7/26/11

FLOWING (ebbing) FLOWING

Had a bothersome phone conversation yesterday, during which it was suggested that the reason a lot of people probably back away from me is because I talk too much, revealing too much personal information, revealing stuff that most people aren't comfortable with or interested in talking/hearing about.

Part of the reason this came up is because I was talking a bit about how part of me felt a bit badly that I did not attend my 20 year high school reunion this past weekend - whereupon I was reminded that I often say I don't do well in group settings anyway - which is true - AND that I often semi-reconnect with someone, but then our conversational connections semi-suddenly seem to end and that is probably because of the too much/too detailed way I express myself - and that made me feel a little bad/sad, because I realized that was probably true too.

Occasionally I do crave fitting in a little better, but I don't really want to tone myself down in order for that to happen. If I talk too much for some people's liking (or talk about subject matter that most people don't like), then fine; they don't have to talk/listen to me. Yes that sometimes bums me out, but so be it. I’m not going to force myself upon anyone.

I want to be myself and I want people to like the way I am and the way I express myself, even if it IS sometimes a little over the top or extreme or oddly contradictory seeming or whatever. I'd rather be that way than toned done borderline fake. I mean I'll tone myself down at a job obviously. But in other parts of my real life too? No thank you. Why would I want to tone myself down for a friend and then have a friend that really doesn't care that much about me in a detail oriented manner? I like more real, intense caring.