In Progress Poetry Manuscripts - dolls, dreams, nightmares, seizures, bodies, death, robots...

I am in the process of being overwhelmed by my own poems. Well not exactly the poems themselves, but organizing them/assembling them into collections (specifically chapbook manuscripts). I guess I've been writing more than I thought I was in the last few years and I guess I've somewhat drifted out of a sort of routine I had of tending to assemble new poems into chapbook manuscripts fairly quickly on an ongoing basis.

I haven't had a new chapbook published in over a year AND I haven't submitted a chapbook manuscript anywhere yet this year. For a while now, I've been working on and off on a small series of interconnected poems that I was thinking I might assemble into a chapbook manuscript and I finally made some significant progress on that this week. I also have a micro-chapbook manuscript that I assembled and submitted to one press over a year ago (from which it was rejected) and that I had been meaning to re-read/revise/add more poems to and so on. So I guess I have two different chapbook manuscripts in progress to an extent, but I've been focusing more on writing individual poems than organizing/assembling manuscripts.

So this past week, in addition to trying to focus on somewhat organizing those two possible chapbook manuscripts in progress, I've also been trying to re-read and somewhat organize all these other new-ish poems of mine, in order to decide which ones to possibly incorporate into which manuscript in progress and now I'm starting to think I'm going to have to create AT LEAST 3 (quite possibly more) different chapbook manuscripts. Regarding the two chapbook manuscripts in progress, half the stuff I'm reading doesn't really seem to fit into either one. One of those manuscripts is focused on women's bodies and I want it to stay short, interconnected, and pretty specifically thematic. The other one is focused on feeling invisible, unnamable, unimportant and out of place, and that one doesn't have to be quite AS thematically linked, it has SOME flexibility, but overall, I do like my chapbook manuscripts to be short, interconnected, and thematically linked to a significant extent. Not just a bunch of different poems semi-randomly placed in a chapbook length manuscript.

So some of my poems I'm reading might be able to fit into one of the current manuscripts-in-progress, but then I also have all these doll poems - dream/nightmare poems - seizure poems - death poems - and anti-AI poems. Some of these themes somewhat interconnect in certain ways and to certain extents, but not to the extent of fusing them all into two chapbooks. Again, I like my chapbook manuscripts to be short-ish, interconnected, and thematically linked in one way or another, so I'm thinking I need to assemble at least 3 (maybe more).

Anyway, I am just taking a break from reading/writing notes on my own poems to ramble a bit about my current overwhelmed feelings about assembling the poems into various interconnected entities. Mind you, I've been working on this quite a bit this past week, and some progress has been made, but it feels like it's taking forever. I feel like I should have made more progress by now. But at least I made a little bit of progress and I'll keep working on it.

To reiterate, the shorter version of this is dolls, bodies, brains, dreams, nightmares, seizures, death, invisibility, and being overwhelmed, which is way better than being replaced by robots.

Dreaming of my dead dog (my fault)...

Hard to believe that my favorite dog ever, Sockeye, died approximately 10 years ago, because it certainly doesn't feel like that long ago, and maybe I'm wrong or my mind is somewhat screwed up, and my mind is terrible with timing, but...

I tried to look up (on facebook) when Sockeye had died, but my fb Life Events seem to have been erased (see my blog post below this one for more thoughts on that...), which made me feel tempted to leave the fb platform (because if they're trying to erase individual's life events, then what else will they try to erase?...) etc...

But I did see an old photo of mine, which gave me the impression that Sockeye had died about 10 years ago, which is hard to believe, but...

The reason I was trying to remember the timing of his death was because Sockeye unexpectedly appeared in one of my dreams Sunday.

In the dream, Sockeye was in a small cage, in a bedroom, in the dark, and I felt guilty that he was in the cage, but unsure if I was the one who had (somehow inadvertently) caged him. (I did not choose to regularly place him in small cages in my real life. The only time he was caged was when he was a puppy and we temporarily kept him in a decent sized cage in the bedroom when we went to bed and when I/he was in someone else's house who wanted/needed him caged).

So in this dream, I wasn't sure if I was in my own bedroom or someone else's bedroom. I felt confused. Because if it was my own bedroom, then why would my own adult dog be in a cage? Because dogs in cages seem kind of like hell to me. Because if you don't want a dog (or cat or other pet) around you, then just don't get a dog. Because adults caging other adults seems like a horrific control freak horror fest.

