1. A few thoughts/feelings a little earlier today:
I think my most recent poetry has become somewhat flatter and doesn't have as much resonant, powerful feeling as it used to.
I think that's because I also don't have as much resonant, powerful feeling as I used to.
I had to tone down some of my own strong feelings, lest I became a continuous panic attack mishap.
(Mind you, this did not involve pysch. drugs; I am pretty anti psych. drugs; but my brain managed to somehow tone down/turn off itself.)
2. A few thoughts/feelings less than half an hour later:
I think the above is untrue, because almost as soon as I started thinking more about it, I then started crying. Is there something wrong with me? My feelings are so frequently mixed mixed mixed and discombobulated.
I think one reason I try not to think about things too much anymore is because then I get really nervous about almost everything.
I'm nervous about my new up-coming house (why? it's not like I've never lived by myself before. It's not like it's in a dangerous area. Why my uncomfortable nervous spurts about something good?). Maybe it's partly because I have frequent mixed feelings about whether I want to be by myself or not. I do, I don't, I do, I don't.
I'm nervous about being by myself; I'm nervous about seriously commiting to anyone.
I'm nervous that my poetry is not as good as it used to be - and what if I lose my passion for the primary entity I've been incredibly passionate about for countless years.
The last three words of my newest poem are "on, off, on".
I'm nervous that I have no clue what to do job-wise anymore (what I can do OR what I want to do).
I'm nervous that everyone might get tired of me; less & less interested.
On, off, on.
I'm over the top then under.
Over the top then downhill.
I worry that maybe love always dies or wishes you dead.
These thoughts made me start crying, so I guess my worry that I do not have strong feelings anymore is wrong.
Maybe I just emotionally/mentally tone them down so I don't get incredibly nervous and start crying all the time.
I do still have feelings and emotions. They're just rather nerve wracking if I concentrate on them too hard.
I'm nervous about my terrible sense of direction.
I'm nervous about being a 38 year old who feels like I am starting over in a way, but does not know how to.
How should I turn my nervousness into art?
Mixed feelings are not mixed bags; how should I open them?
Mixed feelings are not mixed drinks; how should I swallow them?
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Sending you love and care and friend/poetic/zombie/artsy/absurd interest from across state lines, my dear!
ReplyDeleteKevin and I should come grab you from Ohio some time soon.
Thank you Marg!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes!
Sometimes I think you missed your calling; maybe you should be writing memoir instead. Well, not instead, because I'd miss your poetry. But maybe in addition to.
ReplyDeleteI read part of Horrific Confection to my son the other day. He's only a few months old, but he seemed to enjoy it.
Haha, that is really cool Kyle, thank you.
ReplyDeleteI'm saving all my recent non-poetry writings and perhaps I WILL end up creating some sort of memoir-ish book.
But still my poetry too, very much so.
Still working on my second full-length; hoping to submit it to a few more sources very soon.
I too feel like I'm having to start over in so many ways--and I feel like I'm "too old" to have to be doing it! I thought things were supposed to be more settled by now! Things are less sure than they have ever been! I am less than I thought I'd be or wanted to be. I understand your frustration... unfortunately, I have no answers... just understanding...
ReplyDeleteThank you Ragdoll.
ReplyDeleteYou are not old.
I would say more, but am having a tired and lonely spell.