semi-random, semi-repetitive rambles...

semi-random, semi-repetitive ramble #1 - I really like submitting my poetry to various lit mags all over the place and having my work accepted for publication by people who don't necessarily know much of anything about me personally and just like my poetry.

I like participating in occasional poetry readings and very much appreciate being invited to read, BUT I couldn't be someone who does tons of readings or multiple readings a month, because I tend to get quite edgy and nervous and anxious and overly questioning beforehand.

I feel like since I'm not a frequent reader, I'm not going to draw much of a crowd - and normally, I don't care about crowds, popularity, or being a part of any one scene, but...I do like to have some people listen to and appreciate my poetry.

I like having poetry friends and listening to other people read poetry too (and of course I like reading lots of other people's poetry) but...I guess I can only handle group stuff in rather small doses, because I have an introverted brain, a slow pace and process, and like having a lot of time to myself in order to process and work at my own slow pace.


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semi-random, semi-repetitive ramble #2 - I think metabolic changes are semi-randomly disturbing.

I can only directly speak for myself (since I don't know how other people's bodies feel), but I think with women, the metabolism thing might get quite screwed up with perimenopause.

With me, I kept a very similar weight from high school until beyond age 40 (with a few unintentional weight loss fluctuations in my 30's when I started exercising more for mental health reasons and then when I was 37, had a stroke, and fluctuated down to less than 100 pounds because of all my pills and lack of appetite. I went down to the weight I'd been in junior high, but that didn't last terribly long).

But as for my typical weight, since I'd maintained a very similar weight from about age 18 until after 40, I thought I was lucky enough to have a good metabolism and might stay that way forever.

Then a few months after I turned 43, my metabolism and body started to suddenly change (and change and change) and within three years, I gained about ten pounds for no apparent reason. I paid more attention to my diet, ate less, increased my exercise routine, and kept semi-randomly gaining weight anyway.

I think my only really bad habit is drinking too much wine (plus weekend Martini's), so that might be partly to blame for my weight gain too - and I really should cut down on that for health reasons anyway. I wish I didn't like wine and Martini's so much. 🍸

Sometimes I also wonder if my seizure pill effects my metabolism.

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semi-random, semi-repetitive ramble #3 - Almost everything I write and share these days embarrasses me and I have no idea why or where this came from. Is this a perimenopause thing too? Or a brain wave malfunction? Or some side effect related to my seizure pill? Or what?

I've always been nervy and edgy and anxious, but I didn't used to feel embarrassed by my own personal expression. In fact, I used to be extremely personally expressive and I felt that if other people didn't like what I had to say, that was their issue; not mine. After all, I was just expressing myself and it's not like I was forcing anyone else to read me

But these days, I tend to question everything I say and share and have to sort of semi-force myself to share it and then sort of semi-force myself to not delete it, because I don't want to become LESS expressive as I get older. Still though, more than half of what I say seems embarrassing for some semi-random reason.

The only form of personal expression that doesn't often feel embarrassing to me is my poetry. Unless I'm reading it in public. Then I start to question my poetry too and think, who wants to hear THIS?

In some ways, I seem to be the opposite of feeling more confident and secure as I get older. Instead, I feel more worried, questioning of myself, and semi-randomly embarrassed.