Me on October 17, 2025, my 53rd birthday...

 

My last selfie of me (and the doom bunny) while I'm still 52.

Speed racing faster and faster (a few days before I turn 53)...

One thing about pretty much all photos or posts when I check out my facebook Memories lately is that many of them do not feel anywhere near as old as they tell me that they are. Like in terms of the passage of time and how my brain works. Sometimes photos from 5 Years Ago feel they were more like 2 Years Ago (or a little more or a little less, because numbers and time are ongoing confusion)...

Then I'll see some Memory from 1 or 2 Years Ago that feels like it was just a few months ago or less than half a year.

Is it like this for everyone? The older you get, the more time feels like it's speed racing by, faster and faster and faster?

For me, time already felt like it was moving fast when I was in my late teens. Then I didn't want my 4 year college experience to end as quickly as it felt like it did. Then suddenly I was about to turn 30 (which seemed way too old to me at that time). Then I was about to turn 40, but still felt like I was in good shape physically.

Then shortly after turning 43, I started to semi-randomly gain weight and have various other unenjoyable perimenopausal symptoms that lasted for years, but I don't want to get into that, other than that happened too past too.

Now I'll be turning 53 in just a few short days (well actually tomorrow).

And now I'm this (more than?) middle-aged woman who doesn't feel as old as I actually am mentally (whatever that means) and who doesn't feel as old as I look and who doesn't want to keep getting older so fast, but you either keep getting older or you die and I hate death (and the older you get, the more people you know die).

And back to how fast time goes. It's been moving fast for me for a long time, but in more recent years, it seems increasingly ridiculously faster.

On a side note, I've not been a fan of traditional holiday seasons for years, but anymore time seems to move so darn fast, that it's hard to tell the difference between one holiday season and the next, which in a way makes it feel even worse (or more meaningless?). Like let's just jumpstart from this Thanksgiving and Christmas to the next in the click of a finger.

Also since I'm one of those women who doesn't regularly buy new clothes (and who doesn't quickly and easily throw old things away), I might have variations of the same clothing on in multiple photos for an entire decade that feels like less than a year. Okay that last part might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I shall leave it at that for now...

A photo of me exorcising, I mean reading, some of my poetry (and more)...

A photo of me exorcising, I mean reading, some of my poetry, as one of the Featured Readers at Uncloistered Poetry Live, October 11, 2025, at the Attic on Adams.

First Featured Reading in well over a year. Last Featured Reading at the age I am now.

Reading a poem from my most recently published poetry chapbook, "Blue Stingers Instead of Wings", which is still available and which shall be linked to below. 

My most recent poetry chapbook that I'm reading a poem from here, Blue Stingers Instead of Wings, is indeed still available from its publisher Pure Sleeze Press HERE - https://puresleezepress.bigcartel.com/

Or from my own Blood Pudding Press shop HERE - https://www.etsy.com/listing/4314653197/new-blue-stingers-instead-of-wings-by

AND in additional exciting poetry news, the poem I read from this chapbook Saturday evening, "Severed Into Unspeakable Compliance" was nominated for a Pushcart Prize the same evening I was reading it, unbeknownst to me until I saw the nomination hours later!

Heck, maybe I received the nomination while in the time frame of reading that poem!

Thank you very much to Pure Sleeze Press!

And congratulations to the other nominees!

NEW! My Poem “Residual Fitting Room Inside Which Nothing Fits” has managed to fit its way into MasticadoresUsa!

"You feel like you don’t fit in anywhere
and sometimes that’s hard to handle
even though you don’t particularly care

about fitting in. You care about being yourself,
but what if yourself mostly only exists inside
your own mind’s mirror?"

the beginning of my poem “Residual Fitting Room Inside Which Nothing Fits”, which is newly appearing in MasticadoresUsa

 
read more here - https://masticadoresusa.wordpress.com/2025/10/13/residual-fitting-room-inside-which-nothing-fits-by-juliet-cook/

HAPPY OCTOBER

NEW! FIVE new poems of mine are newly appearing in American Poet! AND FIVE more new poems of mine are newly appearing in Bionik Pussy!

Happy end of September and happy poetry power! 

As of Sunday September 28, five new poems of mine are newly appearing at American Poet! 

The first three are interconnected or maybe they all are in a way. Past memories, dreams, interpretations...

Here are a few lines from one of those poems, followed by a link to all five poems:


"I still forget certain words sometimes
or maybe it's a misperception or maybe it's all a dream.

