Been in bed for hours but can't sleep. Tired
but can't relax my body or brain. I feel like I'm on the brink of paranoid
induced tears because my body is all tingly like I'm on some drugs. Is this
some sort of panic attack - or are these brain tingles and body tingles some
sort of pre-seizure mode? My body feels tingly and weirdly tense, but it's not
like I was working out; I was lying down. After hours of feeling on the brink of panicking, I finally decided to get up and start typing - to make
sure I could move and do something - to try to avert the paranoia. I want this
tingling to go away. My neck is tingling, my stomach, my thighs and not in any
kind of fun sexual way that's for sure.
My arms and my
fingers slightly tingling but slightly numb. I can still type though right?
I'm saying some of
the words out loud to make sure I can still talk.
I had thought I was finally feeling more
mentally reasonable again after my most recent seizure several weeks ago but
now I am suddenly experiencing another random tingling paranoid unable to sleep
state for no apparent reason - not wanting to overreact or under-react - but
sick of laying there and tingling and consistently moving my hands/fingers to
make sure they can move - and consistently having weird random words and images
pop out my head. I'm sick of the pop pop popping when I haven't done drugs in
years (other than my seizure pill), yet I feel like I'm on some weird mix of
multiple drugs that my body/brain is overreacting to. What sense does that
make?
My tingling sensations are usually not in quite
as many different areas (it's usually just my lower left hand and fingers), so
perhaps the fact that this time it is more of my body plus my brain is popping
out all this stuff made me paranoid. Typing it out seems to be helping. I
didn't need to be laying there with my brain randomly popping out one random
word after another and then repeating two random words over and over and stuff
like that. Stuff like “Scooby
Dooby Doo where are you we’ve got some work to do now Scooby dooby doo where are
you we’ve got some work to do now Scooby dooby doo where are you we’ve got some
work to do now WTF?!?” I needed
to type other words instead of feeling like random words were randomly
controlling me in a random style alternating between too slow and too fast.
I was starting to feel paranoid that my
recent cold and its hacking cough had possibly caused me to hack my neck into
smithereens.
I had been lying there despite the tingling
and lack of falling asleep, with my eyes closed, just trying to relax my brain
and not think too much - finally I felt like i was falling asleep - but then
all of the sudden out of nowhere, my mind started singing
those parts of the Scooby Doo song over & over, for no apparent reason,
until I bolted into a sitting up position, feeling like I was on some drug and
tingling even more.
Yes the Scooby Doo song sounds funny now; but it's not so funny when my brain starts repeating some goofball thing over & over for no apparent reason, making me feel like i chugged a bunch of mushrooms or something.
Then I try to stop my brain from singing the Scooby Doo song, then my brain suddenly forgets the WORD Scooby Doo and starts spitting out The Muppets, The Smurfs, Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your long hair.
My mind spurting out random cartoonish thoughts and images and songs. Maybe i'm turning into extreme randomisty.
Yes the Scooby Doo song sounds funny now; but it's not so funny when my brain starts repeating some goofball thing over & over for no apparent reason, making me feel like i chugged a bunch of mushrooms or something.
Then I try to stop my brain from singing the Scooby Doo song, then my brain suddenly forgets the WORD Scooby Doo and starts spitting out The Muppets, The Smurfs, Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your long hair.
My mind spurting out random cartoonish thoughts and images and songs. Maybe i'm turning into extreme randomisty.
***
Finally
laid back down last night/this morning after 8:00 A.M – still didn’t fall
asleep right away, but was no longer freaking out. I woke up after 1:00 P.M. after
being in bed way too long (on & off,
due to getting up for close to an hour during the freak out), but still getting
less than 5 hours of sleep. I woke up crying and feeling like as far as real
live conversation in my life recently, nobody wants to listen; they just want
to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do – or since they know I don’t like hearing
that, they just don’t want to talk to me at all.
In
terms of one on one non-online conversation. I can’t remember the last time I
talked on the phone to anyone other than my mom (and a few texts). Well I can REMEMBER some conversations but
they weren’t very recent. This doesn’t mean I want someone to call me right
now. I’m just saying what was going through my head.
I
know it’s my ex-husbands birthday today; I thought about calling him to say
happy birthday; but why should I? I can’t
remember the last time we talked. I don’t
even know where he lives. For all I
know, his phone number might have changed or his whole life and I could be the
last thing he’d like to be reminded of.
Last night’s brain spurts included random thoughts of the men I’ve been
involved with in recent years and how none of them even talk to me anymore, so
why should I think about talking to them or think about them period? At least I guess that makes more sense than
randomly thinking about Scooby Doo.
Maybe
it has something to do with receiving an unexpected ‘I love you’ yesterday.
Thanks for not really caring all that much when I felt really strongly about us
and suddenly loving me now that it’s too late for that– because I’m never again
going to deeply love someone who doesn’t love me more than drinking every
single day.
I
guess I’m usually too fast or too slow - or too in between, but rarely the
right sort of in between.
Too
fast or slow ACTING; too in-between FEELING.
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