Dreaming of my dead dog (my fault)...

Hard to believe that my favorite dog ever, Sockeye, died approximately 10 years ago, because it certainly doesn't feel like that long ago, and maybe I'm wrong or my mind is somewhat screwed up, and my mind is terrible with timing, but...

I tried to look up (on facebook) when Sockeye had died, but my fb Life Events seem to have been erased (see my blog post below this one for more thoughts on that...), which made me feel tempted to leave the fb platform (because if they're trying to erase individual's life events, then what else will they try to erase?...) etc...

But I did see an old photo of mine, which gave me the impression that Sockeye had died about 10 years ago, which is hard to believe, but...

The reason I was trying to remember the timing of his death was because Sockeye unexpectedly appeared in one of my dreams Sunday.

In the dream, Sockeye was in a small cage, in a bedroom, in the dark, and I felt guilty that he was in the cage, but unsure if I was the one who had (somehow inadvertently) caged him. (I did not choose to regularly place him in small cages in my real life. The only time he was caged was when he was a puppy and we temporarily kept him in a decent sized cage in the bedroom when we went to bed and when I/he was in someone else's house who wanted/needed him caged).

So in this dream, I wasn't sure if I was in my own bedroom or someone else's bedroom. I felt confused. Because if it was my own bedroom, then why would my own adult dog be in a cage? Because dogs in cages seem kind of like hell to me. Because if you don't want a dog (or cat or other pet) around you, then just don't get a dog. Because adults caging other adults seems like a horrific control freak horror fest.

Dreams don't always make logical sense (although neither do many parts of so-called reality these days), so I figured the disconcerting cage was in my bedroom (for whatever illogical reasons), since Sockeye was there. Maybe my bedroom had somehow changed. But my uncertain feelings about the situation caused me to feel overly anxious, bordering on panicky.

I removed Sockeye from the cage and realized he needed to go outside. I thought I had taken him outside. But then suddenly I was inside another somewhat unfamiliar small room in front of my computer and his leash was hanging out of the door, but he wasn't attached to his leash and it was my fault. I thought I had put his leash on him, a leash with a long cord, and affixed the cord to the door so he couldn't go terribly far, but either I had forgotten to attach the cord to the leash or something unexpected had happened, and I was either lazy or overly confused or ridiculously discombobulated or SOMETHING, for not going outside with my dog.

And now he was disconnected from his leash or cord or me. And as soon as I noticed the disconnection, I hurried outside to try to find him before it was too late.

And there was snow on the ground and the atmosphere/air/sky seemed to be quickly changing from light to dark.

There was a growling sound in the distance and I wasn't sure if it was Sockeye growling at another creature or another creature growling at Sockeye or if my mind was making it up. But as far as I can recall, in real life, Sockeye didn't growl. But maybe I don't recall correctly. But what is correct? 

The dream's outdoor location resembled my parent's long back yard, and it's not too uncommon for them to see deer there, so maybe Sockeye had unexpectedly encountered a deer, but I don't think deer growl (but maybe I'm wrong), but nor did my Boston Terrier (but maybe I'm wrong), and I didn't know what I should do, other than walk toward the growling sound and call his name, because then if he heard me, maybe he'd leave a potential attack scene. I didn't want anyone to be attacked, injured, or killed just because they ended up in the wrong space at the wrong time (and especially if I was the one who had accidentally gotten them into that space).

When I first stepped outside in this dream, to see if I could see him, I started walking though snow, calling his name, but the horizon seemed to shift very quickly. My initial reaction was that maybe when I had stepped outside to try to find him was right when the horizon was shifting from light to dark. But then I thought, the horizon doesn't shift from light to dark THAT fast. So I'm either suddenly losing my vision or I'm about to have a seizure in the snow or both.

I'll wake up in the snow and my dog will be lost forever.

And it will be my fault.

And I won't be able to see.

And I will be freezing.

I woke up from the dream but then a few past memories were in my head and one of them was my fault.

GUILT

Slight guilt for not putting anything up related to #MeToo. I told myself it was because I don't like jumping aboard a group bandwagon, which is largely true about me and a lot of things - but which may not be quite as relevant when it comes to things that are emotionally challenging to share and so if a lot of people share their experiences, then that might encourage others to reveal their own emotionally challenging experiences.

Guilt because even though I consider myself a fairly strong, genuine, and openly expressive person for the most part, I have been too weak to share an emotionally unsettling experience I had a few years ago.

Guilt because one of the main reasons I haven't shared it is because every time I think about it, the guilty part of my brain tries to convince myself that it was probably my fault.

My fault for trusting too easily. My fault for being too vulnerable, because I don't want to believe how many people are fake or manipulative or users or aiming for whatever the fuck they are aiming for, however they can get it.

My fault for believing that a man who acts like he wants to hang out with me and talk about poetry really does just want to hang out with me and talk about poetry. My fault for letting him into my home to continue our poetry conversation. My fault for choosing to trust a man I barely know, getting all excited and talkative about poetry, drinking and giggling and then somehow accidentally giving the wrong impression, and then ending up with a man crushed on top of me.

I used to like the part of myself that was honest, openly expressive, and trustworthy that others were honestly expressive too - but in recent years, I feel like me being me has led to quite a few unintentional and semi-embarrassing mistakes.

I feel like a lot of friendship is fake, and so I was excited about the prospect of connecting with a new, seemingly genuine poet friend in my general area, but ultimately it ended up further crippling my trust of others, as well as my own self-worth, as well as my trust of getting the right impression from anyone or giving the right impression to anyone.

Often, I feel like I have no idea what anyone genuinely thinks about me.

Often, if someone compliments me or says something positive about me, I don't even know if it's true, if that's how they really feel, or why they're saying it.

Often, I feel like I don't even know what friendship MEANS to most people.

Often these days, I feel like it would take me less than one hand's set of fingers to count the number of friends I have that feel real, genuine, and authentic.

Maybe it's partly because I'm tired of accidentally trusting the wrong people and then having my trust nailed into silly smithereens.

Other people misinterpret me, but also I seem to misinterpret others, or not know how to interpret things when they first happen or not know how I should react.

I want to be an open minded and trustworthy individual, but maybe I have no idea who to truly trust, or else why would certain things have happened.