a dream in which food is way more interesting than me

Didn't sleep well last night. Had a small series of oddly bothersome little dreams involving me and poetry and people I'm involved with.

In one dream, my sister, who has only ever been to one of my poetry readings, told me that all of my poetry was like the same poem on repeat, like boring hospital food or like repeatedly watching some class on feminine hygiene products.

In another dream, I was sitting in an airport or mall restaurant with two people who had chosen to visit me there a little bit before I had to head to work. I had about 15 minutes, so I figured we were just going to sit there and talk, but instead they both bought big fancy sandwiches and started eating them in front of me, even though I didn't have time to eat anything. I got upset that in the limited amount of time we had together, they were both more focused on eating than on listening to me, I said something about that, the man acted like it was no big deal, and said his daughter was always hungry. I told him that he had a sandwich too, it was right in front of my face, and I might as well just leave and go to work. He casually said okay. Then I got in front of the woman's face, called her a hog, and left.

So I guess my dreams were insinuating that in some people's minds hospital food is more interesting than my poetry and me - sandwiches are more interesting than anything I have to say - and I might as well just shove feminine hygiene products into my mouth and spit them out on repeat.

Oh and if I get upset at a man for acting thoughtless and careless, then I'll call another woman a hog. 🐷

So what if I’m overreacting again? Maybe I'm a repetitive mess.

I’m not quite sure why my mind is overreacting to this matter today; it’s probably because my mind is choosing to  focus on something small that’s bothering me/hurting my feelings, rather than focusing on the larger things that are bothering me but that I can’t do anything about.

 

So here’s the small thing that’s currently bothering me and causing me to feel like crying. How come nobody likes the way I smell?  I feel like for years I’ve been into unique delightful oddly delicious scents of perfumes and body moisturizers and I feel like I used to get quite a few scent-related compliments, but now I seem to get the opposite of compliments, mostly from my mom.  In recent months, several times my mom has told me that my perfume doesn’t smell good and it reminds her of Avon perfume (which would be the total opposite of what I want to smell like, since Avon strikes me as generic, un-unique and old lady like). 

The other day in the hospital, my aunt who was sitting next to me made a comment about smelling something and my mom said that it was my perfume and that she didn’t like it.  I wouldn’t really care what my mom thought of my scent if anyone DID seem to like it, but I’m starting to feel as if something might be wrong with my sense of smell and/or I have unusual taste with my smell sensors (not that there’s anything wrong with unusual), because the last time I remember anyone complimenting the way I smelled was more than 8 months ago when I was in some coffee shop in Pittsburgh and the gay guy working behind the counter wanted to know what kind of scent I was wearing because he liked it.  So I guess I appeal to nobody, scent-wise, except for a young gay guy in a different state. 

The main perfume I’m been wearing for about a year now is called Annabel Lee and it’s a handmade artisan oil with primary scents of fern, jasmine, orris, and sandalwood.  I understand that kind of scent is not going to appeal to everyone/not going to be everyone’s style, but it’s MY style right now, and how could it possibly smell like Avon?  If some guy had told me that I smelled like Avon, I would have felt like punching him and I might have just walked out of the room.  Obviously I’m not going to punch my mom and walk away from her, but I really hope I don’t hear from her about my perfume again in the next few days.

The body butter I’ve been wearing recently is called Scintillating and includes champagne bubbles, ginger, cardamom, and amber.  Does that sound like Avon?  Not to me it doesn’t.  Maybe I just have a different sense of smell and different style than anyone around me.  

Or maybe I’m nobody’s style – the way I look, the way I talk, the way I under dress or overdress, AND the way I smell. But if I’m nobody else’s style, then I might as well at least keep being my own style and personally liking the way I smell, so I’m not going to quit wearing the scents I like until I get tired of them and switch to something else different.  (But I will admit it still hurts my feelings a little if nobody else likes my style though.  One side of my brain is like, “Oh yeah?  Well fuck you!” The other side of my brain is brimming with hurt feelings and should just live in a closet by itself and sob.)