9/30/11
negative
Ongoing sleep issues, possibly related to my new seizure pill seem to be causing increasing slowness and negativity. I am having yet another overly tired, not getting anywhere near enough done day, plus having trouble with easy little words (still - forever?) and getting increasingly frustrated by that. I'm not reading and writing nearly enough. I'm not doing ANYTHING enough. I feel like I could just sleep & sleep & sleep forever. I have never had that experience before in my life. I have to force myself awake every morning. I'm slow and tired almost all day long. I sometimes feel as if I barely exist anymore.
9/21/11
I’d like to think I have a lot more to offer than my holes
Anyone who likes my holes better than they like my convoluted but still complex brain waves, my thoughts, my feelings, my mental extremities, should just go find themselves another pussy.
Since when did pussies like to be domesticated or dominated?
Fine maybe I liked that at some point in time, but not at this point in time, that’s for sure. Domination does not make me purr; nor does it make me whimper in a fun/sexy way – at least not fun/sexy for ME – and at this point, I definitely do not want to just please another, not really caring if he pleases me.
If you’re the type who really likes dominating a woman who really likes to be controlled, then you are not the type for me. Even the words ‘domination’ and ‘control’ turn me off, at this point in my life. I do not want to be dominated or controlled at all, sexually speaking or otherwise.
I do not want to be ordered around. I understand that turns some people on; fine; but I am not one of them. I like having my hands held down, because I like to be held and touched all kinds of different places and all kinds of different ways by a hot partner I feel truly strongly about.
I like to feel his body on top of/underneath/against/inside my body in all kinds of positions and styles and vice versa. But I don’t like him (or me) being in control and me (or him) just doing what we’re told in any kind of dominating way. I really like strong intensity, but I dislike aggression or strong assertiveness.
Tell me what you’re going to do to my body because you know I want you too. Tell me what you want to do to me, because you know I desire it and want you to tempt me and tease me. Tell me what you want me to do to you; what would really arouse you. But not in a controlling way. Instead, tell me in a really turned on, excited, sweet/dirty fusion of intensity.
Whisper in my ears, stick your tongue inside me, touch me all over. Sometimes I like soft, sweet physical contact; sometimes I like rough, dirty physicality; but I sure as heck don’t like aggression or control. I understand some people have a sexual fetish for controlling/being controlled; that is fine for them; but that is not my fetish and not fine for me.
I’ve had enough controlling people in my life, trying to tell me what to do; trying to tell me what I should do, whether I want to or not. Thus, those kinds of interactions do not turn me on sexually, at all. I’m not anti-kink; I’m not anti-fetish; but I do not have a dominant/submissive kink or fetish.
Tell me what you’re going to do to me because you know it will excite/arouse me. Tell me what you want me to do to you because you know I adore you and desire contact/connection with our body parts and deep inside your mind. Whisper and press yourself into me, but do not yell at me to do something right now or else.
‘I know you want to…’ turns me on. ‘Do this right now or else…’ turns me off.
Someone that is more interested in my holes than my ears and my wrists and my legs and my socks and my thoughts and my feelings and my brain and my WORDS grosses me out.
*
On a semi-unrelated but semi-related note, I am really into Kristin Hersh today. I have loved her music for years and truly am adoring some of her older songs today.
Since when did pussies like to be domesticated or dominated?
Fine maybe I liked that at some point in time, but not at this point in time, that’s for sure. Domination does not make me purr; nor does it make me whimper in a fun/sexy way – at least not fun/sexy for ME – and at this point, I definitely do not want to just please another, not really caring if he pleases me.
If you’re the type who really likes dominating a woman who really likes to be controlled, then you are not the type for me. Even the words ‘domination’ and ‘control’ turn me off, at this point in my life. I do not want to be dominated or controlled at all, sexually speaking or otherwise.
I do not want to be ordered around. I understand that turns some people on; fine; but I am not one of them. I like having my hands held down, because I like to be held and touched all kinds of different places and all kinds of different ways by a hot partner I feel truly strongly about.
