1. A few thoughts/feelings a little earlier today:
I think my most recent poetry has become somewhat flatter and doesn't have as much resonant, powerful feeling as it used to.
I think that's because I also don't have as much resonant, powerful feeling as I used to.
I had to tone down some of my own strong feelings, lest I became a continuous panic attack mishap.
(Mind you, this did not involve pysch. drugs; I am pretty anti psych. drugs; but my brain managed to somehow tone down/turn off itself.)
2. A few thoughts/feelings less than half an hour later:
I think the above is untrue, because almost as soon as I started thinking more about it, I then started crying. Is there something wrong with me? My feelings are so frequently mixed mixed mixed and discombobulated.
I think one reason I try not to think about things too much anymore is because then I get really nervous about almost everything.
I'm nervous about my new up-coming house (why? it's not like I've never lived by myself before. It's not like it's in a dangerous area. Why my uncomfortable nervous spurts about something good?). Maybe it's partly because I have frequent mixed feelings about whether I want to be by myself or not. I do, I don't, I do, I don't.
I'm nervous about being by myself; I'm nervous about seriously commiting to anyone.
I'm nervous that my poetry is not as good as it used to be - and what if I lose my passion for the primary entity I've been incredibly passionate about for countless years.
The last three words of my newest poem are "on, off, on".
I'm nervous that I have no clue what to do job-wise anymore (what I can do OR what I want to do).
I'm nervous that everyone might get tired of me; less & less interested.
On, off, on.
I'm over the top then under.
Over the top then downhill.
I worry that maybe love always dies or wishes you dead.
These thoughts made me start crying, so I guess my worry that I do not have strong feelings anymore is wrong.
Maybe I just emotionally/mentally tone them down so I don't get incredibly nervous and start crying all the time.
I do still have feelings and emotions. They're just rather nerve wracking if I concentrate on them too hard.
I'm nervous about my terrible sense of direction.
I'm nervous about being a 38 year old who feels like I am starting over in a way, but does not know how to.
How should I turn my nervousness into art?
Mixed feelings are not mixed bags; how should I open them?
Mixed feelings are not mixed drinks; how should I swallow them?