Dreams don't always make logical sense (although neither do many parts of so-called reality these days), so I figured the disconcerting cage was in my bedroom (for whatever illogical reasons), since Sockeye was there. Maybe my bedroom had somehow changed. But my uncertain feelings about the situation caused me to feel overly anxious, bordering on panicky.

I removed Sockeye from the cage and realized he needed to go outside. I thought I had taken him outside. But then suddenly I was inside another somewhat unfamiliar small room in front of my computer and his leash was hanging out of the door, but he wasn't attached to his leash and it was my fault. I thought I had put his leash on him, a leash with a long cord, and affixed the cord to the door so he couldn't go terribly far, but either I had forgotten to attach the cord to the leash or something unexpected had happened, and I was either lazy or overly confused or ridiculously discombobulated or SOMETHING, for not going outside with my dog.

And now he was disconnected from his leash or cord or me. And as soon as I noticed the disconnection, I hurried outside to try to find him before it was too late.

And there was snow on the ground and the atmosphere/air/sky seemed to be quickly changing from light to dark.

There was a growling sound in the distance and I wasn't sure if it was Sockeye growling at another creature or another creature growling at Sockeye or if my mind was making it up. But as far as I can recall, in real life, Sockeye didn't growl. But maybe I don't recall correctly. But what is correct? 

The dream's outdoor location resembled my parent's long back yard, and it's not too uncommon for them to see deer there, so maybe Sockeye had unexpectedly encountered a deer, but I don't think deer growl (but maybe I'm wrong), but nor did my Boston Terrier (but maybe I'm wrong), and I didn't know what I should do, other than walk toward the growling sound and call his name, because then if he heard me, maybe he'd leave a potential attack scene. I didn't want anyone to be attacked, injured, or killed just because they ended up in the wrong space at the wrong time (and especially if I was the one who had accidentally gotten them into that space).

When I first stepped outside in this dream, to see if I could see him, I started walking though snow, calling his name, but the horizon seemed to shift very quickly. My initial reaction was that maybe when I had stepped outside to try to find him was right when the horizon was shifting from light to dark. But then I thought, the horizon doesn't shift from light to dark THAT fast. So I'm either suddenly losing my vision or I'm about to have a seizure in the snow or both.

I'll wake up in the snow and my dog will be lost forever.

And it will be my fault.

And I won't be able to see.

And I will be freezing.

I woke up from the dream but then a few past memories were in my head and one of them was my fault.

Stressed, Uncomfortable, Nervous...

I don't want advice about this stuff or for anyone to tell me what to do (I feel like I've had enough of that lately and it stresses me out), although I don't mind comments. I'm not looking for any one to feel sorry for me either. I'm just putting this out here because it happened Wednesday evening and I feel like expressing it to an extent.

As some people know (and some people don't), I have occasional seizures, as a side effect of another health issue I had about 15 years ago. Hard to believe my stroke happened that long ago now, but then again, not really, because time flies faster and faster.

I'm not going to get into an elaborate amount of detail abut my seizures and related factors, but I will say I can usually tell less than a minute before one is about to happen, so I can at least sit down on the floor.

But then afterwards, I don't know exactly what happened (I mean I know I had a seizure but I don't remember the part right after that involves getting up off the floor, walking into a different room and so on). This time I think I was even more confused than the last few times. I was confused about what time it was and how long ago the seizure happened (although that's usually the case). I had trouble finding my phone (it was just on my bed which is where I often keep it). I had trouble figuring out how to use my phone, how to find the contact info on my phone, what to press to make a phone call (later I saw that I had sent Darryl two little random emojis on facebook messaging which might have been me trying to use my phone but being confused). So I felt more confused (and for a longer time) than I usually do after a seizure. I feel like it took me at least 20 minutes to figure out how to use the phone.

I had been upset, stressed and sad on Tuesday. I then felt somewhat better on Wednesday, but still sad. Even though I've been in menopause for about a year or two now, it felt somewhat similar to a variation on PMS, which I haven't had in quite a while.