In one of my recent dreams, pets who misbehaved
were cut in half like they were part of an evil
carnival sideshow. Their skin was sliced off.
They were dissected to teach us a lesson,
but what was the lesson?"

in my poem "PAIGE THREE"

read more of my poetry in American Poet HERE - https://www.americanpoet.org/2025/09/juliet-cooks-poetry-popular-american.html

***

Then as of Monday September 29, five more new poems of mine are appearing as PUSSY SHOTS in the new Bionik Pussy!

Here are a few lines from one of those poems, followed by a link to all five poems: 

"Dead Saints tortured and burnt are coming
back to life in my dreams tonight and I am
pissing on the floor in a strobe light dance club
while wearing a tight lioness costume whose color
reminds me of acid induced sunflowers

screaming again..."

in my poem "SMOLDERING OBSERVATORY"

read more of my poetry in Bionik Pussy HERE - https://bionikpussy.com/2025/09/29/pussy-shots-juliet-cook/

A NEW Fall 2025 Flock of Thirteen Myna Birds is HERE!

Happy Autumn from Thirteen Myna Birds!

Summer has segued into fall and a new flock of Thirteen Myna Birds has arrived! Currently offering 17 new poems by John Andrew Fredrick, Scott Ferry, Merritt Waldon, Luis Cuauhtémoc Berriozábal, John Grey, Denise Gilchrist, Bradford Middleton, Charlie Brice, and Wayne F Burke!

More poems shall be added throughout October too, if all goes according to plan.

"make a lantern for us to hold up, a trophy - or a branch with a raven perched on it - The gibbous moon dances - a gawking fish twisting - in those videos where time is speeded up - the plaintive trill of a cricket has coaxed a star out of the ink - smoking, Drinking and writing again - in the air, in the hot violet night air - The carpet came alive - Mind on skull raft - White dawn lily left for cemetery stone - Memory floats through time lost - the sad moon lies comatose - The house is unsettled - through my dead wires and rotting tongue - what animated the flesh has fled - Its sadness witnessed through the ages - sing my pain to sleep by whistling imaginary air - a martyr of the sky brightening the dark night - surrounding you like an immediate fractal séance"

Read more HERE - https://13myna.blogspot.com/

Another variation of a disturbing dream within a dream (false awakening)....

Another side note related to the unsettling dream I had during a nap Sunday evening (in which three different times, I thought I had woken myself up, but then realized I was still stuck in the dream).

I had thought it was likely a lucid dream, but I just looked up lucid dreaming and the description was a little different than I remembered or thought, in that it seems like oftentimes with lucid dreams, you're aware that you're having a dream and can somewhat control the dream. Then I saw a description for what's referred to as a false awakening/vivid dream that seems closer to what I sometimes experience. Or perhaps a variation of both. But with me, in addition to not realizing I'm dreaming (until I wake up or shortly before that), I also can't control the dream, and have some trouble waking myself up (which is what makes it extra disturbing - not realizing I'm dreaming and thus not being able to wake myself up and then having more trouble than usual waking myself up even after I do realize - because with my more regular dreams, even if it's a disturbing or violent one, I am aware that it's a dream and do not usually have a huge problem waking myself up from it if I want to/choose to do so...)...

Part of some description of false awakening dreams (from Wikipedia):

"A false awakening is a vivid and convincing occurrence in a dream where one experiences awakening from sleep, though in reality continues to sleep. It is mostly associated with another dream, however it may occur as its own. After a false awakening, subjects often dream they are performing their daily morning routine such as showering or eating breakfast. False awakenings, mainly those in which one dreams that they have awoken from a sleep that featured dreams, take on aspects of a double dream or a dream within a dream...

Studies have shown that false awakening is closely related to lucid dreaming that often transforms into one another. The only differentiating feature between them is that the dreamer has a logical understanding of the dream in a lucid dream, while that is not the case in a false awakening.

Once one realizes they are falsely awakened, they either wake up or begin lucid dreaming."

Another personal example of one of these false awakening/vivid dreams was this time when I felt like I had woken up and gotten out of bed, but felt really off-kilter and edgy and like something was weirdly awry, but didn't know what or why and so I walked to my bedroom mirror to look and see if something was wrong with my face and then I saw these empty holes where my eyes used to be and I was like, "Oh my god, I have no eyes, my eyes are gone, what happened to my eyes!?!" But then I was like, "Wait, if I had no eyes, I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror and SEE that I had no eyes" and then I realized I was still stuck in some unsettling dream state, but even after realizing that, I had trouble waking myself up. That's the disturbing thing with these dreams for me. At first, I don't even realize it's a dream, but then even when I do, I have trouble opening my eyes and re-entering real life reality.

