GOOD! A new bloody, ghostly, volatile installment of Thirteen Myna Birds went live yesterday, with poems by Jillian Mukavetz, Chris Moran, Mather Schneider, M.P. Powers, Letitia Trent, & Wesley Dylan Gray.
Check it out here if so inclined: http://13myna.blogspot.com/
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NOT GOOD! In other news, just in case anyone was wondering why my semi-recent post-stroke articles rather quickly featured links to my Intro, Piece 1, and Piece 2 - but then never linked to my supposedly coming-soon Piece 3 - well, I finished writing that Piece 3 about a month ago - but for some reason, I suddenly stopped being able to get onto my own Associated Content Site (where I post those sorts of articles) - even though I've been a member there for more than two years and have written/posted more than 100 articles.
I'm rather annoyed that I suddenly cannot access that site; I've emailed them for help and am hoping to receive that soon.
In the meantime, here are links to my Intro and first two articles again - and if I am unable to add my 3rd article there semi-soon, then perhaps I will just add it to my blog here. Sigh
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The Intro (which offers a few snippets of what to expect from the others):
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7973477/intro_to_my_three_new_poststroke_aphasia.html?cat=5
Post-Stroke Aphasia Piece One (Challenging Words & Images):
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7973591/poststroke_aphasia_piece_one.html?cat=5
Post-Stroke Aphasia Piece Two (Love Replaced With Doubt & Debt):
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7976323/poststroke_aphasia_piece_two.html?cat=70
Post-Stroke Aphasia Piece Three hopefully coming soon!
5/16/11
More Mixed Feelings, Confusion, & Nervousness Galore
1. A few thoughts/feelings a little earlier today:
I think my most recent poetry has become somewhat flatter and doesn't have as much resonant, powerful feeling as it used to.
I think that's because I also don't have as much resonant, powerful feeling as I used to.
I had to tone down some of my own strong feelings, lest I became a continuous panic attack mishap.
(Mind you, this did not involve pysch. drugs; I am pretty anti psych. drugs; but my brain managed to somehow tone down/turn off itself.)
2. A few thoughts/feelings less than half an hour later:
I think the above is untrue, because almost as soon as I started thinking more about it, I then started crying. Is there something wrong with me? My feelings are so frequently mixed mixed mixed and discombobulated.
I think one reason I try not to think about things too much anymore is because then I get really nervous about almost everything.
I'm nervous about my new up-coming house (why? it's not like I've never lived by myself before. It's not like it's in a dangerous area. Why my uncomfortable nervous spurts about something good?). Maybe it's partly because I have frequent mixed feelings about whether I want to be by myself or not. I do, I don't, I do, I don't.
I'm nervous about being by myself; I'm nervous about seriously commiting to anyone.
I'm nervous that my poetry is not as good as it used to be - and what if I lose my passion for the primary entity I've been incredibly passionate about for countless years.
The last three words of my newest poem are "on, off, on".
I'm nervous that I have no clue what to do job-wise anymore (what I can do OR what I want to do).
I'm nervous that everyone might get tired of me; less & less interested.
On, off, on.
I'm over the top then under.
Over the top then downhill.
I worry that maybe love always dies or wishes you dead.
These thoughts made me start crying, so I guess my worry that I do not have strong feelings anymore is wrong.
Maybe I just emotionally/mentally tone them down so I don't get incredibly nervous and start crying all the time.
I do still have feelings and emotions. They're just rather nerve wracking if I concentrate on them too hard.
I'm nervous about my terrible sense of direction.
I'm nervous about being a 38 year old who feels like I am starting over in a way, but does not know how to.
How should I turn my nervousness into art?
Mixed feelings are not mixed bags; how should I open them?
Mixed feelings are not mixed drinks; how should I swallow them?
I think my most recent poetry has become somewhat flatter and doesn't have as much resonant, powerful feeling as it used to.
I think that's because I also don't have as much resonant, powerful feeling as I used to.
