2/7/14

Middle-aged Dream

Part of last night’s dream:

Just as I am walking into a large public restroom, holding my small dog on a leash, a skinny, middle-aged woman is stepping out of one of the restroom’s stalls, nude, with her pubic hair removed.

‘Can anybody help me?’ she asks in an annoyed tone of voice, as though she already knows that nobody is going to. She was asking for help getting back on her wheelchair.  Everyone just ignores her and she says in an even more annoyed sounding voice, ‘Fine, I’ll call someone’.

That’s when I respond (because I don’t want to be another one of the people who just ignores something they don’t want to deal with or are not sure how to deal with), ‘I could try to help you.  The only reason I didn’t answer right away is because I have my dog and…’.

Meanwhile, everyone else is just washing their hands and ignoring the situation.


***

When my alarm clock woke me from the dream before I could try helping:

As usual when I wake from an unusual dream, I start wondering what it was ABOUT. 

How does a woman step out of a restroom stall, standing by herself, but need help getting back on her wheelchair? I didn’t ask myself that in the dream – in the dream it was more like if she asked for help, she needed help – why question why?  Of course, in real life, people (including me) question things a lot, sometimes to avoid diving in.  In real life, I don’t automatically help someone, unless I feel like they really need it – but how do I know?

Why was the woman nude – and why, after I woke from the dream, did I start wondering if that woman was some representation of ME – a skinny, middle-aged woman who sometimes wishes people would pay more attention to me than they do – but why should they? Maybe I’m an unattractive middle-aged weirdo that’s hard to identify/identify with. Granted, my character in the dream was walking my little dog and wearing a short skirt that many women my age probably wouldn’t wear.

Granted, in real life, I’m pretty skinny and like being skinny and I don’t think I look old, but maybe I do.  Maybe I look considerably older than I feel.  Maybe I look more akin to the annoyed, middle-aged woman who stepped out of the toilet stall nude, but there was nothing attractive about her nudity; it was just odd and disconcerting.  Her face looked old.  Her body was skinny and looked like it was in good shape, but even though she didn’t look unhealthy, she somehow looked too skinny.  And even though I remember seeing her shaved crotch,  I don’t remember seeing any breasts.  What’s that all about?

I’ve been having breast issues lately i.e. I wish I had some; not someone else’s, but I wish mine were a little more substantial instead of borderline nonexistent. Maybe borderline nonexistent is an overstatement.  Or maybe it’s not. Maybe I’m akin to a middle-aged, annoyed, annoying, somewhat disturbing person that’s the opposite of appealing when I get naked (physically OR expressively) and most people would rather just ignore it.


Accept for the younger version of myself that will TRY to help the annoying, unattractive, uncomfortable, nude older version of myself onto her seemingly unnecessary wheelchair. 

?