GUILT

Slight guilt for not putting anything up related to #MeToo. I told myself it was because I don't like jumping aboard a group bandwagon, which is largely true about me and a lot of things - but which may not be quite as relevant when it comes to things that are emotionally challenging to share and so if a lot of people share their experiences, then that might encourage others to reveal their own emotionally challenging experiences.

Guilt because even though I consider myself a fairly strong, genuine, and openly expressive person for the most part, I have been too weak to share an emotionally unsettling experience I had a few years ago.

Guilt because one of the main reasons I haven't shared it is because every time I think about it, the guilty part of my brain tries to convince myself that it was probably my fault.

My fault for trusting too easily. My fault for being too vulnerable, because I don't want to believe how many people are fake or manipulative or users or aiming for whatever the fuck they are aiming for, however they can get it.

My fault for believing that a man who acts like he wants to hang out with me and talk about poetry really does just want to hang out with me and talk about poetry. My fault for letting him into my home to continue our poetry conversation. My fault for choosing to trust a man I barely know, getting all excited and talkative about poetry, drinking and giggling and then somehow accidentally giving the wrong impression, and then ending up with a man crushed on top of me.

I used to like the part of myself that was honest, openly expressive, and trustworthy that others were honestly expressive too - but in recent years, I feel like me being me has led to quite a few unintentional and semi-embarrassing mistakes.

I feel like a lot of friendship is fake, and so I was excited about the prospect of connecting with a new, seemingly genuine poet friend in my general area, but ultimately it ended up further crippling my trust of others, as well as my own self-worth, as well as my trust of getting the right impression from anyone or giving the right impression to anyone.

Often, I feel like I have no idea what anyone genuinely thinks about me.

Often, if someone compliments me or says something positive about me, I don't even know if it's true, if that's how they really feel, or why they're saying it.

Often, I feel like I don't even know what friendship MEANS to most people.

Often these days, I feel like it would take me less than one hand's set of fingers to count the number of friends I have that feel real, genuine, and authentic.

Maybe it's partly because I'm tired of accidentally trusting the wrong people and then having my trust nailed into silly smithereens.

Other people misinterpret me, but also I seem to misinterpret others, or not know how to interpret things when they first happen or not know how I should react.

I want to be an open minded and trustworthy individual, but maybe I have no idea who to truly trust, or else why would certain things have happened.