I like to feel his body on top of/underneath/against/inside my body in all kinds of positions and styles and vice versa. But I don’t like him (or me) being in control and me (or him) just doing what we’re told in any kind of dominating way. I really like strong intensity, but I dislike aggression or strong assertiveness.
Tell me what you’re going to do to my body because you know I want you too. Tell me what you want to do to me, because you know I desire it and want you to tempt me and tease me. Tell me what you want me to do to you; what would really arouse you. But not in a controlling way. Instead, tell me in a really turned on, excited, sweet/dirty fusion of intensity.
Whisper in my ears, stick your tongue inside me, touch me all over. Sometimes I like soft, sweet physical contact; sometimes I like rough, dirty physicality; but I sure as heck don’t like aggression or control. I understand some people have a sexual fetish for controlling/being controlled; that is fine for them; but that is not my fetish and not fine for me.
I’ve had enough controlling people in my life, trying to tell me what to do; trying to tell me what I should do, whether I want to or not. Thus, those kinds of interactions do not turn me on sexually, at all. I’m not anti-kink; I’m not anti-fetish; but I do not have a dominant/submissive kink or fetish.
Tell me what you’re going to do to me because you know it will excite/arouse me. Tell me what you want me to do to you because you know I adore you and desire contact/connection with our body parts and deep inside your mind. Whisper and press yourself into me, but do not yell at me to do something right now or else.
‘I know you want to…’ turns me on. ‘Do this right now or else…’ turns me off.
Someone that is more interested in my holes than my ears and my wrists and my legs and my socks and my thoughts and my feelings and my brain and my WORDS grosses me out.
*
On a semi-unrelated but semi-related note, I am really into Kristin Hersh today. I have loved her music for years and truly am adoring some of her older songs today.
9/16/11
Profiles in Poetics: Juliet Cook
Aesthetic Diversity of Women Writers in the 21st Century
(interview questions answered by me and asked by Jillian Mukavetz, which originally appeared upon the Women's Quarterly Conversation online site)
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/8400339/profiles_in_poetics_juliet_cook.html?cat=72
(interview questions answered by me and asked by Jillian Mukavetz, which originally appeared upon the Women's Quarterly Conversation online site)
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/8400339/profiles_in_poetics_juliet_cook.html?cat=72
9/11/11
more blood pudding letters
When ladling this blood pudding into serving containers, consider hiding a peeled grape eyeball on the bottom. Slurptastic!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/80739335/new-letters-from-room-27-of-the-grand
http://www.etsy.com/listing/80739335/new-letters-from-room-27-of-the-grand
giving/receiving
I am tired of the type of people who seem to think about themselves too much in terms of money and items and care; who seem to think about themselves more than others, no matter what.
Yes we should think about ourselves in terms of what is important to us and what we are passionate about; in terms of what we want to do with our lives and goals and what we should focus on; but NOT in terms of what we should receive from others.
I don't like the type of people who seem to think, "Other people should give me this. Other people should give me that. People should do this for me. People should do that for me. People should feel sorry for me. Woe is me. Woe is me." Especially when there is no real ongoing woe.
I truly hope I never come across as a person like that. If I ever have, I am truly sorry.
I think people should focus on helping themselves instead of expecting others to help them and frequently complaining about how others don't help them enough.
I sometimes like helping and I really like giving, but only to the type who pay attention to my offerings, appreciate my offerings, and give back - instead of not really noticing, not really caring, and not really appreciating until they get so much more and then not even noticing that. Just sort of automatically expecting others to give to them, but hardly ever giving much in return.
If you get depressed and expect others to give and you will take take take take take take but don't truly appreciate it, then get away from me please. If you're a woe is me, take take take, complain complain complain, take complain take complain and feel sorry for yourself as though you're some sort of woeful martyr; if you take and don't appreciate and take and don't appreciate and instead complain as though you're not getting enough, get away from me right now.
