7/4/14

ugly emotional impact

So yesterday it might have sounded like it was all about sobbing because of killing a giant mutant wasp, and then having a crappy, self-deprecating, unaccomplished day/night, and then putting my beer socks on late at night and attempting to chug a Miller Lite (and taking more than an hour to chug it) and yes it was partially about all that jazz, but here’s why.

Sometimes you think you’re getting to know someone better and better (and thus trust them more and more, even though you’re not an easily trustworthy chick) over the course of many months – and then all of the sudden, seemingly out of nowhere, you find out something you didn’t know, wouldn’t have suspected, and don’t understand.

That sudden new revelation has a negative emotional impact on you, causing you to question that other person more and causing you to question yourself even more (even though you’re an overly questioning person to begin with and thought you were finally reaching the point of questioning less). You’re confused, upset, unsure, and don’t know what to do.

You stupidly sit on the counter in front of your bathroom mirror and pick at your own facial skin, squeezing it and scratching it and peeling parts of it off. Your skin had been looking better than usual for over a month, but now you’ve made it look way worse than usual and you’ve done it to yourself, almost as though you semi-purposely chose to make yourself look ugly, do to your mental dilemma. Now you look/feel like an embarrassing mini-disaster zone.

You cancel your Friday social plan (you don’t want be in a noisy crowded public space with now one-on-one personal conversation and bombarded with semi-repetitive bursts of screaming color) and decide to spend the whole weekend by yourself, trying to situate your thoughts/feelings and work on poetry stuff. Too bad you feel too ugly to walk to the store and buy yourself a bottle of wine (but if you get desperate for alcohol, I guess you can drink the other five Miller Lites in your fridge).