9/16/16

I'm not (cl)aiming to be animalistic

(Whatever animalistic even means, since not all dogs are the same, not all cats are the same, and not all animals can be lumped together).
In any case, some people seem to feel that humans are ultimately animals, with an instinct to propagate and compete for their own animalistic gains.

I don't live inside anyone else's brain, so I can only speak for myself, in terms of instincts, thoughts, feelings, and drive.

I'm driven to create, but I'm certainly not driven to create offspring.

Have I ever in my life wanted to propagate? No. In fact, the idea of getting pregnant/giving birth/having kids has always grossed me out. So propagation is not an automatic instinct or a natural drive for everyone.

I have an ongoing sex drive, which has alternated over time (partly based on experience, partly based on hormonal flow) from mentally focused to extremely physically focused to in-between the two. Even when I had an extremely high sex drive that was strongly physically focused, I was never drawn towards strangers based on their looks. It's not that I didn't like looking at various people (men and women) and finding them visually appealing, but I had no desire to get physical with someone just based on what they looked like. Even when I masturbate, I'm rarely visualizing a specific face or body. I'm visualizing  what a man is saying to me and doing to me.

I care about the way I look and I enjoy other people finding me attractive, but I much more strongly enjoy being found visually attractive AND appealing/stimulating on a more in-depth level too. On a unique individual brain-based level, involving the way I think. I wish someone thought I was uniquely special on multifaceted levels, and if some guy was just into me because of how I looked (or simply because I had a vagina), that would lose its appeal very quickly. People who are easily drawn to others predominantly based on looks are probably drawn to lots of different others and who wants to be one of that pack. Not me.

I got myself unexpectedly upset yesterday by reading a new poetry chapbook by a woman, in which the poems all seemed to be implying that women are dumb, women are shallow, women are lacking in depth and don't really care, women are mean and cruel and vicious and secretly hate other women, women are competitive with other women, women are prone to stealing from and attacking other women, women don't really care about anything other than themselves and looking good and being the one in control. I think (I hope) this collection of poems was purposely intended to be enraging and make people angry and upset, but it really upset me in a non-enjoyable way, causing me to wonder/worry what if a lot of women really feel this way, because I sure don't.

Am I hard to please because I'm not sure what could possibly ultimately satisfy me? Yes. Am I brimming with mixed feelings? Yes. Do I have a jealous streak? Yes. But I don't lash out because of it. Do I have a competitive streak? Yes to a certain extent, but I don't purposely work against others for my own gain.

I have no desire to hurt anyone else in order to get ahead or win - or to hurt anyone else for no particular reason at all. I have no desire to cause anyone else pain or heartache or suffering. It's hard for me to handle my own emotions and I have no desire to control or purposely screw around with anyone else's. I have no desire to knock anyone down in order to rise above them or to steal or to lie or to do anything fake.

I have no desire to compete in a fake, false sort of way in a fake, false sort of world.

I want all my emotions, thoughts, feelings and behavior to be real . Not part of a prize fighting game. Not part of a dog fighting blood bath that ends in death.

Even though humans are animals, I'm not the kind of animal who would bite or tear or break or eat another creature into pieces in order to be on top or in control.

I don't want the kind of control that involves competing, ruining or destroying someone else.


It's not that I'm denying certain animalistic cravings, but mine don't involve  crushing other animals or fucking any animal I can get and then ripping it apart and eating it and finding a new one.