Just one against lots?

I desire to feel super-strongly about someone who is extra-special to me and vice versa but…

It is very hard for me to figure out exactly how I feel about someone and why due to my ongoing difficulties with memory issues related to SPECIFICS.

Mind you, I used to have great memory skills. I didn’t used to easily forget things both little and big.

But these days, since it is so hard for me to remember specific details, if someone starts interacting/communicating with me less than they used to, that might lesson our relationship (no matter how long our relationship has been going on), because I can’t specifically recall all the positive tidbits if they don’t continually happen.

Every week I seem to forget the specifics of many interactions, thus even if you said some fabulously positive and delightful and wonderful things to me last week, I’m back to worrying; wondering why you like me and if you still do. This is really frustrating to me; it is probably frustrating to you too – knowing you’ve expressed oodles of yummy remarks to me and wondering why I still seem doubtful and terribly insecure.

On one hand, I would like my strong FEELINGS to outweigh my worries; on the other hand, I think that people largely create their own feelings. Feelings are not necessarily based on how other people think/feel about you, as much as they are based on your own mind’s perceptions.

So one week you might offer oodles of scrumptious supportive remarks to/about me and it helps me feel utterly great; the next week I forget those words and start to deflate and feel doubtful again.

I wonder if I am someone extra-special to you or just another semi-interesting, semi-casual, semi-new friend who you might not be able to stay attuned to for a very long time due to my ongoing insecurity and other challenges.

Is anyone ever going to desire to adhere to my convoluted brain and stick with me again & again?

***

On a semi-related note (the next day), I sometimes think that I am semi-anti-social, compared to many of my friends, who are very fun sociable people. I tend to be more sociable in writing than I am in person.

And so with a man-friend I feel strongly about who has all kinds of other fun friends too, why would he want/need much more of me? Maybe I'm a draggy inundation of sorts instead of just another fun morsel of a more sizable feast.

Sometimes I'm fine with being by myself; sometimes I'm not. I don't like to watch movies by myself, for example, so I don't. So it was super-duper fun this past weekend to be inside an awesomely large artsy rococo theatre multiple times, seeing lots of darkly delicious, horrific horror movies with a yummy friend to squeeze up against.

Now I want to lie down with him, cuddle up with him, whisper with him, and watch lots more...

***

On another semi-related note, still looking at children’s books for therapy depresses me, stresses me out, and gives me a headache. I’d like to be above & beyond the First Picture Dictionary. I dislike looking at its kid oriented content (and some of the not so hot memories it stirs up in my mind) plus the rather ridiculous level of concentration it still requires from my brain. Words like pinky and index finger and bracelet don't make sense.

I worked on it for about 15 minutes and then felt so depressed/tired that I layed down and took a nap for a couple hours and why the heck not? What else am I going to do?I mean yes there's lots of stuff that I COULD work on, but is any of it really all that essential? Probably not.

I don't think I've ever been this much of a 'what is the point' type person in my life, but I sometimes am now. Sigh.

I wish to be impassioned again.

paranoia/poetry

I seem to be experiencing a bit of a paranoid streak, especially about people suddenly/unexpectedly losing interest in me - and how am I to know when that might happen or why?

Perhaps this is semi-related to being a semi-recently divorced woman who feels emotionally uncertain about love and even about significant relationships - but who really craves love and an intense relationship with the right individual- but who knows that even longterm love and intensity might suddenly/unexpectedly ebb.

It worries me (maybe too much) if someone I am involved with and feel strongly about seems to suddenly diverge from frequent, intense correspondence to less frequent, intense correspondence. He might just be having an odd spell or a small episode of a bad series of days, BUT it makes me wonder if I somehow unexpectedly managed to turn him off. If so, I wish he would tell me why/how, instead of just keeping it to himself.

Even if I didn't do anything that turned him off; even if less correspondence is not related to lack of interest, I also don't want a man I feel super-strongly and intensely about to be one of those sorts who turns it down after he thinks he's gotten a woman who really likes him. I would much rather have a man who turns it up up UP as the relationship gets more significant.

I do seem to have a paranoid streak about relationships suddenly/unexpectedly ending and this fused with my insecurity issues might make me a tough woman to deal with for many men. But I don't want many men - and I don't want a man who wants many women. I want a special, creative, darkly delicious morsel of a man who truly wants me back & forth and who often tries his best to convince me of such.

I seem to be worrying too much about possible ebbings instead of focusing on wonderfully positive presents.

Please don't give up.

******

Here is a poem from my Thirteen Designer Vaginas chapbook -

Designer Vagina

I got sucked into a black hole
of sensation, tied up with pretty pink rib-
bon. I need to find out if I’m tightly bound
or decorated; intact or slaveringly masticated
bonbon. Inside my designer gift box,
am I tied down or am I a good time release
capsule? If he doesn’t deserve the present;
if he’s stuck in his desire for the past, then should I
wish to be unwrapped by someone who is wishing for me?
All these frills and frayed edges don’t come cheap


I read that piece at a very fun-filled poetry reading I participated in this past weekend with my scrumpdelicious poet friend Margaret Bashaar. We each read several of our own poems plus a poem from each other's chapbook, published by each of our small presses.

So Marg. read one of my poems from my Thirteen Designer Vagina's, published by her Hyacinth Girl Press (available here - http://www.etsy.com/listing/77707618/thirteen-designer-vaginas-by-juliet-cook)

And I read a poem from her Letters From Room 27 of the Grand Midway Hotel, published by my Blood Pudding Press (available here - http://www.etsy.com/listing/82732178/halloween-horror-poetry-letters-from)

I wish I had some photos from the reading, but alas!

I was also wonderfully thrilled that my exceptionally special yumfest PoetJoe attended the reading and spent time with me afterwords. Later this month, the two of us will be having all kinds of darkly delicious fun during a horror film fest weekend. Yay!

I hope he can handle my insecure/paranoid streaks and does not grow overly fed up and tired of me.