Nobody likes me; everybody hates me; I’m going to go eat worms

Well I feel very embarrassed and upset about how I acted at a restaurant yesterday evening (and I feel like now I can’t go back to that restaurant anymore, since I probably sounded like a loud, disrespectful creep to my parents, the waiter, and some of the restaurant clientele - because when I was sitting outside on the bench afterwards, waiting for my parents to come out, an older couple came out and glared at me).

I got annoyed by my mom mentioning the doctor who prescribed my seizure pill, in relation to some remark I made about wanting another drink (I was drinking a martini that did not seem very strong; I think I made some comment about it not having much affect on me; and then my mom made some comment about how according to the doctor, I had to keep my drinking to a minimum )– and instead of feeling a bit annoyed but just ignoring her comment, it pissed me off and I overreacted.

Part of the reason I overreacted, is because she has made that kind of comment multiple times – and I don’t really understand why, since I HAVE substantially decreased my alcohol content in recent years – and why do I have to hear another comment about that when out to eat and having one drink?

(Also, as far as I'm concerned, all that doctor knows about me is my height, weight, and some of the details of my recent medical history - nothing good or positive or personal - he doesn't know or care about me personally, so why would I want to repeatedly hear his perspective on anything about me – especially when I’m out to eat, having one drink – and am suddenly caused to feel like I’m doing something wrong for even THINKING about another drink.)

However, I think the MAIN reason I overreacted was due to hearing about the doctor who prescribed my seizure pill during a time when I had awful PMS. I sure chose the wrong time to go out to eat (or do much of anything, I guess) and probably had more of an annoying hard time hearing anything about my pill, because I am currently having one of my ABOLUTELY AWFUL pill-exemplified PMS modes. I feel like a worthless human being, much worse than I used to be, with almost no good traits remaining within me.

I feel like I basically hate myself and am a stress causing un-fun burden to others.

I feel like most people in my age group do things to help their parents; instead my parents have to help me due to my unfortunate disabilities.

I also feel it is unlikely I will ever have another romantic partner, because what kind of normal human being would desire a non-driving, non-working, disabled middle-aged loony bin of a bitch brimming with freak outs and negativity? Probably nobody.

***

Usually my seizure pill is no huge deal – after having a couple months during which it made me feel low energy and drained, my body managed to get used to it and I started feeling more like myself again.

The main exception/bad side effect it does still have though, is that it sometimes seems to triple my PMS. Instead of just feeling overly sad during my PMS, with this pill, I feel worthless, and like WHY AM I EVEN ALIVE? I hate myself and feel like a total loser.

I know this doesn't really make good sense, but sometimes when I feel this way, it actually crossed my mind that I would RATHER be having a seizure than feeling like THIS.

There's really nothing much I can do about it I guess (unless I really do want to be more prone to seizures) – since it’s basically just a matter of dealing with it several days a month OR switching to another pill and finding out what crappy/low energy/personality changing side effects THAT one might have - and since this one is now at the point of just having that one crappy side effect, I guess I'll stick to this one - but as someone who has negative, self-deprecating tendencies anyway, I sure don’t enjoy these times during which those tendencies exemplify - and I hate myself and feel like there is absolutely nothing good about me- and like I am basically a worthless burden.

It doesn’t really help much when other people suggest what I should try (even if they mean well; such suggestions cause me to feel even more as if nobody will ever really like me the way I AM) - and it doesn’t help at ALL when someone ELSE informs me that something I’m (over)reacting to is no big deal or that my thoughts are SILLY.  I’ve gotten recent suggestions that I am overreacting and being silly from both a friend and now my mom  - and I guess they’re right, since I’ve now ruined a restaurant that I liked, due to one of my overreactions – and I might be ruining friendships too, because who would want to frequently put up with this kind of shit?

***

I ended up having a small Panic Attack late last night. Lately, I am having one of those weird phases, during which all kinds of stuff from my past is popping out of my head seemingly randomly – not in terms of words, but in terms of random yet strong imagery.

Last night, a while after I had laid down in bed, it was just pop pop pop pop pop pop – one image after the other, for no apparent reason – no matter how much I closed my eyes, placed the pillow on top of my head, and tried to control my thinking, all this visual imagery just kept popping around in my brain – most of it stuff from way back in college, but really visually specific.

I don’t remember the specific image that made this happen, but at about 3:30 A.M., I suddenly quickly sat up and opened my eyes, feeling panic. My body felt weird and I felt worried I might be on the brink of having another stroke or another seizure. I can’t really explain exactly how I felt, but it wasn’t good. I felt scared and as if I did not know what to so. I briefly got up and turned a light on. The extremely fast pace at which images from the past kept randomly popping out of my brain, caused it to cross my mind that maybe I was on the brink of dying and that’s why my brain was rapidly popping out past image after past image.

My left arms and leg were tingling and my head was racing and I couldn’t control it. Even the inside of my ears felt weird; not painful, but like they were tingling or buzzing or something.

Fortunately, it didn’t last very long this time – maybe half an hour or so.  But it sure wasn’t fun and I didn’t know what to do. Call my parents at 3:30 A.M.? Wake them up and tell them what? That I felt weird and didn’t know how to explain it, but was scared?

