Had a bothersome phone conversation yesterday, during which it was suggested that the reason a lot of people probably back away from me is because I talk too much, revealing too much personal information, revealing stuff that most people aren't comfortable with or interested in talking/hearing about.
Part of the reason this came up is because I was talking a bit about how part of me felt a bit badly that I did not attend my 20 year high school reunion this past weekend - whereupon I was reminded that I often say I don't do well in group settings anyway - which is true - AND that I often semi-reconnect with someone, but then our conversational connections semi-suddenly seem to end and that is probably because of the too much/too detailed way I express myself - and that made me feel a little bad/sad, because I realized that was probably true too.
Occasionally I do crave fitting in a little better, but I don't really want to tone myself down in order for that to happen. If I talk too much for some people's liking (or talk about subject matter that most people don't like), then fine; they don't have to talk/listen to me. Yes that sometimes bums me out, but so be it. I’m not going to force myself upon anyone.
I want to be myself and I want people to like the way I am and the way I express myself, even if it IS sometimes a little over the top or extreme or oddly contradictory seeming or whatever. I'd rather be that way than toned done borderline fake. I mean I'll tone myself down at a job obviously. But in other parts of my real life too? No thank you. Why would I want to tone myself down for a friend and then have a friend that really doesn't care that much about me in a detail oriented manner? I like more real, intense caring.
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I, for one, enjoy your talkativeness.
ReplyDeleteI also admire your desire to not change yourself to fit in better. I've been that way since elementary school, and at the end of the day I am much happier having been true to myself (to use a cliche) than I can imagine myself being if I had to fake it to keep people interested.
I've never chatted with you, but your openness and expressiveness have always appealed to me as a reader of your blogs (and poetry, for that matter.) I think your attention to emotion and willingness to ruminate on the details make you easy to relate to. Maybe that makes some people uncomfortable. Intimacy is scary, and so are things that are different.
ReplyDeleteI think it's interesting that I find that aspect of your personality so provocative, since I am almost the exact opposite. I like to push people's boundaries and buttons, but I do so in a very manipulative and coercive manner. I'm a different person for every different scenario, and I say what I think will be the most effective thing, and I do what I think needs to be done. Some people would say I'm not really a real person at all, but it's actually just who I like to be: a performative chameleon who changes to suit moods and situations.
Thank you Marg and I agree AND on a semi-related semi-side note, I've also recently been thinking that most of my friends seem to be men for whatever reason - and yes I do like some men, but I certainly also like some women, since I am a woman myself! So I am very delighted that I have a female friend like you. Yay!
ReplyDeleteI ordered a small assortment of itty bitty skull soaps from etsy today - they will be pink and Nag Champa flavored! I will be giving you & M & K a couple when I see you next month!
Thank you Kyle, I always very much enjoy hearing your comments for me.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, I felt a bit surprised to here you say that you are someone who pushes people's buttons in a manipulative, coercive manner - because I have never thought of you that way; certainly not in relation to how you have ever expressed yourself to me.
But then I think back on your xanga blog and how I enjoyed reading the poems and other blog entries you posted there, but then sometimes when I would go to your comments section, I wouldn't vibe with most of the comments made by most of your other friends there. Most of them seemed less intellectually artsy then you.
So maybe you had to fling artsy intellectual coercive coversions into their biles.
Vile biles or not, a chameleon-like person is a real person too. You sure seem very real to me; you sure don't seem like you're blurting out fakeries. I think it's good if there are lots of different pieces of you, as long as they're all really you.
OR Kyle, maybe artsy isn't quite the right word for your style of expression (although I think you seem artsy, but you might not like that word); maybe you are expressive in a writerly fused with interesingly academic way fused with cohesive personal snippets.
ReplyDeleteWhereas many of the people who commented on your blog seemed more like video game players who had no particular interest in poetry (except if you wrote a poem since they liked you). I don't mean that negatively; I'm just saying...
OR Kyle. maybe you are a "small, hideous creature with a plethora of teeth, but devoid of tentacles."
ReplyDeleteI think you are right, but it's also not OR, but AND. The thing is, I probably have more video game player friends than poet friends, but I have both, and I myself am both a video game player and a poet, and I behave differently at a poetry reading than when I am playing video games, and that all makes sense to me, although I expect that friends from one social circle who viewed me in the others might be very surprised and turned off by this "other me." But I like to be the person who will be most successful/effective in any given social situation, and the man who "wins" the art gallery is not the same one who "wins" the football game, but those are both places I want to be.
ReplyDeleteI think what's most important is that we are happy with the person (people?) we choose to be, and it sounds like that's what you have, and I think that's what I have too. :-)
AND I'm not turned off by people I don't really relate to.
ReplyDeleteI'm much more turned off by people who make fun of quirks they don't relate to.
In fact, I sometimes feel urges to sort of make fun of the sort of peopole who I think tend to make fun of me. For example, if someone acts like poetry is some ridiculous waste of time, then I might feel like informing that person that all their TV viewing and sports watching seems like a waste of time to me. I could go on about this, but I'll stop.
I'm also much more turned off by fakery. But not by one person having different personality types (that's not fakery).
I think you're right too. :-)
You are wonderful! If people don't like you, then they're not worth being around! You have to be who you are. Otherwise, what's the point? There are A LOT of FAKE and boring people out there & you are NOT one of them, so YAY! Just be you--you are wonderful <3
ReplyDeletePS--I liked that about you when I met you, because you made me feel instantly comfortable & that's quite an achievement!
ReplyDeleteYay thank you very much Kathy! I very much enjoyed meeting you too, really liked you in person, and am glad you felt comfortable!
ReplyDeleteBut remember how I emailed you afterwords, feeling a bit worried that I might have come across as boring or something like that?
I think part of the reason for that is because I often feel a bit uncomfy in the midst of a fusion of a family member and a friend. I mean I do feel pretty comfortable and like I can be myself around that aunt of mine, but (among other things) I feel as if my family members are not particularly interested in poetry (which is fine; lots of people aren't) or my sometimes strange, off-kilter, quirky, poetic conversational stylings (which is not so fine; you'll get more of that next time).
Plus which in more recent times, when I meet someone for the first time, it's not so much worrying that they won't like me (at least not with someone like you, who is a fellow poet that I've communicated with a lot) as it is worrying that these days, I won't be able to communicate as well in person as in writing; my easy little word issues; my explanation/description issues etc...
While talking in the Dali museum, for example, I felt as if I couldn't describe my art and feminism views and stylings as well or specifically as I used to. Sigh. That kind of thing sometimes quite bothers me, because I think I used to be so oddly descriptive, but all I can do is try and hope and sometimes it goes well!
Anyway, you let me know if you're ever coming to Ohio any time soon - and I'll let you know about Florida - I'll probably be there again within a year or so.
XO
I suppose two things are required for the human being ;one is being oneself- which of course you believe in and the other is to live in harmony with the rest.The struggle between 'me' and 'thou' has been the eternal debate of human beings..you are one part of the debate..But yes, mature beings accept others as they are..
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