3/12/13

This post isn’t poetry, it’s partially derived from an overly personal panic attack, if you don’t want to hear about that sort of stuff then don’t read it


Been in bed for hours but can't sleep. Tired but can't relax my body or brain. I feel like I'm on the brink of paranoid induced tears because my body is all tingly like I'm on some drugs. Is this some sort of panic attack - or are these brain tingles and body tingles some sort of pre-seizure mode? My body feels tingly and weirdly tense, but it's not like I was working out; I was lying down. After hours of feeling on the brink of panicking, I finally decided to get up and start typing - to make sure I could move and do something - to try to avert the paranoia. I want this tingling to go away. My neck is tingling, my stomach, my thighs and not in any kind of fun sexual way that's for sure.

My arms and my fingers slightly tingling but slightly numb. I can still type though right?

I'm saying some of the words out loud to make sure I can still talk.

I had thought I was finally feeling more mentally reasonable again after my most recent seizure several weeks ago but now I am suddenly experiencing another random tingling paranoid unable to sleep state for no apparent reason - not wanting to overreact or under-react - but sick of laying there and tingling and consistently moving my hands/fingers to make sure they can move - and consistently having weird random words and images pop out my head. I'm sick of the pop pop popping when I haven't done drugs in years (other than my seizure pill), yet I feel like I'm on some weird mix of multiple drugs that my body/brain is overreacting to. What sense does that make?

My tingling sensations are usually not in quite as many different areas (it's usually just my lower left hand and fingers), so perhaps the fact that this time it is more of my body plus my brain is popping out all this stuff made me paranoid. Typing it out seems to be helping. I didn't need to be laying there with my brain randomly popping out one random word after another and then repeating two random words over and over and stuff like that. Stuff like “Scooby Dooby Doo where are you we’ve got some work to do now Scooby dooby doo where are you we’ve got some work to do now Scooby dooby doo where are you we’ve got some work to do now WTF?!?” I needed to type other words instead of feeling like random words were randomly controlling me in a random style alternating between too slow and too fast.

I was starting to feel paranoid that my recent cold and its hacking cough had possibly caused me to hack my neck into smithereens.

I had been lying there despite the tingling and lack of falling asleep, with my eyes closed, just trying to relax my brain and not think too much - finally I felt like i was falling asleep - but then all of the sudden out of nowhere, my mind started singing those parts of the Scooby Doo song over & over, for no apparent reason, until I bolted into a sitting up position, feeling like I was on some drug and tingling even more.

Yes the Scooby Doo song sounds funny now; but it's not so funny when my brain starts repeating some goofball thing over & over for no apparent reason, making me feel like i chugged a bunch of mushrooms or something.

Then I try to stop my brain from singing the Scooby Doo song, then my brain suddenly forgets the WORD Scooby Doo and starts spitting out The Muppets, The Smurfs, Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your long hair.

My mind spurting out random cartoonish thoughts and images and songs. Maybe i'm turning into extreme randomisty.

***

Finally laid back down last night/this morning after 8:00 A.M – still didn’t fall asleep right away, but was no longer freaking out. I woke up after 1:00 P.M. after being in bed way too long (on  & off, due to getting up for close to an hour during the freak out), but still getting less than 5 hours of sleep. I woke up crying and feeling like as far as real live conversation in my life recently, nobody wants to listen; they just want to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do – or since they know I don’t like hearing that, they just don’t want to talk to me at all. 

In terms of one on one non-online conversation. I can’t remember the last time I talked on the phone to anyone other than my mom (and a few texts).  Well I can REMEMBER some conversations but they weren’t very recent. This doesn’t mean I want someone to call me right now. I’m just saying what was going through my head.

I know it’s my ex-husbands birthday today; I thought about calling him to say happy birthday; but why should I?  I can’t remember the last time we talked.  I don’t even know where he lives.  For all I know, his phone number might have changed or his whole life and I could be the last thing he’d like to be reminded of.  Last night’s brain spurts included random thoughts of the men I’ve been involved with in recent years and how none of them even talk to me anymore, so why should I think about talking to them or think about them period?  At least I guess that makes more sense than randomly thinking about Scooby Doo.

Maybe it has something to do with receiving an unexpected ‘I love you’ yesterday. Thanks for not really caring all that much when I felt really strongly about us and suddenly loving me now that it’s too late for that– because I’m never again going to deeply love someone who doesn’t love me more than drinking every single day.

I guess I’m usually too fast or too slow - or too in between, but rarely the right sort of in between. 

Too fast or slow ACTING; too in-between FEELING.