I had to tone down some of my own strong feelings, lest I became a continuous panic attack mishap.
(Mind you, this did not involve pysch. drugs; I am pretty anti psych. drugs; but my brain managed to somehow tone down/turn off itself.)
2. A few thoughts/feelings less than half an hour later:
I think the above is untrue, because almost as soon as I started thinking more about it, I then started crying. Is there something wrong with me? My feelings are so frequently mixed mixed mixed and discombobulated.
I think one reason I try not to think about things too much anymore is because then I get really nervous about almost everything.
I'm nervous about my new up-coming house (why? it's not like I've never lived by myself before. It's not like it's in a dangerous area. Why my uncomfortable nervous spurts about something good?). Maybe it's partly because I have frequent mixed feelings about whether I want to be by myself or not. I do, I don't, I do, I don't.
I'm nervous about being by myself; I'm nervous about seriously commiting to anyone.
I'm nervous that my poetry is not as good as it used to be - and what if I lose my passion for the primary entity I've been incredibly passionate about for countless years.
The last three words of my newest poem are "on, off, on".
I'm nervous that I have no clue what to do job-wise anymore (what I can do OR what I want to do).
I'm nervous that everyone might get tired of me; less & less interested.
On, off, on.
I'm over the top then under.
Over the top then downhill.
I worry that maybe love always dies or wishes you dead.
These thoughts made me start crying, so I guess my worry that I do not have strong feelings anymore is wrong.
Maybe I just emotionally/mentally tone them down so I don't get incredibly nervous and start crying all the time.
I do still have feelings and emotions. They're just rather nerve wracking if I concentrate on them too hard.
I'm nervous about my terrible sense of direction.
I'm nervous about being a 38 year old who feels like I am starting over in a way, but does not know how to.
How should I turn my nervousness into art?
Mixed feelings are not mixed bags; how should I open them?
Mixed feelings are not mixed drinks; how should I swallow them?
5/15/11
Alien Skull Infiltration
While looking upon some of my recent photos, I started thinking that I looked like an alien skull (I used to think I looked like an alien witch). Then I started thinking more stuff along alien skull lines and found it rather interesting.
In an oddly appealing sort of manner, I realized that after having a semi-recent health experience through which I could have died, I am lucky to be alive, but am now infiltrated with skulls, as though skulls are a semi-scary, semi-scarred, darkly delicious, festive part of my life!
I've received skull jewelry from a man I love(he has a strange skull tattoo, which I've seen in person several times this year) and he & I & a long time best friend of mine also attended a Day of the Dead Skull art space together.
I've received skull socks from a yummy poet friend AND from a delicious artsy photographer friend.
I sent some skull xmas cards at the end of last year. I painted skull magnets and a skull box for friends/lovers.
And just this past week, I received a bright red skull heart journal fom the ladypants poet friend.
I've used the word 'Skull' in several of my semi-recent poems ("an imploding bath of dark skull sex").
And now I am starting to look like an alien skull.
In an oddly appealing sort of manner, I realized that after having a semi-recent health experience through which I could have died, I am lucky to be alive, but am now infiltrated with skulls, as though skulls are a semi-scary, semi-scarred, darkly delicious, festive part of my life!
I've received skull jewelry from a man I love(he has a strange skull tattoo, which I've seen in person several times this year) and he & I & a long time best friend of mine also attended a Day of the Dead Skull art space together.
I've received skull socks from a yummy poet friend AND from a delicious artsy photographer friend.
I sent some skull xmas cards at the end of last year. I painted skull magnets and a skull box for friends/lovers.
And just this past week, I received a bright red skull heart journal fom the ladypants poet friend.
I've used the word 'Skull' in several of my semi-recent poems ("an imploding bath of dark skull sex").
And now I am starting to look like an alien skull.