It’s times like those, I don’t like being by myself at night.

And it’s times like the last few days, I don’t really like being myself period.

Thirteen Myna Birds is new again! - with Love & Lust & Horror & Surgical Instrumentation

Thirteen Myna Birds is actually 15 Myna Birds this time!

Paige Theriot at the top AND the bottom - and in the midst, a coagulating conglomeration of  Sean McPherson, Adam Fieled, Michael Lee Johnson, Misti Rainwater-Lites, Valerie Loveland, Jeff Brandt, & Laura Zeng.

Here's a small fusion mix created with words/lines from the current innards:

"dense vacuum - quiet earnestness - green tinted glass - heart lightning flashed - body's corners - beneath your nails - jumps into ether - dolls melting - whiskey yell - bandages curve into waists and hips - pincurls undulating - a tray of surgical instruments - radiating skull - venomous heel spurts - cradling the underpinnings"

 Here's the bloggy style link -  http://13myna.blogspot.com/

forgot this semi-new painting of mine's title (would look at the back, but I gave it away)

I wish I could feel happy by myself AND accomplish more by myself

Although my thoughts/feeling below are not based upon no longer having a serious romantic relationship in my life, I will admit that recently ending the first serious romantic relationship since my divorce has substantially increased my negative feeling vibes lately.

Not negative vibes towards others so much as negative vibes towards myself. 

To be honest, sometimes I feel like I hate myself.

I feel as if there is nothing all that good or positive or likeable about me (except for occasional weird poetic tidbits, which most people can’t relate to).

I can force myself to act semi-normal, but there is nothing layed back inside my brain.

I feel like I’m almost never ‘in my element’ (except for sometimes when reading or writing or working on poetry or art; but rarely when working on anything real life oriented). 

Maybe I don’t have an element. Maybe I’ll almost always be un-elemental and alone and lonely.

For the most part, I am fine with living by myself (despite my lonely spells, sometimes overtaken by crying jags) – and spending alone time reading and writing and working on art stuff and otherwise being creatively productive – and playing with my dog/walking my dog – and interacting online. But for the most part I am NOT fine being alone outside my own space.   I wish I WAS.

My discomfort being by myself feelings are not primarily related to craving a special relationship.  I mentally freak out about going grocery shopping by myself or taking the greyhound or doing almost ANYTHING outside my own space by myself. Since I’m a non-driver, I took buses to and from work by myself for YEARS and walked a lot by myself, but NEVER became comfortable with it. I can FORCE myself to do things by myself and/or walk places by myself - and sometimes I do - but I never enjoy it (and am sometimes on the brink of having a panic attack during the walk).

Since I can't drive, what I can even TRY to do by myself is more limited. When I do try I have to deal with my directional issues and borderline panic attack issues of first GETTING THERE by myself and then HANGING OUT by myself  and then GETTING BACK by myself (and now hoping that my inward freaky outing does not cause me to have a seizure or something). It's not that it's impossible to force myself to do things like that; BUT it is such a personal struggle, that it's very un-enjoyable - and instead of making me feel better about myself, it usually makes me feel worse - for making a big huge mental deal about something that should be easy.

I feel like a direction-less misfit who is usually so very uncomfortable doing things by myself outside of my own space, that even if I try (which I sometimes do) and make it there safely and successfully (which I usually do), by that time I’m often sweating and have a stress-induced headache (from concentrating hard on direction and trying to tone down my ridiculous panic attack vibes that I’m about to get lost or hit by a car or shot or something) – to the point that when I get there, I can’t focus on happy, fun enjoyment.  Instead, I’m already focused on the  stress of getting myself back; instead of being able to focus on what I got there to do.

It bugs me when people suggest I should get my driver’s license – because if I felt the LEAST BIT comfortable driving, I would have gotten my driver's license by now.

I have tried seeing a few therapists, but I am anti-pill-popping - and all the therapists I've seen suggest a psych. drug almost immediately and that really turns me off. One of the last therapists I saw did offer a couple helpful suggestions that worked better for me - transcendental meditation and exercising more to get my endorphins flowing - but she ALSO suggested I get my driver’s license AND almost automatically suggested pills, both of which really bugged me. (Sometimes other people’s suggestions give me the impression that they think I haven’t really tried, but I think I have. I guess I’m too abnormal for my own good or something.)  Then there's the fact that at this point in my life I can't afford a therapist, so I can't try another one anyway.

I also can’t afford to be greyhounding it frequently – and so even though I like my house, sometime I feel like I made a mistake moving into an area where the only people I  really know are a few family members (and much as I like my family members, we have different lifestyles and there’s are largely kid focused), so I feel like I am in a position of having hardly any real life friends, real life contact, or real life activity outside of my own space, near where I live.

Oh how I wish I was the type of person who felt very comfortable doing things by myself outside of my space, but I’m not – and I’ve made attempts again & again for years and I’m still not.  I guess I will always be an over reactionary misfit prone to ridiculous freak outs.

I guess my brain is a malfunctioned mess – and I guess that nobody will ever desire to deal with it, except in small doses.