I've had enough men in my life who take more than they give and don't appreciate what I give (or what anyone else gives, unless it's a substantial amount of money, given repeatedly). I've had more than enough of that.
I strongly desire to give to other givers. I do not wish to give to thoughtless takers.
I wish to give myself to those who give themselves to me. Then I would give and give and give forever.
Yes we should think about ourselves in terms of what is important to us and what we are passionate about; in terms of what we want to do with our lives and goals and what we should focus on; but NOT in terms of what we should receive from others.
I don't like the type of people who seem to think, "Other people should give me this. Other people should give me that. People should do this for me. People should do that for me. People should feel sorry for me. Woe is me. Woe is me." Especially when there is no real ongoing woe.
I truly hope I never come across as a person like that. If I ever have, I am truly sorry.
I think people should focus on helping themselves instead of expecting others to help them and frequently complaining about how others don't help them enough.
I sometimes like helping and I really like giving, but only to the type who pay attention to my offerings, appreciate my offerings, and give back - instead of not really noticing, not really caring, and not really appreciating until they get so much more and then not even noticing that. Just sort of automatically expecting others to give to them, but hardly ever giving much in return.
If you get depressed and expect others to give and you will take take take take take take but don't truly appreciate it, then get away from me please. If you're a woe is me, take take take, complain complain complain, take complain take complain and feel sorry for yourself as though you're some sort of woeful martyr; if you take and don't appreciate and take and don't appreciate and instead complain as though you're not getting enough, get away from me right now.
I've had enough men in my life who take more than they give and don't appreciate what I give (or what anyone else gives, unless it's a substantial amount of money, given repeatedly). I've had more than enough of that.
I strongly desire to give to other givers. I do not wish to give to thoughtless takers.
I wish to give myself to those who give themselves to me. Then I would give and give and give forever.
9/8/11
PMS or new pills or a fusion of the two?
On the icky/scary side -
Terrible, terrible PMS while in bed the night before last; lying there for a long time crying and feeling really sad.
Then all of the sudden I felt paralyzed.
I usually lie straight on my back in bed, but during my crying spell I had switched to lying on my side and lifted my legs up, almost as if in a hugging myself position. Maybe I had suddenly fallen asleep - but all of the sudden, I couldn't move, couldn't see, couldn't open my eyes, and felt paralyzed and scared (in part because I couldn’t open my eyes and felt paralyzed in bed, after having my stroke – you can read a little more about that here: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2807396/poststroke_survival_and_sad_little.html?cat=70).
It was almost as if I couldn't make myself awaken from a bad dream – but usually, I can easily wake myself up from dreams – and also there was no dream IMAGERY. I just felt strangely blinded, paralyzed and trapped.
I finally managed to make myself wake up and shifted my position and kept my eyes open for a while (despite feeling very tired) because I felt scared that what if I was on the brink of having another stroke or a seizer or something (here’s my recent blog post about a very recent possible seizure I had, for which I was prescribed a special pill - http://doppelgangrene.blogspot.com/2011/08/seizure-horror-fest.html).
*
For the most part I am anti-pill, anti-psyche drug that is (unless someone really needs one for serious depression issues or the like; but I often think therapists and psychiatrists are too quick to prescribe pills and people are too quick to start taking them). Granted, the pill I was prescribed was not depression related; it was seizure related; BUT they are not even sure I had a seizure – and I definitely worry about pill’s side effects, especially if they might change my personality, dampen my energy, reduce my sex drive or make me less caring and/or less passionate.
Due to my anti-pill tendencies, I have not been researching my new pill (because then if I read about any negative side effects, I think I might just stop taking it or at least feel rather depressed). Instead, my mom has been conducting some research for me; she's read both some positives and some negatives; but overall, not very much negative about this pill. Also, aside from seeming to have even more irregular sleep patterns than usual lately (and having a hard time falling asleep, no matter how extremely tired I feel), it has not seemed to change my personality at all, at least not at this point in time.
