Do you ever wonder if you somehow accidentally manage to
make someone worse then they usually are – because they seem to act nice and
caring to most other people, but were often mean and uncaring to you? Do you ever wonder if it was somehow all your
fault because you were weak, overly needy, and not wonderful enough? (I do.)
Do you ever worry that you might be overly negative for
most people’s liking and even if your condescension is not towards others, but
is focused on yourself, it still might come across as unlikable and/or
annoying? (I do.)
Do you sometimes start to notice that someone you thought
was a good close friend sometimes responds to you but other times ignores you
and maybe it’s because they’re tired of your over the top little freak outs and
so would rather just role their eyes and focus elsewhere? (I do).
Do you ever feel overly hurt/upset because some of your
favorite people seem to be far more focused on other people/other stuff than
they are on you? What if your favorite person seems to be much more focused on
his family than he is on you? Would that
make you feel uncomfortable; like maybe you’re not good enough or significant
enough or special enough?
Do you ever feel sad, hurt, and worried that you will
NEVER EVER be someone’s favorite thing, EVER AGAIN?
Yes part of me also realizes that much of this insecurity
is borderline absurd and I should quit allowing myself to focus on it. If I’m feeling down, I should focus on poetry
(which I often do), because poetry might be the only thing that will ALWAYS
stay with me in a wonderful, creative way.
Yes part of me thinks I should focus more on feeling better/more
strongly/more powerfully about myself and liking myself more. But that’s hard for some people – and for
whatever reason, I am one of those people, who occasionally feels pretty good
about myself, but other times thinks/feels that I am not good enough and never
will be. Not good enough for WHAT though?
If I’m not good enough to keep a few close friends then I guess I should
just stick to poetry and myself – sometimes feeling very sad and lonely and
upset – but at least not having to screw up others with my feelings. Sometimes I feel as if my poetry is better
than the ‘real life’ me – and sometimes that weirdly hurts my feelings...
