4/7/12

CUT


I overreacted to a computer issue earlier this week; it turned out it was only my monitor that suddenly died, thank goodness – but I was worried that it might have been worse; that I might have lost years worth of words.  For several days I was mentally overreacting and feeling overly worried and overly negative about myself in a variety of ways. Even though I had not done anything in particular wrong, I was brimming with oodles of dislikes about myself.

An ongoing issue with the way my mind works is that sometimes if one unexpected, bad thing happens (even a smallish bad thing, such as my computer issue the other day), then my mind is prone to soon start thinking about other bad things that have recently happened or MIGHT happen in the future.  From health issue to divorce to what if nobody will ever again be able to really love me and what is there about me to love (nothing of much significance; I seem to be a weak downhill battleground). 

Then I will start thinking/worrying too much about the man I am currently involved with and feeling strongly about; I will feel uncertain about how he feels about me. We have known each other for about a year now. I can hardly believe how fast a year races by - and a year sure doesn't seem very long to me - I feel like we are still getting to know each other - but what if he’s the type of person who starts to get tired of/bored with someone after a year.  What if he is already craving someone more positive and more uplifting, instead of a little misshapen creep such as me?

That's the way my mind works/worries sometimes – questioning things too much and feeling overly negatively.  Other times I feel more happy, delighted and positive plus creative and productive.  Other times I’m back to thinking too much re: ‘What is the point?’ and/or feeling overly worried that I'm sure to lose everyone/everything. 

Even though I sometimes feel unworthy (even though I truly desire to be worthy of something powerful and positive), I also feel tired of losing lots of things that I had thought were real and strong and significant.  Was/is my mind WRONG about what is/is not significant?  Is nothing really significant for an extended time period?  Can anyone help me/convince me of my/their long significant powers? My writing can sometimes convince me and help me feel powerful and connected – and my writing has existed for MANY MANY MANY years. Thus, losing my writing would have felt like a last straw and it would have been hard not to chop some of my fingers off.