I might delete this post of mine soon because I don't know that
there's a particularly legitimate point in semi-publicly posting it - but other
than the poetry/art stuff, most of what I choose to share is focused on my
own thoughts/feelings - and me thinking out loud to help me clarify my own
thoughts/feelings, because that's what I've done for years, because if I'm not
expressing myself on a one on one basis, then I'm trying to express myself by
writing out some of my thoughts/feelings.
My brain has been too frequently on the brink of panic lately.
I don't think there's any particular reason for the panic, other
than my own brain glitches. Or another way to put it is that even though
certain things might accidentally catalyze my panicky feelings, once I
suddenly/semi-randomly get into one of my more panic prone modes, it's nobody's
fault. It's nobody's fault that sometimes my brain is more prone to panic than
other times. It's not even my own fault, because I don't intentionally cause my
brain to get panicky and I don't want to be so panic prone and I don't
purposely focus on things that might trigger panic.
But I also don't want to just ignore things just because they
might trigger panic. But sometimes I have to tone down my focus on certain
things. And if that causes certain people to feel as if I'm not on their side
and thus think less of me, then so be it. Most of us don't know all the details
of all our online friends and how their brains work and why. I think some
people seem to make assumptions too easily. I don't make assumptions quickly or
easily at all. Maybe that makes me some sort of a screwball.
Once the panic starts, the panic is largely illogical. When I
have an actual panic attack, the logical part of my brain still exists but has
to use a large amount of energy to try to convince the illogical part of my
brain that this isn't entirely real, that I'm probably not going to suddenly
die or be killed. That my artery is probably NOT going to explode, have another
aneurysm, and make me immobile, inexpressive, borderline non-existent to the
point of being an un-real variation of the real me. I want to be the real me,
flaws and all.
I try my best to stay logical (or logical in my own way). But I
can't always control my own brain's defaults. For over 20 years, I've had these
different time frames in my life where I'm more prone to more panic/panic
attacks than usual. I could theorize about the reason(s), but I don't want to
focus on that right now.
I will say that even though there's not very many people in my
life that I can regularly talk to in terms of genuinely expressing myself on an
ongoing, in-depth, one-on-one basis, about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I want to
talk about, filled with glitches, contradictions, mixed feelings, speed racing
thoughts, emotional outbursts, weirdo-isms, yelling jags, crying jags,
giggle-fests, and an odd personality that most people probably wouldn't be
interested in handling for very long, I am very glad that I have my main man
who will listen to anything I have to say, anytime I want to say it, and who
actually likes it
(There WAS a legitimate reason for this post. It took a while,
but I went from feeling like I was on the brink of another panic attack to
feeling smiley-faced about Darryl, even though he swears too much).
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