Starting to Release the Guilt...

No matter what you're aiming for (mentor, friend, acquaintance) and what genuine impression you try your best to offer another, I think that people who are aiming to use you for their own benefits, power trips, mind games or abuse, don't really care whether you're in a relationship or not, plan to do what they can to get what they want from you anyway, and then will try to convince you that YOU gave the wrong impression or that it was somehow YOUR fault - or that it was just something that happened and it's no big deal and you're making too big a deal out of it and/or misinterpreting the situation and you should just keep it to yourself.

It has nothing to do with you lacking anything in your relationship. It has more to do with the abusive/abuse-of-power person not really giving a fuck what your relationship means to you and wanting to use you for his own reasons, while just ignoring your relationship and/or acting like it has no real credibility, because in his mind/his plan, it doesn't.

Regarding a man who took advantage of me, I had made a point of casually mentioning in advance that I was in a relationship, so that he didn't accidentally perceive us getting together as some sort of a date or some sort of potential for physical activity. He casually said, "its really just good for me to get out. Having someone to talk to about writing stuffs is good, too."

So I assumed we were both on a similar page, regarding why we were getting together.

After the unexpected happened, I confronted him about it (via email, the next day), admitted my discomfort about the situation and told him I felt like I must somehow accidentally give the wrong impression just by being myself. I also told him he had accidentally left his long sleeved shirt at my house. I guess I was thinking that maybe the sudden physical power dynamic had been an accidental mistake on his end too, and that he would be embarrassed, and that he would apologize.

All I got in response was this - "Well, just let me know a morning besides tomorrow I can pick it up this week...things happen in my opinion, but it would be nice to have the sweater back. Not trying to be a jerk either, but don't think there's really anything else to say here."

Part of my brain tried to convince myself that I did something wrong, but even if I accidentally did, I didn't tell him to get on top of me. I don't think letting a man in my home and sitting right next to him, talking to him and getting excited about the conversation means I'm hitting on him or offering some sort of sexual innuendo. Personally, I don't think it's a matter of carelessness or naivete so much as me being overly trusting. I like to believe that people mean what they say and are interested in other people for real, genuine, caring, considerate reasons.

And as far as my own guilt about how I shouldn't have let it happen or should have done more to stop it?  Well, why should that be looked upon as being the responsibility of the people that unexpected, unsavory things happened TO rather than the people that instigated the unexpected, unsavory things? Oftentimes, when something unpleasantly unexpected happens, I don't know the best and safest way to react. Especially if the situation involves physical contact with a body double my size. Part of me felt that if I reacted strongly AGAINST the man, it would escalate the physical part of the situation more strongly against ME. Also, I don't always know how to interpret the unexpected right away, and then afterwords, I wonder if I'm misinterpreting it - and it takes some time, effort, and mental energy to process and decide how I feel and how to react.

Maybe some people would prefer it if we spent our mental energy blaming ourselves instead of questioning their questionable behaviors and/or abuse of power.