But when I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday morning (crying about how nobody likes me very much and I’m hardly reading & writing anymore & I’m incredibly, ridiculously slow at things and more and now this weird dream state), she said she had read comments from several people with PMS issues that this pill made their PMS even worse.
Hmmm.
So it might just be a fluke; it might not be - but I have felt awfully sad and upset and disappointed the last few days. I don’t feel like the pill has led to any emotional/mental/physical changes until possibly now – until this even more extreme than usual PMS festival of awful sadness. These sad questioning feelings of ‘What the heck am I DOING?’
***
On the yummy/good side -
One thing that very much lifted my spirits last night was when I got home from running some errands and then opened my front door to take Sockeye out for a walk and there was a bright violet vase brimming with a beautiful assortment of purple flowers awaiting me upon my front porch.
I had no idea who they were from until I looked at the little card affixed to the gorgeous arrangement and found out they were an unexpected gift from my delightful PoetJoe.
What a perfect day to receive such a beautiful offering from such a scrumptiously beautiful man.
I couldn’t help but wonder if Joe might be psychic, because I had not talked to him in a few days, so he was not aware of my PMS issues, but the card accompanying the flowers said, "Wish I Was There. Feel Good".
Today I put on shorts that remind me of UPS driver shorts (and Joe) and COOKIES knee highs which remind me of my friend Margaret (who gave me a Sock Dreams gift card from which I bought these fun socks) and even though I still have PMS, it makes me feel much better to think about two delicious poet people who really like me and vice versa.
New sock and flower photos coming semi-soon.
*
P.S. Speaking of Margaret, her haunted treasure trove of poetry is available in the Blood Pudding Press etsy shop here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/80739335/new-letters-from-room-27-of-the-grand
Plus a Halloween Darkly Delicious Combo Pack here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/81271959/halloween-darkly-delicious-combo-pack?ref=v1_other_1
Plus a variety of other odd Halloween-y goodies here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/BloodPuddingPress?section_id=10388961
Terrible, terrible PMS while in bed the night before last; lying there for a long time crying and feeling really sad.
Then all of the sudden I felt paralyzed.
I usually lie straight on my back in bed, but during my crying spell I had switched to lying on my side and lifted my legs up, almost as if in a hugging myself position. Maybe I had suddenly fallen asleep - but all of the sudden, I couldn't move, couldn't see, couldn't open my eyes, and felt paralyzed and scared (in part because I couldn’t open my eyes and felt paralyzed in bed, after having my stroke – you can read a little more about that here: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2807396/poststroke_survival_and_sad_little.html?cat=70).
It was almost as if I couldn't make myself awaken from a bad dream – but usually, I can easily wake myself up from dreams – and also there was no dream IMAGERY. I just felt strangely blinded, paralyzed and trapped.
I finally managed to make myself wake up and shifted my position and kept my eyes open for a while (despite feeling very tired) because I felt scared that what if I was on the brink of having another stroke or a seizer or something (here’s my recent blog post about a very recent possible seizure I had, for which I was prescribed a special pill - http://doppelgangrene.blogspot.com/2011/08/seizure-horror-fest.html).
*
For the most part I am anti-pill, anti-psyche drug that is (unless someone really needs one for serious depression issues or the like; but I often think therapists and psychiatrists are too quick to prescribe pills and people are too quick to start taking them). Granted, the pill I was prescribed was not depression related; it was seizure related; BUT they are not even sure I had a seizure – and I definitely worry about pill’s side effects, especially if they might change my personality, dampen my energy, reduce my sex drive or make me less caring and/or less passionate.
Due to my anti-pill tendencies, I have not been researching my new pill (because then if I read about any negative side effects, I think I might just stop taking it or at least feel rather depressed). Instead, my mom has been conducting some research for me; she's read both some positives and some negatives; but overall, not very much negative about this pill. Also, aside from seeming to have even more irregular sleep patterns than usual lately (and having a hard time falling asleep, no matter how extremely tired I feel), it has not seemed to change my personality at all, at least not at this point in time.