Then shortly before the damned seizure happened, it suddenly got substantially worse. I started to feel guilty about my FB Wall Posts/personal blog post from Tuesday, my heart started racing a bit, I felt very unnaturally negative and off-filter and as if I was on the brink of a panic attack. I couldn't make it go away and it was getting worse. It was very uncomfortable (mentally more so than physically). I thought about lying down because I didn't know what else to do. First I was going to pee, but then while on the toilet, the sensation I have right before a seizure came over me. I quickly wiped, flushed, moved into my computer room, sat down where I usually sit down there and had the very uncomfortable out-of-control sensation as if my neck is suddenly twisting itself to one side (the right side) and in my mind, I'm randomly sitting on my computer chair (even though I'm actually sitting on the floor) and seeing some random cartoon-ish images. I remember seeing a cartoon chicken.

Next thing I know, I'm in my bedroom, looking for my phone, and after finding it, having trouble figuring out anything about it for quiet a while. I was confused with words, which happens for a while after one of my seizures. I finally managed to call my mom about a minute before midnight (I know she stays up late). But then after we got off the phone, I ended up calling her back again, because I then felt a sore lump on the right back of my head, saw two red marks on the left side of my neck (probably/hopefully just scratches?), and saw that I had bit the inside bottom of my lip. I am not sure how any of those things happened, especially the lump on the back of my head, because last I knew, I was sitting on the floor. Maybe I somehow bumped my head into a door or a wall after I got up. The lump on the back of my head and the scratches on the left side of my neck make me uncomfortable and nervous since I'm not sure exactly what caused them. It sucks not knowing how something happened. It causes me to think a bit about my damned stroke.

The seizure itself also makes me feel uncomfortable and nervous because it's only been a tiny bit more than a month since the last one I had. The last one was October 7, three days after I got my latest Covid vaccine. Normally I don't have seizures anymore near that close together. For a while, I was only having one or two a year. Not one in October and another one in November. Maybe this has something to do with the latest Covid vaccine, because I remember feeling low energy, down and oddly out of it for several days after I got that (more mentally out of it than physically out of it, which I'd not experienced to that extent after one of my previous vaccines). I'm repeating myself again here, but it's bothersome because I don't think I've ever had only about a month before the last seizure. I certainly don't want my seizures to start getting worse or more frequent.

I suppose it could have something to do with hormones or stress. Despite trying not to mentally overreact too much about the election, (not that I'm ignoring it, but I didn't want to escalate my stress into some sort of toxicity) perhaps the disturbing fact that Trump won kicked in more about a week later, plus which some stressful seizure pill oriented paperwork I've been trying to deal with that has to do with health insurance suddenly telling me I might not be eligible for the pills I've been taking for years being largely covered by insurance, so I might have to switch to different generics and deal with different side effects and that's very upsetting to me, because I remember what some of my previous pills side effects were like.

Anyway, apparently it's just been one of those bothersome weeks and hopefully I feel better tomorrow. And hopefully everyone else who is overly stressed out or upset feels better too (but without ignoring real issues).

NEW! Three of my Internal Suffocation Poems in Misfit Magazine!

"Here's my small fucked up contribution
to the world. Speech stilted,
memory desiccated. Me
exaggerating everything.

My lingering outbursts
turn into violent mosh pits
inside my own mind.
Then I fall down into oblivion.

Then I get back up again..."

Delighted to have three of my Internal Suffocation poems making an appearance in the NEW Fall 2022 Issue of Misfit! (Looking forward to reading all the other poetry in this issue too!)

A link to my poems - http://misfitmagazine.net/archive/No-35/cook.html

A link to the whole issue - http://misfitmagazine.net/current.html

New! Three new poems of mine are appearing in the Terror House ("Death Will Always Exist," "Field Dressing Fantasy," and "Body Captivity")

"...You’re horrified by the idea of not existing
and that nobody will remember you very well.

You won’t be able to remember yourself
or think for yourself or speak for yourself
and that’s your current interpretation of Hell.
Whenever you have one of your unexpected seizures,
you then spend weeks feeling negative and afraid
of unexpected death. You don’t feel ready to not exist yet."

Three new poems of mine are in the Terror House today - "Death Will Always Exist," "Field Dressing Fantasy," and "Body Captivity". You can read more HERE - https://terrorhousemag.com/exist/