On the icky/scary side -
Terrible, terrible PMS while in bed the night before last; lying there for a long time crying and feeling really sad.
Then all of the sudden I felt paralyzed.
I usually lie straight on my back in bed, but during my crying spell I had switched to lying on my side and lifted my legs up, almost as if in a hugging myself position. Maybe I had suddenly fallen asleep - but all of the sudden, I couldn't move, couldn't see, couldn't open my eyes, and felt paralyzed and scared (in part because I couldn’t open my eyes and felt paralyzed in bed, after having my stroke – you can read a little more about that here: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2807396/poststroke_survival_and_sad_little.html?cat=70).
It was almost as if I couldn't make myself awaken from a bad dream – but usually, I can easily wake myself up from dreams – and also there was no dream IMAGERY. I just felt strangely blinded, paralyzed and trapped.
I finally managed to make myself wake up and shifted my position and kept my eyes open for a while (despite feeling very tired) because I felt scared that what if I was on the brink of having another stroke or a seizer or something (here’s my recent blog post about a very recent possible seizure I had, for which I was prescribed a special pill - http://doppelgangrene.blogspot.com/2011/08/seizure-horror-fest.html).
For the most part I am anti-pill, anti-psyche drug that is (unless someone really needs one for serious depression issues or the like; but I often think therapists and psychiatrists are too quick to prescribe pills and people are too quick to start taking them). Granted, the pill I was prescribed was not depression related; it was seizure related; BUT they are not even sure I had a seizure – and I definitely worry about pill’s side effects, especially if they might change my personality, dampen my energy, reduce my sex drive or make me less caring and/or less passionate.
Due to my anti-pill tendencies, I have not been researching my new pill (because then if I read about any negative side effects, I think I might just stop taking it or at least feel rather depressed). Instead, my mom has been conducting some research for me; she's read both some positives and some negatives; but overall, not very much negative about this pill. Also, aside from seeming to have even more irregular sleep patterns than usual lately (and having a hard time falling asleep, no matter how extremely tired I feel), it has not seemed to change my personality at all, at least not at this point in time.
But when I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday morning (crying about how nobody likes me very much and I’m hardly reading & writing anymore & I’m incredibly, ridiculously slow at things and more and now this weird dream state), she said she had read comments from several people with PMS issues that this pill made their PMS even worse.
So it might just be a fluke; it might not be - but I have felt awfully sad and upset and disappointed the last few days. I don’t feel like the pill has led to any emotional/mental/physical changes until possibly now – until this even more extreme than usual PMS festival of awful sadness. These sad questioning feelings of ‘What the heck am I DOING?’
On the yummy/good side -
One thing that very much lifted my spirits last night was when I got home from running some errands and then opened my front door to take Sockeye out for a walk and there was a bright violet vase brimming with a beautiful assortment of purple flowers awaiting me upon my front porch.
I had no idea who they were from until I looked at the little card affixed to the gorgeous arrangement and found out they were an unexpected gift from my delightful PoetJoe.
What a perfect day to receive such a beautiful offering from such a scrumptiously beautiful man.
I couldn’t help but wonder if Joe might be psychic, because I had not talked to him in a few days, so he was not aware of my PMS issues, but the card accompanying the flowers said, "Wish I Was There. Feel Good".
Today I put on shorts that remind me of UPS driver shorts (and Joe) and COOKIES knee highs which remind me of my friend Margaret (who gave me a Sock Dreams gift card from which I bought these fun socks) and even though I still have PMS, it makes me feel much better to think about two delicious poet people who really like me and vice versa.
New sock and flower photos coming semi-soon.
P.S. Speaking of Margaret, her haunted treasure trove of poetry is available in the Blood Pudding Press etsy shop here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/80739335/new-letters-from-room-27-of-the-grand
Plus a Halloween Darkly Delicious Combo Pack here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/81271959/halloween-darkly-delicious-combo-pack?ref=v1_other_1
Plus a variety of other odd Halloween-y goodies here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/BloodPuddingPress?section_id=10388961