5/16/11

More Mixed Feelings, Confusion, & Nervousness Galore

1. A few thoughts/feelings a little earlier today:

I think my most recent poetry has become somewhat flatter and doesn't have as much resonant, powerful feeling as it used to.

I think that's because I also don't have as much resonant, powerful feeling as I used to.

I had to tone down some of my own strong feelings, lest I became a continuous panic attack mishap.

(Mind you, this did not involve pysch. drugs; I am pretty anti psych. drugs; but my brain managed to somehow tone down/turn off itself.)

2. A few thoughts/feelings less than half an hour later:

I think the above is untrue, because almost as soon as I started thinking more about it, I then started crying. Is there something wrong with me? My feelings are so frequently mixed mixed mixed and discombobulated.

I think one reason I try not to think about things too much anymore is because then I get really nervous about almost everything.

I'm nervous about my new up-coming house (why? it's not like I've never lived by myself before. It's not like it's in a dangerous area. Why my uncomfortable nervous spurts about something good?). Maybe it's partly because I have frequent mixed feelings about whether I want to be by myself or not. I do, I don't, I do, I don't.

I'm nervous about being by myself; I'm nervous about seriously commiting to anyone.

I'm nervous that my poetry is not as good as it used to be - and what if I lose my passion for the primary entity I've been incredibly passionate about for countless years.

The last three words of my newest poem are "on, off, on".

I'm nervous that I have no clue what to do job-wise anymore (what I can do OR what I want to do).

I'm nervous that everyone might get tired of me; less & less interested.

On, off, on.

I'm over the top then under.

Over the top then downhill.

I worry that maybe love always dies or wishes you dead.

These thoughts made me start crying, so I guess my worry that I do not have strong feelings anymore is wrong.

Maybe I just emotionally/mentally tone them down so I don't get incredibly nervous and start crying all the time.

I do still have feelings and emotions. They're just rather nerve wracking if I concentrate on them too hard.

I'm nervous about my terrible sense of direction.

I'm nervous about being a 38 year old who feels like I am starting over in a way, but does not know how to.

How should I turn my nervousness into art?

Mixed feelings are not mixed bags; how should I open them?

Mixed feelings are not mixed drinks; how should I swallow them?