I'm not always aiming for positive emotions...

Sometimes it's hard to explain why I am drawn towards certain kinds of creative writing, visual art, and photographic art that others might view or interpret as gross, gory, unsettling, disturbing, or even offensive, because there are various different reasons, sometimes fused together and somewhat different depending on the piece of art.

One of those reasons is that earlier on in my life, I feel like I experienced quite a few examples of people choosing to hide (or avoid knowledge or awareness of) parts of reality that they found disturbing. I understand not revealing certain disturbing aspects of reality to little kids (but also some little kids don't even have the privilege of being able to avoid certain disturbing aspects of reality), but I also think that some adults would rather act like disturbing aspects of reality don't really exist forever. On one hand, that's an individual choice, but on the other hand it's a choice that not everyone has the privilege to make if they're surrounded by a different part of reality.

With my own poetry/art OR poetry/art by others that I choose to share, I'm not purposely aiming to shock or offend, but I'm also not aiming to keep it calm or pretty or avoid the unpleasant or bothersome. There are a variety of different kinds of poetry/art I'm drawn to in some ways, but among those, I've always been drawn towards some dark, unsettling, and disturbing. Why? I don't know exactly or maybe that's because there's a variety of different reasons, depending on the art and other factors. Sometimes because it stimulates my brain and catalyzes creative impulses. Sometimes because it has a strong affect on my emotions (and I'm not always aiming for positive emotions). Sometimes because I'd rather feel angry than sad. Sometimes because I'd rather be made aware of/attempt to confront something disturbing or disgusting than stay unaware of it, hidden from it, or choose to just ignore it. Which is not to say I never ignore things. Sometimes I do.

I would never personally kill an animal, but I've taken photos of dead birds and dead baby bird fetuses before, not because I thought it was shocking or titillating but partly because it's a small but unsettling part of reality that many people would rather just walk past and ignore. Also because I'm so disturbed by death or by life just visually disappearing.

Some years ago when I had my dog put to sleep (which in my opinion is a pretty disturbing phrase and a very difficult experience) and then brought his dead body back to my house, I was drawn to take a few photos of him, because that was the last time I was going to see his body. I had loved my dog and I had taken tons of photos of him when he was alive. But I only snapped one really quick one after he was dead, because my parents were over and that might have freaked them out and seemed ridiculously weird to them. They liked my dog too, but everyone processes and handles these things somewhat differently. I guess I'm drawn to someone incorporate death into art, since I'm so into art, and if something still exists in art then it doesn't seem entirely dead?

I'm much more disturbed by the idea of death/non-existence and the uncaringness of death itself and by people just tossing dead animals in a big trash heap like they're garbage than I am of people photographing that unsettling part of reality and presenting it in order to provoke thoughts and feelings (which is part of what I think art does).

With this interconnected small series of poems I'm currently in the process of working on, one of them is trying to express a difference between fantasy horror films and documentation of real life violence, in terms of some people implying it's not a good idea to watch too many horror films but also implying that we should try to ignore many aspects of real life violence. I'm having a hard time with the poem for some reason. Who knows? Maybe semi-sorting through these thoughts of mine here and then copying and pasting them next to my poem-in-progress might help me finish it soon. Or maybe not.