Marabou Deaths Head

I've been feeling low energy lately and that bothers me on several levels. I've always been a high energy, productive, passionate person, so feeling low energy is not my style and it worries me.

I’ve been frequently overly tired and am starting to think what if I have cancer or something (granted, I can sometimes be some sort of...what's the word? not “nymphomaniac” which suddenly semi-randomly spurted out of my head; not “kleptomaniac” either; probably not maniacal anything, but the word for people with a tendency to exaggerate possible health issues they might have; I don't do that all the time, BUT if I am more frequently than usual experiencing some symptom of physical discomfort, then that also seems to lead to more mental discomfort for me too).

So lately I’ve been thinking, “What if I have cancer?” and “What if I'm pregnant?” and then realizing that I can’t even remember the last time I’ve been to the doctor for a regular physical not to mention a gynecological exam (and why did the word “kleptomaniac” spurt forth again, before my brain got “gynecological”?;) I can hardly remember time/timing at all, but I do know that in more recent year(s), I had so many non-regular hospital/doctor appointments, that the regular visits stopped AND my health insurance changed AND my location changed and I’ve never been to a doctor in my current locale, so…

My over-tiredness made me think of cancer, because I remember my ex-husband telling me about how his first wife (who suddenly died young of cancer) had early symptoms of losing her energy and feeling overly tired. My pregnancy concern is because my stomach seems to be sticking out a little more than usual and feeling a bit oddly uncomfortable too. Is it my stomach or my cervix? I am not entirely sure. Do I need gynecological testing? Who wants to give it to me? (Just kidding and teasing my own sudden frequent infiltration of the “nymphomaniac” word.)

Speaking of teasing and words, this morning I thought about how yesterday my dad was jokingly making fun of someone because he drove past their garage sale sign and they had spelled the word “sale” wrong; they had spelled it “sail'. Even though I didn't say anything about this out loud, I IMMEDIATELY thought something like, “Well what if the person who wrote that sign had a stroke and that's why there spelling is off?” I used to be an excellent speller, but now I have trouble spelling easy little words; for example, the word of that thing you take flight upon at an airline - is it spelled “plane” or “plain"? I think it's “plane” but I'm not sure; I'm never sure. In fact, editing this very blog-style piece of writing, mainly due to spelling reasons, is literally giving me a headache right now. Oftentimes when I am unsure how to spell an easy word, I just switch to a different word (often a bigger word, oddly enough), so at least I have that capability.

Back to my possible new health issues, maybe I have just not been sleeping very well. Maybe I have often been staying up too late and ought to work harder on adhering to a more consistent sleep schedule. In any case, I sure did not stay up too late last night for cripes sake.

I was at my sister's place for several hours yesterday evening (with family members, dinner etc...) and got back to my place a little after 7:00. My other sister and her family checked out my new place for a little bit and then left. I played with Sockeye for a little bit. By the time it was only a little after 8:00, I was feeling really tired. This is nothing new these days. However, despite feeling tired, I usually stay up and work on things until about 2:00 A.M. (sometimes even later), in part because getting things done takes me longer than it used to. So last night I told myself I'd have a cup of coffee and then start working on Margaret’s chapbook for a while. I started drinking that cup of coffee and after just a few sips, I felt so tired that I told myself I would lie down for half an hour or so and then get into my swing of things. I'm not usually a nap taker at all, so this was already unusual for me. I took another sip of coffee and then placed my coffee next to my bed and laid down.

It wasn’t even 9:00 yet when I laid down, but I ended up laying down and resting until after 11:00, STILL felt really tired after that, and so decided that instead of getting up at midnight and then maybe staying up way too late, I was just going to bed for the night. So I did. I meant to bed at 9:00 for fuck sake.

Since I went to bed at 9:00, I was not about to sleep in as late as I usually do, so I got up at about 5:30 in the morning. It was actually quite interesting to get up much earlier than usual (even though I STILL felt tired) because when I first took Sockeye out for a walk, I loved the cool almost autumnal way it felt outside.

While walking Sockeye, I saw this other little disabled creature (I can't think of its name; it's a creature that is very similar in size and shape to a mouse, but has a different kind of mouth). Unlike some people, I like mice and mousy critters. This critter was alive but lying on its back, moving around as if it couldn't get upright on its stomach. I carefully used my leg to shift it upright, but then found out that something was seriously wrong with it, because it swiftly shifted onto its back again; then I realized that it was uncomfortably twitching rather than simply stuck in an unusual position. I made a second attempt to position it upright, but no luck. The creature continued to twitch and I felt strangely sad.

A few minutes later, I took Sockeye back into our home, but then went back outside with my camera and took a few pictures of the twitching creature (only a few, thinking that if someone happened to see me doing so, that might seem rather perverted, or worse yet what if they thought I had smashed the creature and now was taking perverse photos; this is the way my weird mind works sometimes). Interestingly enough, less than a month ago, I took a substantial amount of photos of a dead baby mouse (as did my artsy photographer friend K. who was visiting me for a few days, thus I am not the only one who enjoys unusual photos), but that creature was dead not twitching and about to die.

Less than half an hour later, when I walked back out to look again, it was gone. Perhaps a bird seized it up.

As for me, despite having now been up for more than five hours (whereas I would usually just be getting up at this hour), I have not gotten much accomplished yet today, I am STILL feeling tired, and my head hurts.

P.S. Mole. (Pasta.)


New update: Today will walking Sockeye, he suddenly started rolling on the ground. He is not the type of dog with a tendency to roll around in other dog's shit, so I looked to say what on earth he was rolling upon. It happened to be a dead version of the above mole that I photographed a few days back while it was alive and twitching. Perhaps it was dropped back down to the ground by a huge death's head moth. In any case, I have now found out that my dog likes rolling around upon death rather than rolling around upon shit. No wonder he's my dog.