Another personal example (the first one I remember) was way back when I was in college and had my own individual dorm room. I felt like I had woken up but was walking around in circles in my room, feeling edgy and uncomfortable and didn't know why. I thought maybe what had woken me up was some sort of uncomfortable sound. I walked to my door to peak out the peephole and saw a man with a gun standing right outside my door and he was about to shoot me. But then I realized my door didn't actually have a peephole, which caused me to realize I was still stuck in a dream.

A more recent personal example would be a few years ago when I had a seizure in a dream (I didn't have a real seizure, it just happened in the dream, which has actually happened more than once, which sort of sucks, because my seizures are confusing enough in real life). When I have one of my seizures in real life, my brain is confused and discombobulated for about half an hour to an hour afterwards. At first, I don't know what day it is, I don't know what time it is, I don't remember what I was doing before it happened, I have trouble using my phone, I have more memory issues than usual and more word issues than usual and everything is confusing. Well the dream in which I had a seizure exaggerated that sort of stuff even more. I thought I'd had a seizure in bed and had woken myself up and was now trying to figure out what to do. My house was dark and confusing. I was having trouble seeing and there seemed to be a power outage with the lighting. Then I felt like someone was trying to break into my house from the garage, based on some sound I heard in the garage. Then I felt like maybe someone was already in my house because I walked into the main room to try to turn a light on and a light bulb had been removed and there was a broken balloon affixed to the area where that light bulb used to be and I hadn't put it there. This particular dream that I didn't realize was a dream had me seeing strange things in my own home and trying to hide or figure out what to do. I thought about going into my garage but I thought someone was in there. I thought about running out my front door, but then what? At the time, there was a great deal of snow on the ground and all I had on was my pajamas.

ANYWAY, this is getting too long, but part of what I'm saying is whatever these sort of dreams are (lucid dreams or false awakening/vivid dreams or some sort of combination), I don't realize it's a dream at first, and then I have a hard time waking myself up, and after that, I remember a lot of details from the dream including visuals and the visuals tend to be pretty realistic and associated with my own space and it's a little too creepazoidacle, but at least I can somehow incorporate it into some poetry?

Drooling or Melting or Staining the Sheet (Three Interconnected Dreams)...

Woke myself up from a nap, was having trouble seeing anything, was stepping on and bumping into stuff on my bedroom floor as I attempted to segue from my bedroom to my main room. Finally made it to the doorway leading into that main room and there was a deer standing in my main room. I gasped, stepped back into the bedroom, shut the door, and felt panic and uncertainty about what to do next. Thought about calling my mom, but was still having trouble seeing and figuring out how to use my phone. At some point, I finally realized I only THOUGHT I had woken myself up and was stuck in dream land and then made an effort to wake myself up again. Thought I had done so a second time (still had trouble seeing and confusion), then realized AGAIN, I was STILL in bed. I don't remember the details of the second dream state that well.

Then I made an effort to wake myself a THIRD time and this time when I'd woken myself up, I could see better (or I actually turned on the light) and was staring at my bed with confusion, because a light purple blanket was covering the bed and I'm someone who doesn't regularly make the bed let alone sleep on top of the covers. Then I internally worried that someone had somehow snuck into my home and made the bed for me and who knows what else. Then I slowly began to pull down the covers that I had apparently slept on top of and there was a dog treat (which looked like a Milk-Bone biscuit) near the top of my bed and it was wet as though something had been licking it. Mind you, I don't have a dog in my home in recent years. Then the dog biscuit started drooling or melting or staining the sheet.

Then I realized I STILL hadn't actually woken myself up and I started to worry that perhaps I was dying. It's not like I've never had times before where I thought I had woken myself up from a dream and then realized I hadn't, but it doesn't usually happen three times in a row, with three different variations. Then I finally DID manage to actually wake myself up. Unless I just THINK I'm typing this but am still in bed. This is part of the reason I don't frequently take naps.

On a side note, the dog treat under the covers kind of reminded me of a hotel that puts chocolates on the pillows. Except the dog treat was in my own home, on my own bed, underneath the covers, wet, drooly and if it had been left for me, I didn't know who had left it or why.

On another side note, the deer in my main room, after I was finally awake, caused me to think of the white horse in Twin Peaks. (I'm not going to analyze that right now, but I will say I'm not on any drugs, other than my seizure pill). Furthermore, when sitting in the passenger seat earlier today, I did see a dead deer in someone's front yard.