death to suddenly back track to the past MORE than the present and cause the more recent parts of my life to seem unimportant or close to invisible.
This is not directed at any particular person (nor any particular death) and is just my personal thoughts/feelings - but I personally don't get it and find it rather disconcerting and unclear about WHY when someone dies, a lot of people seem drawn to sharing a WAY younger photo of that person (whether online or even in the person's obituary).
I'm sure there are various different reasons derived from various different circumstances, but it still seems odd to me how prevalent it seems to be.
I'm 50 now. Let's say I die soon (which hopefully I don't). I wouldn't want one photo of me when I was 20 or 30 being the ONE photo chosen for my obituary or the MAIN photo(s) that friends or family members share online or otherwise, because...to me, that seems to indicate that the younger me was the better me...or the more appealing me or the more meaningful me or the more memorable or the more important...or the more attractive me.
As for the attractive part, it does seem true that some people start paying less attention to you (or looking at you differently or not looking at you much at all) as you get older. You might also look at yourself differently too. We all age (and we all age differently) and aging definitely has its down sides, but it also means we're still alive and living our lives. Overall, I think our brains should be more meaningful and important than our bodies. And so when I die, I don't want some photo of me from 20 or 30 years ago seeming to imply that was the best part of my life because I looked better or more powerful. Because what does that have to do with my brain? Anyone who REALLY knew me or cared deeply about me would share some of my poems when I died, because my poems are definitely a big part of my brain.
Although the older I get, the less meaningful and important my poems seem to others, but maybe I'm making that up. But I don't think so. Or maybe I'm more negative than I used to be (even though I've been pretty negative for years), because I used to think/hope/wish that at least my poetry would still be alive after I died, but I mean...my poetry doesn't even get much attention when I'm alive (I mean, it gets accepted for publication quite a bit, but I don't get the impression that many people read it), so...who knows?
Mind you, I'm not against past memories or past photos (we all have them), as long as the past doesn't outweigh the present. (Even with me and poetry, I most certainly appreciate my poetry and publications from the past, but I'm more drawn to the present).
It's not like I never share old memories from myself or others - or past photos of artists/singers/actors/performers or older poetry/art and so on. But I don't think I've ever shared a considerably older photo of someone shortly after that person dies? I could be wrong.
Maybe it's at least partly a personal memory thing. Like if someone knew that person when they were in their twenties (and wasn't as strongly drawn to them and/or didn't stay in as much contact with them in more recent years), then maybe that's how they'd personally remember that person looks-wise and/or personality-wise and/or art/poetry/performance-wise and/or otherwise after that person died. So along those lines, if someone I knew in my twenties found out I had died and shared a photo of me in my twenties (or a past poem of mine), then okay. But if someone I've known in the last 15 years or so (and/or we still know each other pretty well) shared one photo of me in my twenties after I died, I'd feel like WTF, did my younger self seem more important and meaningful to you than the last 20-30 years of my life? Did I accomplish nothing meaningful enough to seem more important than an old photo of the younger me?
I'm sure some other people see this differently, but the way I see it is that when people share considerably younger photos of someone after that person dies, but don't share more recent photos, that seems to be implying that the last 10 or 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 years of that person's life weren't as important or meaningful or memorable as when they were younger. (This doesn't apply if people share numerous photos, from the past AND closer to the present).
Also, when it comes to celebrity deaths, if you didn't know the person very well personally, but enjoyed and admired parts of their art (whether acting, singing, visual art, poetry, or otherwise) and after they die, you share a photo of them from 20 years ago or more, does that mean you liked their creative work when they were younger but not so much in recent years? I don't know what it means for others. But from a present poetry perspective, if someone shares some of my poetry when I die, I hope they don't share poetry I wrote 20 years ago or more (for a similar reason to the photos).
For me, I think when it comes to poets, artists, actors, musicians, and any human beings, most of us want to be loved and appreciated IN THE PRESENT more so than based on who we were in the past.
