Speed racing faster and faster (a few days before I turn 53)...

One thing about pretty much all photos or posts when I check out my facebook Memories lately is that many of them do not feel anywhere near as old as they tell me that they are. Like in terms of the passage of time and how my brain works. Sometimes photos from 5 Years Ago feel they were more like 2 Years Ago (or a little more or a little less, because numbers and time are ongoing confusion)...

Then I'll see some Memory from 1 or 2 Years Ago that feels like it was just a few months ago or less than half a year.

Is it like this for everyone? The older you get, the more time feels like it's speed racing by, faster and faster and faster?

For me, time already felt like it was moving fast when I was in my late teens. Then I didn't want my 4 year college experience to end as quickly as it felt like it did. Then suddenly I was about to turn 30 (which seemed way too old to me at that time). Then I was about to turn 40, but still felt like I was in good shape physically.

Then shortly after turning 43, I started to semi-randomly gain weight and have various other unenjoyable perimenopausal symptoms that lasted for years, but I don't want to get into that, other than that happened too past too.

Now I'll be turning 53 in just a few short days (well actually tomorrow).

And now I'm this (more than?) middle-aged woman who doesn't feel as old as I actually am mentally (whatever that means) and who doesn't feel as old as I look and who doesn't want to keep getting older so fast, but you either keep getting older or you die and I hate death (and the older you get, the more people you know die).

And back to how fast time goes. It's been moving fast for me for a long time, but in more recent years, it seems increasingly ridiculously faster.

On a side note, I've not been a fan of traditional holiday seasons for years, but anymore time seems to move so darn fast, that it's hard to tell the difference between one holiday season and the next, which in a way makes it feel even worse (or more meaningless?). Like let's just jumpstart from this Thanksgiving and Christmas to the next in the click of a finger.

Also since I'm one of those women who doesn't regularly buy new clothes (and who doesn't quickly and easily throw old things away), I might have variations of the same clothing on in multiple photos for an entire decade that feels like less than a year. Okay that last part might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I shall leave it at that for now...

EVERY MONTH COUNTS

I woke up bleeding - the first of two periods I will be getting this month (the second will happen right before Halloween). Feeling better today now that the PMS has abated (this time's PMS, in addition to making me feel sad, also made me feel obsessive compulsive - about weird tidying and organizing and poeming).

A friend of mine sent me an online note last night, mentioning that he wished he would have seen me more in 2011 - which made me think something like, 'Um hello mister. Do three months not really mean much? Do three months not really count? Because 2011 still has three months left within it.'

Which then got me thinking that if 2011 is already almost over by some people's standards, then it would also already be almost two years since my carotid artery dissection/aneurisms/stroke/aphasia - and almost one year (same day) since my divorce.

2011 is NOT almost over by my standards; three months sure move fast (whole years sure move fast too) but are still a substantial amount of time - and who know what could happen? I sure don't like thinking/acting as if whole months of time barely even exist. I don't like moving too fast; but I also don't like moving way too slow. After all, nobody knows exactly how much time they have remaining. One month might feel like almost nothing or very substantial or a fusion of both. For me, every month feels/is substantial and important in its own odd way.

On a semi-related note, I felt a bit annoyed recently when a young male friend of mine informed me that I was almost 40. Hello, I will be turning 39 this month, dingbat. I don't think most women who will soon be turning 39, but have not yet, desire to be called 'almost 40', as if a whole year barely even exists! This seems to indicate that whole months barely even exist all the way up to twelve months! Stop talking/acting like that in front of me! I don't like it!

It all exists people. It all exists in one way or another. Don't act as if nothing really/truely matters much; not even your/my/our remaining time. Don't continually waste time and then be surprised by what you might suddenly lose (you/me/us) - because maybe it's not that sudden if you have been wasting time and ignoring things for months upon months.

I exist. My life exists. My ups & downs exist. My whitening hair exists. My weird poetry modes exist. My 38 soon to turn 39 (but not almost 40 yet) age exists. Every inch of my remaining time still exists. My strong desire to be passionate and productive still exists and will for the rest of my life (despite occassional zoned-out modes).

I still have trouble with math, shapes, sizes, cooking directions, and lots of easy little words (and I'm not going to stop talking about those difficulties as though they no longer exist, because they certainly do) - and maybe that's going to be my brain for the rest of my life now (and I wonder if it is partially my own fault. did I maybe not focus on the right kind of therapy enough? did I not try hard enough in certain regards? did I focus on the wrong things?) - and sometimes that really does trouble me, upset me, stress me out, and make me a feel a bit oddly inferior. But I'm alive, I exist, I have strengths. I sure have annoying spelling issues though, for someone who used to be a great speller. Did I spell inferior wrong? I'm not sure. My mind had a title for this blog entry, but I couldn't spell several of the words, so as of right now, it has know title, and I'll probably think of a different one.

The title WAS going to be Bloody Wailing Banche - except that the second and third words are probably spelled wrong. Is it Wailing or Waleing or neither of those? Is it Banche or Banshe or Banshee or none of those? Is it Whaling or Whaleing or Whale-ing? I don't know. I'll stop. But speaking of one kind of Whale, I'm quite delighted that my poem 'Sink or Float [quick fix witch]' made number 14 of this fabulous Whale Sound Top 20 list. Yay!

http://whalesound.wordpress.com/2011/10/03/top-20-whale-sound-posts/