October should make me feel happy (I should make myself feel happy), but...

I am feeling bad, sad, upset at myself and self-hating. I'm a writer who expresses myself in all kinds of ways, but yet in recent years I feel like maybe I have trouble expressing myself the way I want to emotionally to someone I might care about, because I am all maybe maybe maybe, i don't know i don't know i don't know (i don't know how he feels; i don't know or trust how i feel; if I don't know what i want then how the heck am i supposed to express it?), i don't want to sound too intense and scare someone away, i don't want to sound too casual (but often I do sound more casual than i actually feel, or else i'd be ridiculously freaking people out left and right)

i didn't always used to be this way, but these days, i don't even have any confidence in how I feel and why and if my feelings can be trusted

these days anything that even comes remotely close to a relationship involving emotions seems/feels unattainable to me. i'm tired of trying things that don't work right and don't last long and then seem to mutate my ridiculous emotions even more. i don't even take any emotion-based pills and yet my emotions frequently shift from over the top to zoning themselves out into uncaring, overly casual, who gives a fuck mode (even though I do care)

messed up, mixed up, non-trusting, non-trustworthy, emotional feeling/unemotional seeming quadruple sextuplet triple threat and nobody's going to win, because it's not a competition, it's mostly just my failure (or at least that's how i'm feeling today)