I’m either too weird, too freaky OR too freaked out,  too passionate, too high energy, too talkative OR too quiet, too shy coming across as stuck up, too needy, too negative, too self-deprecating, to questioning OR not questioning enough, too mixed up.

I’m either too giving or sharing or caring OR too uncaring because I’m annoyed by over popular norms. To full of myself, too self-doubting, to up & down.

I often feel lonely, but don’t usually like sitting around in the midst of casual banter or relaxation (don’t even usually like the WORDS ‘casual’ or ‘relaxation’). Who has time to just sit around and relax?  I enjoy artsy indulgences and interludes and amusing indulgences and interludes and fun conversation and in-depth conversation – but maybe I’m too much of an in-depth goofball hybrid.

I get annoyed by people who seem to get bored easily, because I don’t understand that.  I don’t feel like any of us have enough time. I know we all have our up & down moods, but despite such mood swings, time always feels like a speed racer to me.  Thus I feel annoyed by people who basically just want to drink and watch TV during their free time (but I’m also aware that lots of people might feel annoyed by how I’m frequently online - blabbering, blathering, and posting photos).

To me, expressing oneself is more meaningful than watching random people express themselves on TV.  But to some people, expressing oneself to a personal extent is taking it too far (taking WHAT too far?) OR rather pointless (but couldn’t everything be perceived as rather pointless?  I think we all should choose to focus on what we feel strongly about, even if others don’t relate).  

I’m brimming with mixed feelings, about myself and others. I sometimes feel like I’m bound to mostly be by myself for the rest of my life; but I’m sometimes craving a really in-tense, in-depth relationship (but some people don’t even like the WORDS ‘intense’ or ‘in-depth).  I don’t like clichés, but what if I’m perceived as some sort of warped, screwball cliché?

I worry I’m too problematic by most people’s standards because I can’t drive and have no sense of direction (other than my own sort of quirky, artsy poetic directions) and I’m technically ‘disabled’, even though I don’t fit into all the disabled standards - or mainstream standards or normal standards or abnormal standards.  I don’t like when we’re supposed to automatically classify ourselves as married or divorced – as heterosexual or homosexual or bisexual.  I don’t like to automatically classify myself into any set grouping or category or terminology.  (Ditto for the poetry land classifications of academic or outsider, but I’m currently talking about that in a poetry interview, so I’ll save it).

I might be too much of a self-manifesto.  I might be too much of a self-ick-festo.  Relationship-wise, I might want too much and be filled with intense cravings, but not about to dive right in to someone who may or may not want me for who knows what reason, for who knows how long.  I might be too uncertain, too unsure, too doubtful (after years of being too quick to dive in for who knows what reason).  I don’t entirely relate to what I used to be attracted to – and I’m not entirely sure what I’m attracted to anymore – and I don’t think any one thing is entire.

I’m too much of a drinker for some people’s liking; not enough of a drinker for others.  Too much sex drive for some people, but not interested in a relationship that’s mostly just sex without more in-depth personal interest and affection and intense conversation too.  Maybe too flirty and too much of an open-minded sex talker, but sometimes I like that kind of conversation and don’t really like toning myself down, but nor do I like attracting men who think I’m all about potential sex. I’m into sex in real life IF I’m really into the other person; not some casual online sex banter.  Sometimes I like being flirty or talking dirty, but not when that seems to be someone’s only interest in me.  Maybe I’m too much of an information sharer.  Maybe I’m either too immature OR too mature. 

I wish to be attractive and appealing on a variety of different but interconnected levels - physical AND mental AND emotional AND the poetry zone but sometimes I worry that I’m not and never will be all of that for anyone – it’s either one or the other or none.

I’m too much of an odd ball mixed back to be anyone’s type on an in-depth level.

1 comment:

  1. Semi-related to my above post re: mixed up/mixed feelings galore.

    I'm now having mixed feelings about a friend (a man I felt strongly about in the past) visiting me next week, even though I invited him to. I'm feeling pissed off because at a time when I needed someone most in my life, he backed away, causing my feelings for him to really ebb. But now he wants to step in again - and I guess I was thinking that would be okay on a friendship level.

    But now I'm thinking, why should I waste my time with a casual friend for more than a day when I have tons of creative stuff to work on.

    However, I certainly didn't have to say yes to him visiting me; I'm the one who did say yes; and now I'm having the mixed feelings; AND I have mixed feelings about almost EVERYTHING these days and I don't want that to turn me into a wishy washy type who repeatedly changes my mind and says yes then no then yes then no, so...

    I guess we'll see what happens.