HELLO! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? DO YOU HEAR ME?

I know how my own brain works and how it feels. Sometimes I feel like certain people seem to think or act as if I'm less intelligent than I used to be or less intelligent than I actually am. I'm certainly not a genius, but I'm certainly not unintelligent. I have some word issues. I am not great at quickly and easily explaining some things. In some ways I'm different than I used to be, but doesn't that apply to most of us in different ways? I have some memory issues. I'm a rather slow reader and need to concentrate harder than I used to in order to initially process something and then not too long after that, I might forget certain things again. But just because my reading is slower and my processing takes longer and I have more memory issues than I used to, that doesn't mean that I don't understand things when I concentrate on reading them.

It also doesn't mean that I need someone else to repeatedly explain things to me as though I don't understand or to repeatedly talk over me or to tell me what to do as though I'll make the wrong choice if they don't or to indicate that I'm less than I used to be. Just because things take me longer and require more substantial effort and repeated concentration, that doesn't mean my brain is a broken down mess.

It means my brain is different.

My brain is still my own. Not worse. Not less than. Different.

In addition to the above (or perhaps somewhat interconnected with the above), I am feeling rather sad (and like I'm not getting enough accomplished in a timely manner, whatever that even means). I guess that's just the kind of day (month? year?) it is.

Somewhat related to my own slow process, on the plus side, one really positive thing about slow reading/processing is that I'm used to that and enjoy it (sometimes) because of poetry. Poetry has always been a preferred form of reading and writing for me and poetry is a form of writing that I have often chosen to read (and re-read) slowly in order to process (and interpret and interpret again in different ways) because that's how poetry works for me.  

Along those lines, I will say one thing that is causing me to feel a bit sad is this meme I've seen quite a few of my poetry friends sharing on social media that shows a burning world on fire and then underneath that image of a burning world, a silly comedic "poet" asking, "Do you need any poems?"

Quite a few people are commenting that they don't know whether to laugh or cry and I feel that way too, but it mostly makes me feel upset and like crying and like maybe nothing is very important; not even the things we really like and are strongly drawn to.

I think a lot of us poetry/art people already know that poetry is not hugely important to the mainstream. But regardless of that, I still think it is a very worthwhile and meaningful form of expression and connection and sharing. Even if it's relatively little on a larger scale, I don't think that makes it meaningless or silly. I think it is meaningful and important to a lot of different people for a lot of different reasons.

Just one against lots?

I desire to feel super-strongly about someone who is extra-special to me and vice versa but…

It is very hard for me to figure out exactly how I feel about someone and why due to my ongoing difficulties with memory issues related to SPECIFICS.

Mind you, I used to have great memory skills. I didn’t used to easily forget things both little and big.

But these days, since it is so hard for me to remember specific details, if someone starts interacting/communicating with me less than they used to, that might lesson our relationship (no matter how long our relationship has been going on), because I can’t specifically recall all the positive tidbits if they don’t continually happen.

Every week I seem to forget the specifics of many interactions, thus even if you said some fabulously positive and delightful and wonderful things to me last week, I’m back to worrying; wondering why you like me and if you still do. This is really frustrating to me; it is probably frustrating to you too – knowing you’ve expressed oodles of yummy remarks to me and wondering why I still seem doubtful and terribly insecure.

On one hand, I would like my strong FEELINGS to outweigh my worries; on the other hand, I think that people largely create their own feelings. Feelings are not necessarily based on how other people think/feel about you, as much as they are based on your own mind’s perceptions.

So one week you might offer oodles of scrumptious supportive remarks to/about me and it helps me feel utterly great; the next week I forget those words and start to deflate and feel doubtful again.

I wonder if I am someone extra-special to you or just another semi-interesting, semi-casual, semi-new friend who you might not be able to stay attuned to for a very long time due to my ongoing insecurity and other challenges.

Is anyone ever going to desire to adhere to my convoluted brain and stick with me again & again?

***

On a semi-related note (the next day), I sometimes think that I am semi-anti-social, compared to many of my friends, who are very fun sociable people. I tend to be more sociable in writing than I am in person.

And so with a man-friend I feel strongly about who has all kinds of other fun friends too, why would he want/need much more of me? Maybe I'm a draggy inundation of sorts instead of just another fun morsel of a more sizable feast.

Sometimes I'm fine with being by myself; sometimes I'm not. I don't like to watch movies by myself, for example, so I don't. So it was super-duper fun this past weekend to be inside an awesomely large artsy rococo theatre multiple times, seeing lots of darkly delicious, horrific horror movies with a yummy friend to squeeze up against.

Now I want to lie down with him, cuddle up with him, whisper with him, and watch lots more...

***

On another semi-related note, still looking at children’s books for therapy depresses me, stresses me out, and gives me a headache. I’d like to be above & beyond the First Picture Dictionary. I dislike looking at its kid oriented content (and some of the not so hot memories it stirs up in my mind) plus the rather ridiculous level of concentration it still requires from my brain. Words like pinky and index finger and bracelet don't make sense.

I worked on it for about 15 minutes and then felt so depressed/tired that I layed down and took a nap for a couple hours and why the heck not? What else am I going to do?I mean yes there's lots of stuff that I COULD work on, but is any of it really all that essential? Probably not.

I don't think I've ever been this much of a 'what is the point' type person in my life, but I sometimes am now. Sigh.

I wish to be impassioned again.