Awoke
last morning after ongoing odd dreams and even though I wasn’t sure exactly
how/why/if this derived from my dreams, I immediately felt the need to write
down a note about how I dislike and get really stressed out by some of my family
dynamics – not just my immediate family so much as extended family issues that
strike me as less love-based and more judgment based, along the lines of
telling other people what they should or shouldn’t do (and what they’re doing
wrong and how they need to do this or else…).
It’s probably because I’ve felt such impressions
throughout much of my life that I don’t usually like ANYONE (not even a good
friend) phrasing things to me as if this is what I need to do unless I want
something bad to happen. How does another individual know what I need to do? They
don’t live inside my brain, do they? So how can they be experts on what does live in there? Shouldn’t they focus on what they need to do? They can offer me their thoughts/feelings/opinions
(indeed I like that kind of in depth exchange), but I don’t think they should state their
point of view as though if I don’t follow it, something bad or unhealthy is bound to befall me.
*
The
dream recollections involve a seen in which I was driving with a group of family
members and suddenly I knew that my dog was about to jump out the window on the
other side. In the dream, my dog looked
like a white cat. I kept saying stop the
car, stop the car, stop the car, but nobody stopped. It wasn’t because they
were purposely ignoring me, but they couldn’t hear me. They could only hear themselves.
Until I screamed.
I
screamed, “WE NEED TO STOP!’, which finally got them to stop, but by then my dog had jumped out
the window. I told them where to drive
back to, but couldn’t remember exactly, and we couldn’t find him. He was
gone. I made myself wake up before I saw
him dead on the road.
*
I
often feel like I don’t matter much to anyone - and sometimes that makes it
hard hanging out with people who feel like/act like they matter a great deal. People
who even say things about themselves like, “I’m awesome”. I don’t relate to friends
thinking/acting like they’re awesome, popular, very attractive, and so many
people are attracted to them.
Aside
from poetry readings and planned events, I’m not a fan when people think a
space full of unknown other people (such as a restaurant or a bus ride) should
hear their loud conversation, like it or not. What if someone is trying to think their own
thoughts and you suddenly jump into the space and start forcing yours upon
them? I don’t think that’s particularly creatively enlightening or positive or
caring towards others; in fact I think it can be invasive and stress
inducing. At least it is for me.
Why should I want my brain forced to hear someone else’s conversation rather than being
able to focus on my own or hear/speak with the person I’m sitting next to, who
I’m having trouble hearing/concentrating on because I’m being loudly
intersected by someone else’s expression and I don’t want to
talk that loud or have a performance style conversation?
I
could be wrong; I’m no expert; but I don’t think being stressed to the point of
a bad headache by that sort of thing is a result of my brain’s negativity. I
think it’s more like that is not my style – and when surrounded by it in excess
for an extended time period, it stresses me out. I don’t want to scream to be heard.
But
then I have a dream where if I don’t scream, nobody can hear me.
*
“(I
was never a cheerleader in real life. I was
never popular in real life.
What
is real? Why am I sinking down under
these misshapen rafters?)”
from
my poem, “Vintage Pom Pom Underwater”, which you can read in its entirety here –
It’s
one of 11 poems I read this past Saturday, during a poetry reading at the East
End Book Exchange in Pittsburgh, PA. The weekend included time with very
creative friends (poetry reading time, interesting conversation time, and more),
bands, The Oakmont Bakery, and the Polish Hill Arts Festival.
Sometimes I get tired of looking (feeling) like a boring little witch in the background or behind the scene.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably more of a mental thing than a physical thing.
I mean it's not like I want to be in the foreground or front row of some sort of looks based thing. It's more like I want my expressions to stand out.
Or something.
You are a delight to read.
ReplyDelete