8/19/12

I wish I could feel happy by myself AND accomplish more by myself


Although my thoughts/feeling below are not based upon no longer having a serious romantic relationship in my life, I will admit that recently ending the first serious romantic relationship since my divorce has substantially increased my negative feeling vibes lately.

Not negative vibes towards others so much as negative vibes towards myself. 

To be honest, sometimes I feel like I hate myself.

I feel as if there is nothing all that good or positive or likeable about me (except for occasional weird poetic tidbits, which most people can’t relate to).

I can force myself to act semi-normal, but there is nothing layed back inside my brain.

I feel like I’m almost never ‘in my element’ (except for sometimes when reading or writing or working on poetry or art; but rarely when working on anything real life oriented). 

Maybe I don’t have an element. Maybe I’ll almost always be un-elemental and alone and lonely.

For the most part, I am fine with living by myself (despite my lonely spells, sometimes overtaken by crying jags) – and spending alone time reading and writing and working on art stuff and otherwise being creatively productive – and playing with my dog/walking my dog – and interacting online. But for the most part I am NOT fine being alone outside my own space.   I wish I WAS.

My discomfort being by myself feelings are not primarily related to craving a special relationship.  I mentally freak out about going grocery shopping by myself or taking the greyhound or doing almost ANYTHING outside my own space by myself. Since I’m a non-driver, I took buses to and from work by myself for YEARS and walked a lot by myself, but NEVER became comfortable with it. I can FORCE myself to do things by myself and/or walk places by myself - and sometimes I do - but I never enjoy it (and am sometimes on the brink of having a panic attack during the walk).

Since I can't drive, what I can even TRY to do by myself is more limited. When I do try I have to deal with my directional issues and borderline panic attack issues of first GETTING THERE by myself and then HANGING OUT by myself  and then GETTING BACK by myself (and now hoping that my inward freaky outing does not cause me to have a seizure or something). It's not that it's impossible to force myself to do things like that; BUT it is such a personal struggle, that it's very un-enjoyable - and instead of making me feel better about myself, it usually makes me feel worse - for making a big huge mental deal about something that should be easy.

I feel like a direction-less misfit who is usually so very uncomfortable doing things by myself outside of my own space, that even if I try (which I sometimes do) and make it there safely and successfully (which I usually do), by that time I’m often sweating and have a stress-induced headache (from concentrating hard on direction and trying to tone down my ridiculous panic attack vibes that I’m about to get lost or hit by a car or shot or something) – to the point that when I get there, I can’t focus on happy, fun enjoyment.  Instead, I’m already focused on the  stress of getting myself back; instead of being able to focus on what I got there to do.

It bugs me when people suggest I should get my driver’s license – because if I felt the LEAST BIT comfortable driving, I would have gotten my driver's license by now.

I have tried seeing a few therapists, but I am anti-pill-popping - and all the therapists I've seen suggest a psych. drug almost immediately and that really turns me off. One of the last therapists I saw did offer a couple helpful suggestions that worked better for me - transcendental meditation and exercising more to get my endorphins flowing - but she ALSO suggested I get my driver’s license AND almost automatically suggested pills, both of which really bugged me. (Sometimes other people’s suggestions give me the impression that they think I haven’t really tried, but I think I have. I guess I’m too abnormal for my own good or something.)  Then there's the fact that at this point in my life I can't afford a therapist, so I can't try another one anyway.

I also can’t afford to be greyhounding it frequently – and so even though I like my house, sometime I feel like I made a mistake moving into an area where the only people I  really know are a few family members (and much as I like my family members, we have different lifestyles and there’s are largely kid focused), so I feel like I am in a position of having hardly any real life friends, real life contact, or real life activity outside of my own space, near where I live.

Oh how I wish I was the type of person who felt very comfortable doing things by myself outside of my space, but I’m not – and I’ve made attempts again & again for years and I’m still not.  I guess I will always be an over reactionary misfit prone to ridiculous freak outs.

I guess my brain is a malfunctioned mess – and I guess that nobody will ever desire to deal with it, except in small doses.