ART MODE VERSUS MODEL MODE

When I get into one of my modes of too much focus on my looks and discomfort with the physical aging process, I should focus more on unique ART being hotter than bodies. Not that body types aren't appealing in their own way, but why should I care about some standard model flow? I should care much more about warped ART flow, like the creations of Louise Bourgeois, whose art based visual creations are oddly powerful in their own unique way - and who was still creating new strong, powerful art when she was in her 80s. Based on that, I'm only halfway there and need to stop focusing on my middle-aged, looks-based bullshit. Instead of wishing I looked younger, I should be wishing I looked weirder, more misshapen, more multicolored, more wired into poetry land and visual ART. Screw the mainstream success sort of model hotness and its semi-clichéd standardized parameters.

Mid-Life Crisis Bad Dream?

It was me and him and another woman.  I didn’t know her very well and my mind and heart got really bad vibes from her (including the vibe that she’d fake it and lie to get what she wanted; personality traits that I pretty much despise), but what could I do?  I sure wouldn’t choose to hang out with her one on one, but he apparently liked hanging out with the both of us, and I really liked him (probably way too much), so I went along with it.

It reached a point at which I was supposed to guess the other woman’s age.  He & I were of similar ages (38/40), so I assumed she was too, but I’m not good at guessing age based on looks.  She looked young; she looked attractive; I figured she might be a little younger than him & me; maybe 35-ish; so I decided to guess a few years younger, just in case. I guessed 33.

She spurted out a playful sounding laugh and at first I thought it was based on her feeling delighted that I thought she looked younger than she actually was. I was wrong. 

I’m 23, she said in an annoyed voice.

Then I was annoyed at him for being so into a woman who was way more than ten years younger than both of us. Really!?!  I blurted out, in semi-disbelief. Next thing I knew they were both glaring at me.  A 38 year old man who I thought had felt very strongly about me personally – and a 23 year old woman I couldn’t relate to at all, but whom he also seemed to feel strongly about. I did not understand their connection and so I sort of freaked out, thinking he would try to work me out of my freak out and tell her to tone down her rude laughter.  “Should I just leave?” I asked.  “Do you want it to be you and the 23 year old?”  I was sure he’d say know and try to calm me down. Instead he looked at me with an unsmiling expression and glared out, ‘Yeah’.  A feeling of semi-devastated disbelief came over me then.

Me: Really?!?

Him: Yeah.

Me: Are you serious?!?

Him: YEAH!

Her: You heard him.  Get the hell out of here.

Rude, mean, gleeful smile.

 ***

Not a fun dream at all, since it involved real people and felt realistic - and even though the ending really surprised me, that surprise ending felt unfortunately realistic too.

When a relationship oriented ending surprises you.

When a man you thought felt truly strongly about you suddenly changes his mind - and then chooses to replace you with a woman way younger than either of you – a woman from whom you can clearly sense the vibe of fake chick who will say and do what she thinks he wants to hear, in order to take him away from you and he can’t sense her fakery.

When a bad dream combines age and relationship issues and causes you to make up feeling as if your looks and your personality and your life experience has no appeal and doesn’t really matter.

When you’ve become easy to replace with an uncaring mean chick almost 20 years younger than you.

When a pretty mean chick who laughs in your face when you lose is the one he chooses.