When I was younger, I used to wish I looked more pale and ghostly.
Now I don't want to become a ghost - I'm scared of falling asleep -
of falling into dreams - of falling down falling down falling down...
1. My grandpa called me. I didn’t hear anyone on the phone at first, but part of me knew it was him, even though he never calls me. Then he started to speak in a soft and powerless voice, telling me that he was dying.
2. My ex-husband and I got together. We seemed to be getting along well, feeling good about each other, and having a fun and enjoyable time together. We started kissing. Almost as soon as we lay on the bed together, he turned too strong, purposely trying to overpower me. He told me that he was going to crush me, make me bleed inside, and slowly but surely kill me.
3. Usually, when I decide to make myself wake up, it is easy. This time, I couldn’t do it. I felt like I was jerking around and screaming, “oh my god oh my god oh my god”!. I was trying to scream, but felt like it was barely emerging as a tiny whisper. I was trying to scream loud enough so that someone else would hear me and then help me wake up. At some point, my brain realized that I was by myself; there was nobody here to help me.
4. I finally managed to wake myself up, even though I still felt uncertain for a while as to whether or not I was really awake. I was laying still feeling scared; the insides of my body were making weird little clicking sounds. Even when I realized that I really was awake, my body kept clicking. I thought about how my insides have been feeling odd on and off for over a week now; not painful, but uncomfortable in an unusual way that I am not sure how to describe. Bodily clicking sounds? Moving my neck down and making my stomach and legs tingle? What the heck? (After my bad dream, I was lying there in bed, feeling scared, and thinking, “Please don’t let me have another stroke. Please don’t let me have another seizure. Please don’t let me be on the brink of dying.”)
Side note 1: Could this bad dream and my bodily tremors have been partially caused by watching horror movies - thinking back upon grandpa watching old-fashioned vampire flicks when I was visiting my grandparents as a little kid – my semi-recent liking of/dancing too much to techno-cheesy music (dancing by myself but often imagining myself dancing in the middle of two gay men; although I’m not trying to refer to my gay men dancing here, so much as my little head jerkings)?
Side note 2: My mom has repeatedly suggested I watch too many horror movies and maybe that’s what causes my bad dreams, BUT I also had plenty of scary bad dreams when I was a little kid who was not allowed to watch those kinds of movies. Maybe then it was related to my mom telling me too many late night tales that started based on the subject matter of ‘don’t talk to strangers’ and then delved into scary subject matter of people slashing legs, peeling off skin, and stabbing hideous liquids into necks.
At least one good thing about my bad dreams is that they can lead to interesting writings, including poetry.
I can creatively pretend that the strange tingling sensations in my neck/stomach/legs are glimmering glitter.