If when I die, someone puts up one photo of me from 20-30 years ago with one poem I wrote 20-30 years ago, that wouldn't be ME RIGHT NOW. Maybe it would be that person's memory or interpretation of me and there implication that that's when I was most meaningful to THEM. And again, I'm not discounting past memories (because I certainly have mine). But if I'm still alive in the present, then I'd like to be a meaningful part of a few other people's presents and I don't want my death to suddenly back track to the past MORE than the present and cause the more recent parts of my life to seem unimportant or close to invisible.
8/13/19
Some NEW Notes about my DARK PURPLE INTERSECTIONS (inside my Black Doll Head Irises) (Blood Pudding Press for dusie kollektiv 9, 2019)
rob mclennan's Ongoing notes on dusie kollektiv 9 chapbooks includes Dana Teen Lomax + me today 🖤
"The poems in DARK PURPLE INTERSECTIONS seek to explore and understand gestures, decisions and a sense of balance, including prior relationships, stroke recovery, ageing and depression, and the construction of dolls. “I’m tired of being a last resort,” she writes, in the poem “We haven’t talked in years, but suddenly he wants me again,” continuing: “a suicide hot line inside a middle-aged woman’s body, / stuck on repeat.”"
read more of his notes here -
http://robmclennan.blogspot.com/2019/08/ongoing-notes-dusie-kollektiv-9-dana.html
acquire your own copy of my DARK PURPLE INTERSECTIONS here -
https://www.etsy.com/listing/689260672/new-dark-purple-intersections-inside-my?ref=shop_home_feat_111/9/12
Mid-Life Crisis Bad Dream?
It
was me and him and another woman. I didn’t
know her very well and my mind and heart got really bad vibes from her (including
the vibe that she’d fake it and lie to get what she wanted; personality traits
that I pretty much despise), but what could I do? I sure wouldn’t choose to hang out with her
one on one, but he apparently liked hanging out with the both of us, and I really
liked him (probably way too much), so I went along with it.
It
reached a point at which I was supposed to guess the other woman’s age. He & I were of similar ages (38/40), so I assumed she was too, but I’m not good at guessing age based on
looks. She looked young; she looked
attractive; I figured she might be a little younger than him & me; maybe
35-ish; so I decided to guess a few years younger, just in case. I guessed 33.
She
spurted out a playful sounding laugh and at first I thought it was based on her
feeling delighted that I thought she looked younger than she actually was. I
was wrong.
I’m
23, she said in an annoyed voice.
Then I was annoyed at him for being so into a woman who was way more than ten
years younger than both of us. Really!?!
I blurted out, in semi-disbelief. Next thing I knew they were both glaring
at me. A 38 year old man who I thought
had felt very strongly about me personally – and a 23 year old woman I couldn’t relate to
at all, but whom he also seemed to feel strongly about. I did not understand
their connection and so I sort of freaked out, thinking he would try to work me
out of my freak out and tell her to tone down her rude laughter. “Should I just leave?” I asked. “Do you want it to be you and the 23 year
old?” I was sure he’d say know and try
to calm me down. Instead he looked at me with an unsmiling expression and glared
out, ‘Yeah’. A feeling of
semi-devastated disbelief came over me then.
Me:
Really?!?
Him:
Yeah.
Me:
Are you serious?!?
Him:
YEAH!
Her:
You heard him. Get the hell out of here.
Rude, mean, gleeful smile.
***
Not
a fun dream at all, since it involved real people and felt realistic - and even
though the ending really surprised me, that surprise ending felt unfortunately
realistic too.
When
a relationship oriented ending surprises you.
When
a man you thought felt truly strongly about you suddenly changes his mind - and then chooses to replace
you with a woman way younger than either of you – a woman from whom you can
clearly sense the vibe of fake chick who will say and do what she thinks he wants
to hear, in order to take him away from you and he can’t sense her fakery.
When
a bad dream combines age and relationship issues and causes you to make up feeling
as if your looks and your personality and your life experience has no appeal
and doesn’t really matter.
When
you’ve become easy to replace with an uncaring mean chick almost 20 years
younger than you.
When
a pretty mean chick who laughs in your face when you lose is the one he
chooses.
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