5/14/11
Florida May 2011 Ladypants
Me with family & friends in Venice Florida, May 2011
Me & Aunt Diane
Me & Lindsay Bliss
Lindsay B., Me & Aunt Di in front of a Penis
Aunt Di & I near the Salvador Dali Museum
Ladypants Poet-ess Juliet Cook & Ladypants Poet-ess Kathy Burkett in front of Dali Museum
Me & Sandra W.
Lots more photos including beach and food and other creatures are available to partake of via my facebook page here:
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150191768972458.327543.842512457&l=6ce87b7341
A Vertiginous Swirl just entered my head - again...
5/1/11
Post-Stroke Aphasia Articles
Linked to below is my Intro piece for my three new Post-Stroke Aphasia articles.
These articles took me a long time to write; I was often overtaken by mixed feelings.
But I finally did it and hopefully a few people will read and relate.
The Intro will offer you a few snippets of what to expect from the others.
Those other pieces will also be added here.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7973477/intro_to_my_three_new_poststroke_aphasia.html?cat=5
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NEW - Post-Stroke Aphasia Piece One (Challenging Words & Images)
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7973591/poststroke_aphasia_piece_one.html?cat=5
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NEW - Post-Stroke Aphasia Piece Two (Love Replaced With Doubt & Debt)
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7976323/poststroke_aphasia_piece_two.html?cat=70
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Piece #3 coming soon...
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P.S.
I understand that my stroke was difficult for my ex-husband to deal with too. He had lost his first wife to cancer; she had suddenly died young. He was very uncomfortable with hospitals and health issues and I can certainly understand that. I just wish he would have told me that he was truly sorry but he really couldn’t deal with this kind of situation again in his life. Yes, I would have been disappointed by that, but it would have been better than him acting like the whole situation was my own fault and repeatedly lashing out at me due to a lifestyle change that had happened beyond my control. It’s not like I had my stroke on purpose. I wish it wouldn’t have happened. I wish it wouldn’t have made his life harder. I wish I wouldn’t have lost parts of my brain - and then my home and my husband and my credit and more...
If something bad, unfortunate, or mistaken happens, he wants to move on – not dwell on it. I can understand that to an extent, but not when it is related to a brain loss injury. He seriously wanted me to forget about it after mere weeks, but how am I supposed to forget about or ignore something that still affects my brain?
Would most people just ignore a brain injury – or expect their spouse to?
I don’t think so.
Maybe I’m wrong.
These articles took me a long time to write; I was often overtaken by mixed feelings.
But I finally did it and hopefully a few people will read and relate.
The Intro will offer you a few snippets of what to expect from the others.
Those other pieces will also be added here.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7973477/intro_to_my_three_new_poststroke_aphasia.html?cat=5
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NEW - Post-Stroke Aphasia Piece One (Challenging Words & Images)
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7973591/poststroke_aphasia_piece_one.html?cat=5
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NEW - Post-Stroke Aphasia Piece Two (Love Replaced With Doubt & Debt)
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/7976323/poststroke_aphasia_piece_two.html?cat=70
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Piece #3 coming soon...
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P.S.
I understand that my stroke was difficult for my ex-husband to deal with too. He had lost his first wife to cancer; she had suddenly died young. He was very uncomfortable with hospitals and health issues and I can certainly understand that. I just wish he would have told me that he was truly sorry but he really couldn’t deal with this kind of situation again in his life. Yes, I would have been disappointed by that, but it would have been better than him acting like the whole situation was my own fault and repeatedly lashing out at me due to a lifestyle change that had happened beyond my control. It’s not like I had my stroke on purpose. I wish it wouldn’t have happened. I wish it wouldn’t have made his life harder. I wish I wouldn’t have lost parts of my brain - and then my home and my husband and my credit and more...
If something bad, unfortunate, or mistaken happens, he wants to move on – not dwell on it. I can understand that to an extent, but not when it is related to a brain loss injury. He seriously wanted me to forget about it after mere weeks, but how am I supposed to forget about or ignore something that still affects my brain?
Would most people just ignore a brain injury – or expect their spouse to?
I don’t think so.
Maybe I’m wrong.
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