11/3/11

Just one against lots?

I desire to feel super-strongly about someone who is extra-special to me and vice versa but…

It is very hard for me to figure out exactly how I feel about someone and why due to my ongoing difficulties with memory issues related to SPECIFICS.

Mind you, I used to have great memory skills. I didn’t used to easily forget things both little and big.

But these days, since it is so hard for me to remember specific details, if someone starts interacting/communicating with me less than they used to, that might lesson our relationship (no matter how long our relationship has been going on), because I can’t specifically recall all the positive tidbits if they don’t continually happen.

Every week I seem to forget the specifics of many interactions, thus even if you said some fabulously positive and delightful and wonderful things to me last week, I’m back to worrying; wondering why you like me and if you still do. This is really frustrating to me; it is probably frustrating to you too – knowing you’ve expressed oodles of yummy remarks to me and wondering why I still seem doubtful and terribly insecure.

On one hand, I would like my strong FEELINGS to outweigh my worries; on the other hand, I think that people largely create their own feelings. Feelings are not necessarily based on how other people think/feel about you, as much as they are based on your own mind’s perceptions.

So one week you might offer oodles of scrumptious supportive remarks to/about me and it helps me feel utterly great; the next week I forget those words and start to deflate and feel doubtful again.

I wonder if I am someone extra-special to you or just another semi-interesting, semi-casual, semi-new friend who you might not be able to stay attuned to for a very long time due to my ongoing insecurity and other challenges.

Is anyone ever going to desire to adhere to my convoluted brain and stick with me again & again?

***

On a semi-related note (the next day), I sometimes think that I am semi-anti-social, compared to many of my friends, who are very fun sociable people. I tend to be more sociable in writing than I am in person.

And so with a man-friend I feel strongly about who has all kinds of other fun friends too, why would he want/need much more of me? Maybe I'm a draggy inundation of sorts instead of just another fun morsel of a more sizable feast.

Sometimes I'm fine with being by myself; sometimes I'm not. I don't like to watch movies by myself, for example, so I don't. So it was super-duper fun this past weekend to be inside an awesomely large artsy rococo theatre multiple times, seeing lots of darkly delicious, horrific horror movies with a yummy friend to squeeze up against.

Now I want to lie down with him, cuddle up with him, whisper with him, and watch lots more...

***

On another semi-related note, still looking at children’s books for therapy depresses me, stresses me out, and gives me a headache. I’d like to be above & beyond the First Picture Dictionary. I dislike looking at its kid oriented content (and some of the not so hot memories it stirs up in my mind) plus the rather ridiculous level of concentration it still requires from my brain. Words like pinky and index finger and bracelet don't make sense.

I worked on it for about 15 minutes and then felt so depressed/tired that I layed down and took a nap for a couple hours and why the heck not? What else am I going to do?I mean yes there's lots of stuff that I COULD work on, but is any of it really all that essential? Probably not.

I don't think I've ever been this much of a 'what is the point' type person in my life, but I sometimes am now. Sigh.

I wish to be impassioned again.