But when I talked to my mom on the phone yesterday morning (crying about how nobody likes me very much and I’m hardly reading & writing anymore & I’m incredibly, ridiculously slow at things and more and now this weird dream state), she said she had read comments from several people with PMS issues that this pill made their PMS even worse.
Hmmm.
So it might just be a fluke; it might not be - but I have felt awfully sad and upset and disappointed the last few days. I don’t feel like the pill has led to any emotional/mental/physical changes until possibly now – until this even more extreme than usual PMS festival of awful sadness. These sad questioning feelings of ‘What the heck am I DOING?’
***
On the yummy/good side -
One thing that very much lifted my spirits last night was when I got home from running some errands and then opened my front door to take Sockeye out for a walk and there was a bright violet vase brimming with a beautiful assortment of purple flowers awaiting me upon my front porch.
I had no idea who they were from until I looked at the little card affixed to the gorgeous arrangement and found out they were an unexpected gift from my delightful PoetJoe.
What a perfect day to receive such a beautiful offering from such a scrumptiously beautiful man.
I couldn’t help but wonder if Joe might be psychic, because I had not talked to him in a few days, so he was not aware of my PMS issues, but the card accompanying the flowers said, "Wish I Was There. Feel Good".
Today I put on shorts that remind me of UPS driver shorts (and Joe) and COOKIES knee highs which remind me of my friend Margaret (who gave me a Sock Dreams gift card from which I bought these fun socks) and even though I still have PMS, it makes me feel much better to think about two delicious poet people who really like me and vice versa.
New sock and flower photos coming semi-soon.
*
P.S. Speaking of Margaret, her haunted treasure trove of poetry is available in the Blood Pudding Press etsy shop here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/80739335/new-letters-from-room-27-of-the-grand
Plus a Halloween Darkly Delicious Combo Pack here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/81271959/halloween-darkly-delicious-combo-pack?ref=v1_other_1
Plus a variety of other odd Halloween-y goodies here: http://www.etsy.com/shop/BloodPuddingPress?section_id=10388961
9/1/11
13 Myna Birds invades the haunted hotel!
Featuring darkly delicious offerings by Margaret Bashaar, Kevin Ross, James Valvis, Jessy Randall, Daniel Shapiro, Sean Ulman, Suzie DeGrasse, Deidre Elizabeth, & M.P. Powers in a portal of haunted infestation and delight.
Here is a fusion/infusion of snippets from some of the pieces within:
"wormwood eating itself - eating its own heart - casting spells - a small, squirming - intestines like rosaries - shot through the left scapula - then through the heart - slashed deep enough to cut - from drop to drop - no longer spending my days inside triangles - collective delirium - catch on fire - teeth gleaming"
And here is a link to the site:
http://13myna.blogspot.com/
Here is a fusion/infusion of snippets from some of the pieces within:
"wormwood eating itself - eating its own heart - casting spells - a small, squirming - intestines like rosaries - shot through the left scapula - then through the heart - slashed deep enough to cut - from drop to drop - no longer spending my days inside triangles - collective delirium - catch on fire - teeth gleaming"
And here is a link to the site:
http://13myna.blogspot.com/
*
This particular Thirteen Myna Birds update is partially in honor of the new Blood Pudding Press poetry chapbook, "LETTERS FROM ROOM 27 OF THE GRAND MIDWAY HOTEL" by Margaret Bashaar; her featured poem is a teaser from that very chapbook, as is the darkly delicious photo art by Kevin Ross.
Partake of more details about that new chapbook and consider purchasing a copy from the Blood Pudding Press etsy shop here:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/BloodPuddingPress
This particular Thirteen Myna Birds update is partially in honor of the new Blood Pudding Press poetry chapbook, "LETTERS FROM ROOM 27 OF THE GRAND MIDWAY HOTEL" by Margaret Bashaar; her featured poem is a teaser from that very chapbook, as is the darkly delicious photo art by Kevin Ross.
Partake of more details about that new chapbook and consider purchasing a copy from the Blood Pudding Press etsy shop here:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/BloodPuddingPress
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