a bad dream on the 5 year anniversary of my dog's death

Uncomfortable dream last night in which my pet dog was possibly approaching the end of its life. The dog basically looked like bones. Literal bones, like if you're walking through a forest and see bones from a dead animal. The difference was all the dog's bones were connected with each other, so it had a head, a body, legs and feet, and even a tail - but no skin or tongue or eyes. But it was alive. But it was in bad shape.

Someone said they could fix it - some woman who acted like an expert who knew what she was talking about. So we were in a dark old basement and my dog was on a table that resembled a table at a veterinary office. The woman who had said she could fix him was cutting into parts of his bone in a way that was supposed to somehow help whatever his issue was - but then she accidentally broke part of one of his bones - and part of me knew he couldn't be fixed or saved after that.

But he was still alive, so what were we supposed to do? She kept cutting and I was worried he was going to break even more, fall apart, and be in terrible pain. I asked her, "Can he hear me?" She said yes, so I was whispering into the dog's ear bones and the holes where his eyes had been and crying until I woke myself up.

When Doves Cry

I didn't realize I linked to something that was 1 out of 100+ videos. I only meant to link to "When Doves Cry".

A friend's dad died last week - I took a quick peek online today before heading to visit my grandma and saw that Prince had died - at my grandma's house, there often seems to be obituary talk and death talk (and today's obituaries included a friend of my grandma's, a woman my parents had gone to high school with, and my friend's dad, ranging in age from 60's to late 80's - and a comment was made about how if you make it past your 60's, you'll probably live pretty long - and then you think of people you've encountered in their 80s with dementia who seem like they don't even enjoy life and don't even really want to be alive any longer) - and then you're hearing about your grandpa who passed away two years ago - and then you're thinking about how you only have one grandparent left and your dad only has one sibling left and has lived to be older than every single member of his immediate family and he's only in his mid-60s.

After leaving your grandma's house, you stop at Dunkin' Donuts for a coffee and their TV is showing news footage about Prince, who was only 57 and was still touring and performing and now he is suddenly dead.

When you get home, you try to decide what Prince song to post on your facebook page and you choose one of your favorites from the Purple Rain album, because you loved the whole album when it came out and still really like it, but you accidentally post a link to 100+ different videos and feel annoyed at yourself.

Right after you post it, while you're listening to the song, you get a casual email and feel angry about death death death death quickly preceded by another casual email.

I'm not sure why all my I's are you's. Maybe that's annoying too. I'm not you. You're not me. You probably wouldn't want to be.

I am still missing my dog (who died less than 3 months ago) and I tend to feel silly mentioning my dog in conjunction with human death, but frankly I could relate to my dog better than I can relate to a lot of humans and whenever another human death happens, I think of my dog - and I think of how I don't have a will - and I think of how all my silly artsy stuff will probably just be pitched after I die - and three minutes later, people will be quickly typing more casual emails.